Old and New Jokes

There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant. So, he went to the doctor to have a sperm count done.

The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back the next day.

The elderly man came back the next day and the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it.

Doctor: What was the problem?

Elderly man: Well, I tried with my right hand… nothing. So, I tried with my left hand…nothing. My wife tried with her right hand… nothing. Her left hand… nothing. Her mouth…nothing. Then my wifes friend tried. Right hand, left hand, mouth…. still nothing.

Doctor: Wait a minute. You mean your wifes friend too?!

Elderly man: Yeah, and we still couldnt get the lid off of the specimen cup.

A guy goes into a restaurant and looks over the menu. After a few minutes, the waitress comes to the table and asks the guy what hed like.

Id like a quickie.

The waitress blushes and says, Thats not funny, sir. Now, what would you like to order?

Id really like a quickie.

The waitress slaps him hard and storms off angrily.

Another customer, overhearing the conversation, leans over and says to the guy, Um, I think that its pronounced quiche

NICKNAMES: If Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose.

But if Mike, Charlie, Bob and John go out for a beer, they will affectionately refer to each other as LardAss, Butt-Breath, Peanut-Head and Useless.

EATING OUT: When the bill arrives, Mike, Charlie, Bob and John will each throw in $20, even though its only for $

22.

50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back.

When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

BATHROOMS: A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.

The average number of items in the typical womans bathroom is

337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

ARGUMENTS: A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument!

DRESSING UP: A man will dress up for weddings, funerals. A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail.

LOOKS Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night. ( I invite any woman to prove me wrong! 🙂

A man walking aroud town talking about hea pimp he gonehit you fromthe back front and every way in the book a hoe name amen say me at my house tonight she look at his dick and say nigga please that mini hoydog ant shit you haveto have some thing and round for me


thats what yall can sat to lil dick man.

Once again Leroy was asked to do a simple homework assignment.

Still befuddled by the whole school thing, Leroy is a trooper. He was given another set of vocabulary words to use in sentences. Heres what he handed in:

1. HONOR ROLL
   We was playin poker on the stoop the other day, man I was HONOROLL.

2. PLANET
   I got me some seed to grow weed, so I PLANET in the backyard.

3. DISMAY
   I went for a blood test, the doctor pulled out a big needle. He said, DISMAY hurt a little.

4. OMELETTE
   Every time I start a new job, OMELETTE go after a week.

5. STAIRWAY
   When me and my homies get high, we STAIRWAY into space.

6. MOBILE
   I went to buy crack, I was short on cash, my man said, Gimme one MOBILE.

7. DEFENSE
   I ran from the cops, and hopped DEFENSE and got away.

8. AFRO
   I got so mad at my bitch, AFRO a lamp at her.

9. AFTERMATH
   I like to be high in school, so AFTERMATH I go to the field and smoke weed.

10. LOCKET
    I slam the door so hard, I LOCKET.

11. DOMINEERING
    My girlys birthday was yesterday, I got her a DOMINEERING.

12. KENYA
    I needed change fo the subway, so I axe a stranger KENYA spare some change.

13. DERANGE
    DERANGE is where da deer and antelope play.

14. DATA
    At my basketball game, I scored thirty points. My coach said, DATA boy!

15. COPULATE
    I called 911 and an hour later when they show up, I said, COPULATE!

16. FASCINATE
    My girlys titties are so big. Her shirt has ten buttons, she can only FASCINATE.

17. BEWARE
    I asked the man at the unemployment office, Is this BEWARE I get a job?

18. DIMENSION
    I be tall, dark, handsome and not DIMENSION hung like a horse.

19. COATROOM
    The judge said, One more outburst like that, and youll be thrown out the COATROOM.

20. DECIDE
    I like Wanda and Yolanda, but I like to have a couple of bitches on DECIDE.

Llega una maestra muy emocionada y alegre al salón de clases y les dice a sus alumnos:

A ver niños, vamos a ensayar la porra de la escuela. Y dice 1… 2… 3… ¿Dónde está papá?

NO SE… NO SE…

¿Dónde está mamá?

NO SE… NO SE…

¡Viva el Orfanatorio San José!

LAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime.

LAW 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former.

LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water.

LAW 4: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.

LAW 5: No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing partners must solemnly chant You looked up, or invoke the wrath of the universe.

LAW 6: The higher a golfers handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instructor.

LAW 7: Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire.

LAW 8: Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man.

LAW 9: Palm trees eat golf balls.

LAW 10: Sand is alive. If it isnt, how do you explain the way it works against you?

LAW 11: Golf carts always run out of juice at the farthest point from the clubhouse.

LAW 12: A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and a tax agent — or some similar combination.

LAW 13: All 3-woods are demon-possessed.

LAW 14: Golf balls from the same sleeve tend to follow one another, particularly out of bounds or into the water (see Law three)

LAW 15: A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.

LAW 16: Nice lag can usually be translated to lousy putt. Similarly, tough break can usually be translated way to miss an easy one, sucker.

LAW 17: The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the one who beats you.

LAW 18: The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to what it really should be.

LAW 19: Golf should be given up at least twice per month.

LAW 20: All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until the sunset of the same day

In the vestry of a New England church: Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual light is extinguished.

In a Pennsylvania cemetery: Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves.

On a roller coaster: Watch your head.

On the grounds of a public school: No trespassing without permission.

On a Tennessee highway: When this sign is under water, this road is impassable.

An error in the premise will appear in the conclusion.

When properly administered, vacations do not diminish productivity. For every week you are away and get nothing done, there is another week when your boss is away and you get twice as much done.