Old and New Jokes

A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer.

Certainly, sir, thatll be 1 cent.

ONE CENT – thats awesome! exclaimed the guy.



So the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with the works?



Certainly, sir, replies the bartender, but all that comes to real money.

How much money? inquires the guy.

4 cents, replies the bartender.



FOUR cents! exclaims the guy…

Wheres the Guy who owns this place?



The bartender replies, Upstairs with my wife.

The guy says, Whats he doing with your wife?



The bartender replies…

Same as Im doing to his business!

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.

6. Become a subgenius.

One day a man went to the doctors office with a stuttering problem.

Hhhey dddocc, ccann yoou hhhelp mmmee wwwithh mmmmy st-st-uttering ppproblem?

The doc replied, Sure. Sit down.

The doctor then examined the man and in a low voice he told the man, Your penis is so bit that the sheer weight of it is pulling on your vocal cords, and therefore causing you to stutter.

Iiss ttthere aaannnyytthing tthat yyou ccan dddooo ttoo ffixxx iiit?, asked the man.

I can surgically remove about 8 inches, replied the doctor.

The guy said, Ddddoo wwhattever yyyou ccan tto hheelp mmme bbbeeccaauusse tthhis ststutterinngg iiss ddrrivviinngg mmee ccrrazzyy.

So the doc goes through with the opperation, and his stuttering stops. Two months later, the man comes back to the doctors office with a question.

Hey doc, the operation helped my stuttering, but my sex life sucks. Can you reverse the operation?

The doc replies, Fffforrrggettt itttt!

The BBC Gaza correspondent is sitting in her air conditioned hotel in the Gaza strip, sipping iced tea when her mobile phone begins to ring. She picks up the phone and hears a mysterious voice say, comrade this is the ruling council of the military wing of Hamas and I would like to inform you that those Israeli pigs have just massacred hundreds of Palastinian women and children.

The BBC correspondent then asks the mysterious stranger on the phone where and when this had happened but was just given the address of the small provincial hospital just inside the Israeli border where he claimed hundreds of surviving casualties had been taken earlier and informed her that all her expenses would be covered as usual.

Armed with this information she realises that she can finally prove to the world just how evil these Israeli, American Jewish lobby supported pigs really are. So she makes her way as quickly as possible across the border into Israel and to the hospital.

On arriving at the hospital she walks into the main reception where she sees an Israeli doctor standing with a clip board in his hand. She walks up to the doctor and says, right you imperialist scum bag, where are the palastinian casualties brought intoday after the massacre?

The doctor who is slightly surprised and taken a back by the witch faced correspondent replies I am sorry lady but I dont know what you are talking about.

The correspondent then really begins to lose her temper and says, Ok tell me how many Arab patients you have here today?

To which the doctor replies, well I would guess several hundred.

Ah ha! the corresspondent responds, so you dont deny it now!

With the bit between her teeth she storms past the doctor and heads for the door with the sign that reads emergency admissions written above it. She bursts through the door to only see lots and lots of empty beds save for a couple of elderly people.

Turning round she exits the room and heads back towards the doctor and says so where I you hiding them doctor death?

The bewildered looking doctor then says to her, if you would have given me the chance I was about to show you to them in our new state of the art maternity ward further down the hall.

If Yoko Ono married Sonny Bono, shed be Yoko Ono Bono.

If Dolly Parton married Salvador Dali, shed be Dolly Dali.

If Bo Derek married Don Ho, shed be Bo Ho.

If Oprah Winfrey married Depak Chopra, shed be Oprah Chopra.

If Cat Stevens married Snoop Doggy Dogg, hey! its the 90s!, hed be
Cat Doggy Dogg.

If Olivia Newton-John married Wayne Newton, then divorced him to marry
Elton John, shed be Olivia Newton-John Newton John.

If Sondra Locke married Elliott Ness, then divorced him to marry Herman
Munster, shed become Sondra Locke Ness Monster.

If Bea Arthur married Sting, shed be Bea Sting.

If Liv Ullman married Judge Lance Ito, then divorced him and married
Jerry Mathers, shed be Liv Ito Beaver.

If Snoop Doggy Dogg married Winnie the Pooh, hed be Snoop Doggy Dogg
Pooh.

How about a baseball marriage? If Boog Powell married Felipe Alou, hed
be Boog Alou.

If G. Gordon Liddy married Boutros-Boutros Ghali, then divorced him to
marry Kenny G., hed be G. Ghali G.

Nog (Quarks brother on Star Trek: Deep Space Nine) has no other name,
so he uses it twice when getting a marriage license. IF he married
Howard Hughes, and then Pamela Dare, hed be Nog Nog Hughes Dare.

If Shirley Jones married Tom Ewell, then Johnny Rotten, then Nathan
Hale, shed be Shirley Ewell Rotten Hale.

If Jack Handy (SNL writer) married Andy Capp, then married Jack Paar,
then moved on to Stephen King, hed be Jack Handy Capp Paar King.

If Javier Lopez married Keiko the whale, and Edith Piaf married Rose Tu
the elephant, they would be Javier Keiko and Edith Tu.

If Ivana Trump married, in succession, Orson Bean (actor), King Oscar
(of Norway), Louis B. Mayer (of MGM), and Norbert Wiener
(mathematician), she would then be Ivana Bean Oscar Mayer Wiener.

If Woody Allen married Natalie Wood, divorced he

Three trained dolphins escaped from their performing pen at a resort in Key Largo, Florida. They were discovered several days later in a lagoon off Key Biscayne, some 55 miles distant.

At 10 a.m., 2 p.m. and 4 p.m. they performed tricks, apparently hoping to be fed on their Key Largo schedule.

Bill Clinton has just had a major new policy decision that he thinks is going to save America. He decides to talk it over with Senator Dole.

Dole says, Well Bill, the Republicans arent to sure about this. Why do you go back to the White House and write a 20,000 word essay on your ideas, aims, etc. If you give it to me by 8 A.M. tomorrow, well think about it.

So, Bill goes back and does probably that hardest nights work ever. He really puts his heart and soul into the paper and proudly hands it over to Bob the next morning.

Bill was told to come back the next day when the republicans would pass judgement. The next day, Bill again trudges in and Bob says, Well Mr President, we were impressed with the paper, but there were a couple of spelling mistakes. Heres the deal. Im giving you a pair of dice, and if you role 1 to 11, we wont pass it.

But what if I get a 12? Bill asks. And Bob replies, You get to roll again.

An Irishman walks out of a bar.

What do the Starship Enterprise & toilet paper have in common?

They both circle Uranus searching for Klingons.

Va un avión pasando por la Amazonica cuando le ocurre un desperfecto técnico y tiene que hacer un aterrizaje de emergencia del cuál sólo sobrevive uno.

El sobreviviente recoge lo que le pueda servir para poder pasar la selva y empieza a caminar cuando de pronto se encuentra a una tribu de indígenas. El hombre ve a un indio grande con muchas plumas en la cabeza y se le acerca y empieza a decirle:

Yo venir en pajaro de hierro, hombre blanco venir en son de paz, yo traer cosas extrañas para la tribu, yo ser bueno, ¿tú entender?

El jefe de la tribu se le acerca, lo mira extrañado y le dice:

Chico, yo te entiendo, lo que no comprendo es por qué me hablas así como Tarzán.