Old and New Jokes

Sea-Floor Spreading Lament (folksong) by Brenna Lorenz

Refrain: Alas for the spreading of the ocean,
Alas for the spreading of the sea,
Alas for every year that passes by,
Taking you two inches more from me!

Oh, why did you leave our native plate,
Causing me to weep and to mourn?
With the plates diverging at such a rate,
To leave me alone and lorn?

If only the mantle would my counsel take,
If the Earth would but listen unto me,
Id say, Your convection cell remake,
And bring my darling back to me!

So dive you down, you ocean dark,
Part of the mantle be-
Fire you up, you island arc –
Subduct my darling back to me!

Q: How many Liverpool supporters does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: 96. One to change it and 95 to get killed in the crush when the whole city turns up to watch.

Note: Topical to the Hillsborough disaster.

Top Ten Reasons Why God Created Eve

10. God was worried that Adam would frequently become lost in the Garden.

9. God knew that one day Adam would require someone to locate and hand him the remote.

8. God knew Adam would never go out and buy himself a new fig leaf when his wore out and would therefore need Eve to buy one for him.

7. God knew Adam would never be able to make a doctors, dentist, or haircut appointment for himself.

6. God knew Adam would never remember which night to put the garbage on the curb.

5. God knew if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle the pain and discomfort of childbearing.

4. As the Keeper of the Garden, Adam would never remember where he left his tools.

3. Apparently, Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden.

2. As the Bible says, It is not good for man to be alone.

And finally, the Number 1 reason why God created Eve…

1. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched his head, and said, I can do better than that!

Va un homosexual empujando un choche cuesta arriba, jadeando del esfuerzo, cuando a un lado de él pasa un camión de materiales de construcción y le dice:

Si quiere se lo empujo.

A lo que el homosexual contesta:

¡Bueno! ¿Y qué hacemos con el coche?

A man walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk, and staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool and, with a belch ,asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender politely informs the man that it appears that he has already had plenty to drink, he could not be served additional liquor at this bar, and could a cab be called for him? The drunk is briefly surprised, then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down off the bar stool and staggers out the front door.



A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the SIDE door of the bar.He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over and, still politely – but more firmly, refuses service to the man due to his inebriation, and again offers to call a cab. The drunk looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head.



A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the BACK door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits and belligerently orders a drink. The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is clearly drunk, will be served no drinks, and either a cab or the police will be called immediately.



The surprised drunk looks at the bartender, and in hopeless anguish, cries MAAAN! How many bars do you work at?

I wish I was one of your tears, so I could be born in your eye, run down your cheek, and die on your lips.



Did you know they changed the alphabet? They put U and I together.



Can I borrow that quarter, cause my mom told me to call home when I fell in love



Whats wrong? Youre looking a little sad and gloomy. What you need is some vitamin me.



Are your legs tired? cause you been running through my mind ALL day long.



Are you lost? cause its so strange to see an angel so far from heaven.



Is your father a thief? cause he stole the sparkle from the stars, and put it in your eyes. (yo, watch out though, and be prepared with a snappy answer just in case she says yes)



Do you believe in love at first sight, or do I have to walk by you again?



Whats that in your eye? Oh…its a sparkle.



If I said you were an angel, would you treat me like the devil tonight?



Can I see that label? I just wanted to know if you were made in heaven.



Do you like raisins? How about a date?



So… How am I doin?



I miss my teddy bear…Would you sleep with me?



You look great and all, but do you know whatd really look good on you? Me.



Could I get some directions? (To where?) To your heart.



Is it hot in here, or is it just you?



If I told you you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?



Look at you, with all those curves, and me with no brakes.



Can I flirt with you?



Hi, my names _____, but you can call me lover.



(another quarter line). Could I borrow a quarter? cause I just want to call your mother and thank her.



(lick your finger and then touch her shirt). Here, let me help you out of those wet clothes.



What do you like for breakfast?



Say, did we go to different schools together?



Hi, my name is _____, how do you like me so far?



(At the copy machine) Reproducing, eh? Can I help?



Woman asks, Excuse me, do you have the time? You : Do you have the

energy?



You look like the type of girl thats heard every line in the book. So whats one more?



Hi, I make more money than you can spend.



Im new in town…could you give me directions to your apartment?



I think youre the most beautiful girl Ive seen…on a Wednesday



I know this is going to sound like a line, but did that sound like a line? Are you disappointed?



I know I dont look like much now, but Im drinking milk.



Do you have a map? I just got lost in your eyes.



Are you religious? Good, cause Im here to answer your prayers.



Did it hurt? (Did what hurt) When you fell out of heaven.



Inheriting 80 million doesnt mean much when you have a weak heart.



I lost my phone number, can I borrow yours?



If your parents hadnt met, Id be a very unhappy man right now.



Do you drink milk? It sure did your body good.

There were these two blondes walking down the road, when one of them saw a mirror and picked it up.

She looked in it and said, This person looks familiar.

The other blonde took it from her and looked in it. Then she exclaimed, Of course she looks familiar, you idiot… thats me!

Question: How do you tell the difference between Democrats, Republicans, and Southern Republicans?

The answer can be found by posing the following problem.

Youre walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children.

Suddenly, a dangerous looking man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife, and charges.

You are carrying a Glock and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?

Democrats Answer:

Well, thats not enough information to answer the question!

Does the man look poor or oppressed?

Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?

Could we run away?

What does my wife think?

What about the kids?

Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?

What does the law say about this situation?

Does the Glock have an appropriate safety built into it?

Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?

Is it possible hed be happy with just killing me and not my family?

Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?

If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?

Should I call 9-1-1?

Why is this street so deserted?

We need to raise taxes, have a paint and gardening day and make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior.

This is all so confusing!

I need to debate this with some friends for a few days and try to come to a consensus.

Republicans Answer:

BANG!

Southern Republicans Answer:

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
Click…(sounds of reloading).

Only in America:

…can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

…are there handicapped parking places in front of a skating rink.

…do people order double cheese burgers, a large fry, and a diet coke.

…do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

…do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and leave useless things and junk in boxes in the garage.

…do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we wont miss a call from someone we didnt want to talk to in the first place.

…do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

…do we use the word politics to describe the process so well: poli in latin meaning many and tics meaning blood-sucking creatures.

Elizabeth Taylor once boarded a plane. Everybody around greeted her. Since the plane was crowded she had difficulty in finding a seat.
She saw our Sardar Balwinder Singh who was sitting next to a vacant seat.She went up to him and introduced herself saying in her cool sexy voice, Hi, I am Elizabeth Taylor… Liz to you.
Balwinder was bewildered but immediately responded, Hi I am Balwinder .. Balls to you.