This one was told to me by my penpal Mary Ellen Duff, to whom
it was told by some enigmatic fellow named Dave…
An ignorant but well-meaning tourist was visiting a small
Polynesian island when he came across a native man proudly
displaying twenty alligator teeth slung about his neck in
a decorative fashion.
I guess you must prize alligator teeth the way we value
pearls, said the tourist.
More so, said the native. Anyone can open up an oyster.
This joke was first told by a friend of mine, Dom Clark:
Q. How could you tell E.T. was a protestant?
A. Because he looked like one.
A guy went into a bookshop and asked the salesgirl if she had a book called, How to Master Your Wife.The salesgirl looked at him and said, Our science fiction section is right upstairs.
Q: What do CIA agents have to remember to go to the bathroom?
A: The ZIP Code.
Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note explaining
that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.
While hes in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding
ticket.
Leave him a note, explaining that youve gone away for the holidays.
Ask if he would mind watering your plants.
While hes in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas.
Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly.
Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy
when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit!
Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs that
say We hate Christmas, and Go away Santa.
Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called
and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on
his way home.
Throw a surprise party for Santa when he comes down the chimney.
Refuse to let him leave until the strippers arrive.
While hes in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it. As soon as
he comes back and sees you, tell him that he shouldnt have missed that
last payment, and take off.
Leave a plate filled with cookies and a glass of milk out, with a
note that says, For The Tooth Fairy. 🙂 Leave another plate out
with half a stale cookie and a few drops of skim milk in a dirty glass
with a note that says, For Santa. 🙁
Take everything out of your house as if its just been robbed. When
Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, Well, well.
They always return to the scene of the crime.
Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and
corrections.
While hes in the house, cover the top of the chimney with barbed wire.
Leave lots of hunting trophies and guns out where Santas sure to see
them. Go outside, yell, Ooh! Look! A deer! And hes got a red
nose! and fire a gun.
Leave Santa a note, explaining that youve moved. Include a map with
unclear and hard-to-read directions to your new house.
Set a bear trap at the bottom of the chimney. Wait for Santa to get
caught in it, and then explain that youre sorry, but from a distance,
he looked like a bear.
Leave out a Santa suit, with a dry-cleaning bill.
Paint hoof-prints all over your face and clothes. While hes in
the house, go out on the roof. When he comes back up, act like
youve been trampled. Threaten to sue.
Instead of ornaments, decorate your tree with Easter eggs.
Dress up like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa to come and then say,
This neighborhood aint big enough for the both of us.
Q: Why did the blonde keep taking off and putting the Pepsi bottle cap back on? A: Because it said, Sorry, try again.
Q: How many computer studies students does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None. They are far too busy hacking.
A man walks into a chemist and says to the bloke behind the counter,
Listen, I have three girls coming over tonight. Ive never had three girls at once and I need something to keep me horny… keep me potent.
The chemist reaches under the counter, unlocks the bottom drawer and takes out a small cardboard box marked with the label Viagra Extra Strength and says,
If you take this, youll go mental for 12 hours.
Very happy and excited, the man says, Gimme three boxes.
The next day the man walks into the same chemists shop, right up to the same chemist and pulls down his pants. The chemist looks in horror as he notices the mans cock is swollen, black and blue, and the skin is hanging off in some places.
The man says, Gimme a tube of Deep Heat.
The chemist replies, Deep Heat? Youre not going to put Deep Heat on that are you?
The man says, No, its for my arms. The girls didnt show up.
Several years ago, after having Japanese executives from the automotive industry tour a Ford Plant, they held a press conference in which one of the Japanese execs claimed that the American workers were slow and lazy.
Not long after, a friend sent me a picture of a bumper sticker on a truck at the Ford plant.
It read – We may be slow and lazy, but we build a damn good bomb!
Two aliens landed on a farm. The farmer and his wife took the aliens in and showed them their way of life and everything. One day the farmer and his wife get to talking. The farmer asks his wife, I wonder what the aliens do for sex? The farmers wife replied, I dont know. Do you want to find out? The farmer agrees.
So, that night, the farmer took the female alien up to one room while his wife took the male alien up to another room. As the wife was getting into bed, she looked down at the aliens pecker and starts laughing. Youve got to be kidding me! she laughed.
The alien told her to wait for a moment. Then he slapped his cheeks and pulled his ears and the thing grew to a very impressive size. The next day, the farmer asks his wife, So, how was your night? She replied, Oh, it was wonderful. It was the best night of my life! How was yours? Well, not so good, replied the farmer, all she kept doing all night was slapping my cheeks and pulling my ears.