Old and New Jokes

Monitor – Keep an eye on the wood stove

Un matrimonio de rancheros, se dirigían a la capital, pero en el camión no aceptaban animales y llevaban un zorrillo que les habían encargado. Entonces, al ranchero se le ocurre una idea…

¿Sabes qué vieja?

¿Qué viejo?

¡Pos que te vas a esconder el zorrillo ai merito!

¿Ai merito dónde viejo?

¡Pos ai merito bajo las enaguas… entre las piernas!

¡Ay viejo…! ¿Y el apeste…?

¡Pos ni modo vieja… que se chingue el zorrillo!

An elderly man by the name of Mr. MacIntosh was laying on his deathbed, with his son at his bedside.

The old man said suddenly, Its time! Send for the Minister.



The dying man said, The Minister! Dad, I think you mean the priest. We are devout Catholics.



Get the Minister! Get the Minister! the dying man repeated agitatedly.



Dad, your illness must be affecting your mind, the son replied, patting his father on the shoulder. I will call the priest.



The old man insisted, If you have ANY love for your father, you will do as I have asked.



So, reluctantly, the son did his fathers bidding, and soon thereafter, the Minister arrived and converted the old man to the Protestant faith. Moments later, the parish priest knocked on the door.



The son said, Father, I am afraid you are too late. The Minister has already been here.



The priest rushed over to the old mans beside and he asked in dismay, HOW could you do it? WHY did you do it?



The old man looked up and replied, Well, Father, I figured that if someone had to die, better one of them than one of us.

In Medford, Oregon, a 27-year-old jobless man with an MBA blamed his college degree for his murder of three people. There are too many business grads out there, he said. If I had chosen another field, all this may not have happened.

Wasting time is an important part of living.

To My Dearest Wife,

During the past year, I have attempted to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of only once every 10 days. The following is a list of why I didnt succeed more often:

We will wake the kids – 54 times

Its too late – 15 times

Im too tired – 42 times

Its too early – 12 times

Its too hot – 18 times

Pretending to be asleep – 31 times

The neighbors will hear – 9 times

Headache or backache – 26 times

Sunburn – 10 times

Your mother will hear us – 9 times

Not in the mood – 21 times

Watching the late show – 17 times

Too sore – 26 times

New hairdo – 6 times

Wrong time of the month – 14 times

You had to go to the bathroom – 19 times

Of the 36 times that I DID succeed, the result was not always satisfying because 6 times you just laid there, 8 times you reminded me that there was a crack in the ceiling, 4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with, 7 times I had to wake you up to tell you I was finished, and once I was afraid that I had hurt you because you started thrashing around and breathing heavy. Lets try to improve

this, shall we??Love, Your Hubby

**********************

To My Dearest Husband,

I think things are a little confused. Here are the REAL reasons you didnt get more than you did this past year:

Came home drunk and tried to screw the cat – 23 times

Did not come home at all – 36 times

Did not come – 21 times

Came too soon – 38 times

Went soft before you got it in – 19 times

Cramps in your leg – 16 times

Working too late – 33 times

You had a rash, probably from a toilet seat – 29 times

Caught yourself in your zipper – 15 times

You had a cold and your nose kept running – 21 times

You had burned your tongue on hot coffee – 9 times

You had a splinter in your finger – 11 times

You lost the notion after thinking about it – 42 times

Came in your pajamas after reading a dirty book – 16 times

The reason I laid still was because you had missed me and were screwing the sheet. You seemed to be having a good time and I didnt want to move and spoil it for you. I wasnt talking about the crack in the ceiling. What I said was, Would you like me on my back or kneeling? The time I was thrashing around and gasping was when you farted and I was fighting for air. Maybe you can work on your shortcomings?

Love, Your Wife

Work is the curse of the drinking class.

Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate.

After an hour-long wait, it finally took off.

A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, What was the problem?

The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine, explained the Flight Attendant, and it took us a while to find a new pilot.

What do you call a man with no arms and legs in the middle of the ocean?

Bob

Q: What do you get when you mix a Jehovahs Witness with a Hells Angel?

A: Someone who knocks on your front door at 7:30 Sunday morning,
and tells you to fuck off.