Old and New Jokes

Why did Elton John wear a nicotine patch on his penis?

Because he was trying to cut down to one fag a day!

Programmer to Module Leader:

This is not possible. **Impossible**. It will involve design change and no body in our team knows the design of the system. And above that nobody in our company knows the language in which this software has been written. So even if somebody wants to work on it, they cant. If you ask my personal opinion the company should never take these type of projects.

Module Leader to Project Manager:

This project will involve design change. Currently we dont have people who have experience in this type of work. Also the language is unknown so we will have to arrange for some training if we take this project. In my personal opinion, we should avoid taking this project.

Project Manager to 1st Level Manager:

This project involves design change in the system and we dont have much experience in that area. Also not many people are trained in this area. In my personal opinion we can take the project but we should ask for some more time.

1st Level Manager to 2nd Level Manager:

This project involves design re-engineering. We have some people who have worked in this area and some who know the language. So they can train other people. In my personal opinion we should take this project but with caution.

2nd Level Manager to CEO:

This project will show the industry our capabilities in remodeling the design of a complete system. We have all the necessary skills and people to execute this project successfully. Some people have already given in-house training in this area to other people. In my personal opinion we should not let this project go by under any circumstance.

CEO to Client:

These are the type of projects in which our company specialize. We have executed many project of the same nature for many big clients. Trust me when I say that you are in the safest hand in the Industry. In my personal opinion we can execute this project successfully and that too well with in the given time frame.

To: All university hospital nursing staff.

From: Administration/Groundskeeping

Subject: New Cost Cutting Measures.

Date: May 21,1997.

Effective August 1, this hospital will no longer provide security. Each
Charge Nurse will be issued a .38 caliber revolver and 12 rounds of
ammunition. An additional 12 rounds will be stored in the pharmacy. In
addition to routine nursing duties, Charge Nurses will rotate the
patrolling of the hospital grounds. A bicycle and helmet will be provided
for patrolling the parking areas. In light of the similarity of
monitoring equipment, ICU will now take over the security surveillance
duties. The unit secretary will be responsible for watching cardiac and
security monitors as well as continuing previous secretarial duties.
Food service will be discontinued. Patients wishing to be fed will need
to let their families know to bring something, or make arrangements with
Subway, KFC, Dominos, etc. before meal time. Coin operated telephones will
be available in the patients rooms for this purpose as well as for other
calls the patients may wish to make.

Housekeeping and Physical Therapy are being combined. Mops will be issued
to those patients who are ambulatory, thus providing range-of-motion
exercise as well as a clean environment. Families and ambulatory patients
may also sign up to clean the rooms of non-ambulatory patients for
special discounts from their final bill. Time cards will be provided.
As you can see on the From line above, administration is assuming
groundskeeping duties. If an administrator cannot be reached by calling
his/her office, it is suggested that you walk outside and listen for the
sound of a lawnmower, weed-whacker,etc..

Engineering is being eliminated. This hospital has subscribed to the
Time-Life HOW TO… series of maintenance books. These books can be
checked out from administration and a toolbox will be standard equipment
on all nursing units. We will be receiving the series at a rate of one
volume every other month. We already have the volume on Basic Wiring, but
if a non-electrical problem occurs, please try to handle it as best as
you can until the appropriate volume arrives.

Cutbacks in the phlebotomy staff will be accomodated by only performing
blood-related lab tests on patients who are already bleeding.
Physicians will be informed that they may order no more than 2 X-rays per
patient per stay. This is due to the turn-around time required by
Eckerds photo lab. Two prints will be provided for the price of one and
physicians are being advised to clip coupons from the Sunday paper if
they want extra copies. Eckerds will also honor competitors coupons for
one-hour processing in emergency situations, so if you come across any
coupons, please clip them and send them to the ER.

In light of the extremely hot summer temperatures forecast, T.U.Electric
has been asked to install individual meters in each patients room,
office, etc. so that electrical consumption can be monitored and
appropriately billed. Fans will be available for sale or lease in the
hospital gift shop.

In addition to the current recycling programs, a bin for the collection
of unused fruit and bread will soon be provided on each floor, Families,
patients and the few remaining employees are encouraged to contribute
discarded produce. The resulting moldy compost will be utilized by the
pharmacy for nosocomical production of antibiotics. These antibiotics
will also be available for purchase through the hospital pharmacy, and
will, coincidentally, soon be the only antibiotics listed on the HMOs
formulary.

A small tourist hotel was all abuzz about an afternoon wedding where the groom was 95 and the bride was 23. The groom looked pretty feeble and the feeling was that the wedding night might kill him, because his bride was a healthy, vivacious young woman.

But lo and behold, the next morning, the bride came down the main staircase slowly, step by step, hanging onto the banister for dear life. She finally managed to get to the counter of the little shop in the hotel. The clerk looked really concerned, Whatever happened to you, honey? You look like youve been wrestling an alligator!

The bride groaned, hung on to the counter and managed to speak, Oh God! He told me hed been saving up for 75 years and I thought he meant his money!

Those industrious Japanese have found a way to make a buck on the AIDS scare.
Seems theyve come up with a way to make a car tire out of 365 used condoms.

They call it a GoodYear.

Yo mama has a glass eye with a fish in it.

Yo mama feet are so big her shoes have to have license plates!

Three generations of prostitutes were on vacation and discussing their profession when the youngest mentioned how upset she was that she was only recieving $100 dollars to give a blow job. Her mother then told her of how about 25 yrs. earlier she herself had only been getting $50 dollars for a blow job. The grand mother, after hearing all of this pipes up and says, I remember back during the Great Depression, we were just happy to get something warm in our stomach!

La maestra da clases sobre nutrición y pregunta al grupo:

Niños, ¿cuál es la mejor leche para el consumo humano?

Juanito levanta la mano y contesta:

La leche Alpura, maestra, porque está pasteurizada.

Muy bien, Juanito, ¿quién más tiene otra respuesta?

Rosita asegura:

Yo digo que es la leche Lala porque está pasteurizada y homogeneizada.

Pepito levanta la mano y brinca desde su asiento. Ante tanta insistencia la maestra accede:

Está bien, Pepito, dinos ¿cuál es la mejor leche?

Bueno, maestra, yo creo que es la materna.

¡Muy bien, Pepito! Ahora dinos por qué.

Ay, maestra, no será pasteurizada, ni homogeneizada… ¡Pero qué presentación tiene!

Un negro se encontró una lampara mágica de la cual sale un genio que le dice que solo puede concederle tres deseos porque esta muy cansado.

El negro le dice: quiero ser blanco y al momento su piel se hace blanca, maravillado el ex-negro le pide al genio que convierta a su mujer en blanca, y va corriendo a su casa para comprobarlo y se encuentra a su mujer con la piel blanca, el ex negro contento a más no poder, decide esperar a su hijo para preguntarle si quiere ser blanco, y cuando llega éste le dice:

Hola hijo.

El hijo le dice: Yo a usted no lo conozco.

Pero soy tu padre y quería preguntarte si quieres ser blanco.

A lo que el hijo responde:

Pero papá, yo quiero seguir siendo negro estoy conforme con mi raza.

Pero hijo, si eres blanco la sociedad te va a aceptar y te trataran mejor.

No, papá, yo quiero ser negro y me avergüenzo de ti por pedirme que sea blanco. Y el hijo se va de la casa llorando.

Entonces el ex-negro dice:

No llevo ni 10 minutos como blanco y ya tengo líos con estos negros desgraciados!