Old and New Jokes

In the Ohio State Buckeyes locker room in Columbus, theres a sign stating – Play like champions today!



Theres also one in the Michigan Wolverines locker room that says:

Dont forget your HELMET!

A large two engined train was crossing America. After they had gone some distance one of the engines broke down. No problem, the engineer thought, and carried on at half power.

Farther on down the line, the other engine broke down, and the train came to a standstill.

The engineer decided he should inform the passengers about why the train had stopped, and made the following announcement:

Ladies and gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad news. The bad news is that both engines have failed, and we will be stuck here for some time. The good news is that you decided to take the train and not fly.

No real problem has a solution.

Life is what happens to you while you are planning to do something else.

I would have e-mailed you sooner, but my cat ate my mouse.

A well dressed business man was walking down the street when a little kid covered in soot said to him respectfully, Sir, can you tell me the time? The portly man stopped, carefully unbuttoned his coat and jacket, removed a large watch from a vest pocket, looked at it and said, It is a quarter to three, young man. Thanks, said the boy. At exactly three oclock you can kiss my ass. With that, the kid took off running, and with an angry cry, the outraged businessman started chasing him. He had not been running long when an old friend stopped him. Why are you running like this at your age? asked the friend. Gasping and almost incoherent with fury, the business man said, That little brat asked me the time and when I told him it was quarter to three he told me that at exactly three, I should kiss his ass! So whats your hurry, said the friend. You still have ten minutes.

One day Mrs. Smith went to have a talk with the minister at thelocal church. Reverend, she said, I have a problem, myhusband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. Its very embarrassing. What should I do?
I have an idea, said the minister. Take this needle with you.
I will be able to tell when Mr. Smith is sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a good poke in the leg.
In church the following Sunday, Mr. Smith dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you? he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.
Jesus!, Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the needle.
Yes, you are right, Mr. Smith, said the minister. Soon, Mr.Smith nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. Who is your redeemer? he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mrs. Smith.
God! Mr. Smith cried out as he was stuck again with the needle.
Right again, said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr.Smith again winked off. However, this time the minister did not notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mrs. Smith mistook as signals to prod her husband with the needle again.
The minister asked, And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?
Mrs. Smith poked her husband, who yelled, You stick that goddamned thing in me one more time and Ill break it in half and shove it up your ass!
Amen, replied the congregation.

If Ted Kennedy, Dan Quayle, Bob Packwood, and Bill Clinton all had a spelling contest, which one would win? Dan Quayle. Hes the only one who knows that harass is one word.

Brahma : Systems Installation

Vishnu : Systems Support

Lakshmi : Finance and Accounts
consultant (SAP)

Shiva : DBA (crash specialist)

Ganesh : Documentation specialist

Narada : Data Transfer

Brihaspathi : Chief Information Officer.

Yama : ReOrganisation Consultant

ChitraGupta : Personnel Records

Apsaras : Downloadable Viruses

Devas : Y2k Programmers

Surya : Solaris adminstrator

Rakshasas : In house Hackers

Ram : Hardware Support –
single user
specialist

Lakshman : Support software and
Backup

Ravan : Internet Explorer – WWW

Hanuman : RS6000

The young dude in the Old West wanted to be the fastest gunfighter alive.

Sitting in a saloon one night, he spotted an old graybeard who had the reputation of having been the greatest gunslinger of his day. The kid went up to the old man and told him of his dream. The ancient legend looked him up and down and said, I got a suggestion thats sure to help.

Tell me, Tell me! said the young dude.

Tie the bottom of your holster lower down on your leg.

Will that make me a better gunfighter?

You damn betcha, said the old man.

The kid did as he was told, drew his gun, and neatly shot the bow tie off the piano player. Wow, that really helped! Got any more suggestions?

Yeah – Ifn you cut a notch in the top of your holster where the hammer hits, the gunll slide out a lot smoother.

Will that make me a better gunfighter?

You damn betcha.

The dude did as he was told, then drew his gun, and lightning quick, shot a cufflink off the piano player. This is really helping me out! Is there anything else you can share with me?

One more thing, said the old timer. Get that can of axle grease over there in the corner and rub it all over your gun.

The fellow didnt hesitate and immediately started smearing the grease on the gun barrel.

No, no, the whole gun, said the graybeard. Handle and everything.

Will that make me a better gunfighter?

Not likely, boy. But when Wyatt Earp gets done playing that bar piano, hes gonna shove that gun up your ass and this way it wont hurt so much.