Old and New Jokes

Q. What should you do if you see your ex-husband rolling around in pain on the ground?

A. Shoot him again.

Q. How can you tell when a man is well-hung?

A. When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.

Q. What do you call the useless piece of skin on the end of a mans penis?

A. His body.

Q. Why do little boys whine?

A. Because theyre practicing to be men.

Q. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A. One – he just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.

OR

A. Three – one to screw in the bulb, and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.

Q. What do you call a handcuffed man?

A. Trustworthy.

Q. What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?

A. You didnt hold the pillow down long enough.

Q. Why do doctors slap babies butts right after theyre born?

A. To knock the penises off the smart ones.

Q. Why do men name their penises?

A. Because they dont like the idea of having a stranger make 90% of their decisions.

Q. Why does it take 100,000,000 sperm to fertilize one egg?

A. Because not one will stop and ask directions.

Q. Why do female black widow spiders kill their males after mating?

A. To stop the snoring before it starts.

Q. Whats the best way to kill a man?

A. Put a naked woman and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one.

Q. What do men and pantyhose have in common?

A. They either cling, run or dont fit right in the crotch!

Q. Why do men whistle when theyre sitting on the toilet?

A. Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

Q. What is the difference between men and women…

A. A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.

Q. How does a man keep his youth?

A. By giving her money, furs and diamonds.

Q. How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?

A. Rename the mail folder to instruction manuals

Send this to five bright, funny women you know and make their day!!

P.S. AT LEAST FINDING 5 BRIGHT, FUNNY WOMEN IS POSSIBLE

Three sisters decided to get married on the same day to save their parents the expense of separate weddings. As a further step to reduce the price tag, the three sisters resolved to spend their honeymoon night at home.

Later that night, their mother couldnt sleep, so she went to the kitchen for a cup of tea.

On her way, she tiptoed by her oldest daughters bedroom and heard her screaming.

The mother thought to herself, Thats normal, especially on her wedding night.

She snuck by her second oldest daughters room and heard her laughing.

Thats normal too, she said, smiling to herself.

Finally, she slipped by her youngest daughters room where she didnt hear a peep, but she thought nothing of it.

The next morning in the kitchen, after the husbands had gone out, the woman asked her eldest daughter about last nights noises. Well Mom, she replied, you always said if it hurt I should scream.

Youre absolutely right sweetheart, the mother assured her, turning to her middle daughter. Now why were you laughing? she asked.

You always said if it tickled, I could laugh, she answered.

True enough, honey. The mother smiled, remembering her newlywed days. Now its your turn, baby, she said turning to her youngest daughter. Why was it so quiet in your room last night?

Mom, dont you remember? You always told me never to talk with my mouth full.

Un chino iba a salir del país con 100 Kg de cocaína y 1000 dólares. La policía lo detiene y le amenaza:

Te vamos a llevar con el cabo, él si te va a dar duro.

Entonces lo llevan con el cabo:

¿Así que te has querido llevar 75 kilos de cocaína y 750 dólares? Ahora te las vas a ver con el coronel.

Al chino lo llevan donde el coronel:

¿Así que te has querido llevar 50 kilos de cocaína y 500 dólares? Ahora vas a ver el capitán, él te va mandar adentro.

Entonces lo llevan con el capitán:

¿Así que te has querido llevar 25 kilos de cocaína y 250 dólares? Ahora te las vas a ver con el mayor, él si te va a mandar a la cárcel y a hacer trabajos forzados.

Entonces lo llevan con el mayor:

¿Así que te has querido llevar 100 gramos de cocaína y 10 dólares?

El chino ya no aguanta y reclama:

Ya, al menos dejal pal pasaje.

El matrimonio estaba conversando:

Mi amor, ¿crees en el amor a primera vista?

¡Claro! Si te hubiera mirado dos veces no me habría casado.

***

Sabes querida, cuando hablas me recuerdas al mar.

¡Qué lindo mi amor! !No sabía que te impresionara tanto!

No me impresionas… ¡me mareas!

***

El marido le pregunta a su mujer:

¿Querida, cuando me muera vas a llorar mucho?

Claro, sabes que lloro por cualquier tontería…

***

Un matrimonio visita al médico. Tras examinar a la mujer, el médico le dice al marido:

La verdad es que no me gusta el aspecto de su esposa.

Ni a mi, pero es que su padre es rico.

***

¡Auxilio, socorro, amor que llamen a los bomberooos… se quema nuestra casaaaaa!

¡Shhhh!… silencio mi amor, no hagas ruido, no vayas a despertar a tu madre.

A panda walked into a bar. He went up to the bar and said Id like a steak and kidney pie and a Coke please so the barman took his order and the panda went to sit down. Soon a waiter brought over his meal. The panda ate it up, thanked and tipped the waiter and paid the bill.



All this seemed pretty normal until the panda pulled out a gun from the depths of his fur, pulled the trigger and BANG! shot the waiter.



The barman came over and said Wha.. wh.. You just shot my friend!!!

the panda calmly replied Do you know what I am?

Why yes, the barman answered. Your a panda.

Good, the panda nodded Now go home and look up panda in the dictionary. And with that, the panda walked out of the bar.



The barman was a little unsure, however he was very eager to be enlighted on the subject of his friends murder, so he went home to find his dictionary.



After a while, he found panda and quickly read the definition:



PANDA:1. A black and white bear native to China. Eats shoots and leaves.

Three guys enter a disabled swimming contest.

The first has no arms.

The second no legs.

And the third has no body, just a head.

They all line up, the whistle blows and splash theyre all in the pool.



The guy with no arms takes the lead instantly but the guy with no legs is closing fast. The head of course sank straight to the bottom.



Ten lengths later and the guy with no legs finishes first. He can still see bubbles coming from the bottom of the pool, so he decides he had better dive down to rescue him.



He picks up the head, swims back up to the surface and places the head at the side of the pool, where-upon the head starts coughing and spluttering.



Eventually the head catches his breath and shouts: Three years Ive spent learning to swim with my freakin ears, then two minutes before the whistle, some idiot puts a swimming cap on me!

A lady walks into the mall. She smells her perfume, ahh, $50 an ounce.She walks off. Another lady walks into the mall. She smells her perfume, ahhh, $100 an ounce. The last lady walks into the mall and farts. Ahhh, Broccli, 98 cents a pound.

Old Fishing Proverb (Mach 2)

Give a man a fish and hell eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and hell spend all day in a boat drinking beer.

Have you ever seen an asshole wrapped in plastic?

Just look at your drivers license!

The farmer was out working in his field, about a half mile from his house.

In the distance, he sees his six year old son running to him. When the son arrives, he tells his father that a preacher has showed up unannounced. The father asks his son which local preacher it is. The son responds that he hasnt seen him before.

The farmer tells his son that he has a little more work to do before he can head back to the house.

He tells his son to go back to the house and ask the preacher if he is a Methodist. If he says yes, then go hide the fried chicken that his mom is making.

If the preacher says he is a Protestant, then the son is to go hide his moonshine.

If the preacher says that he is a Baptist, the son is to sit on his mothers lap until he gets there!