Old and New Jokes

Perri-air

Skirts are better ventillated, making you more comfortable, and possibly less prone to infertility and impotence.
No more caught zippers (or things caught painfully in zippers).
You have a better choice of colours, styles, and fabrics with skirts,
So much more convenient for making love in the open air
No more trousers getting caught in your bicycle chain; throw those trouser clips away!
No more white legs when you strip off to swim
You too can learn to double cross your legs like your wife or girlfriend; Give your boss something else to think about while he lectures you about your poor results.
Erections can be more easily disguised under the folds, and more easily acted upon when the moment is right.
Youre a new man feminist? Great! then youll WANT to identify with your female friends/partner(s); learn to share skirts with them; go on buying expeditions together; no need to stop at the door of the underwear department either!
Beat that prejudice at work where men in suits only listen to other men in suits; now men and women in skirts will listen to other men and women in skirts.

Men! Dont be a prisoner of modern macho!

Do what men did for thousands of years before trousers were invented – go out and wear a skirt today!

Two buddies were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman and the other had a Chihuahua. As they sauntered down the street, the guy with the Doberman said to his friend, Lets go over to that bar and get something to drink. The guy with the Chihuahua said, We cant go in there. Weve got dogs with us.

The one with the Doberman said, Just follow my lead. They walked over to the bar and the guy with the Doberman put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk into the bar. The bouncer at the door said, Sorry, Mac, no pets allowed.

The man with the Doberman said, You dont understand. This is my Seeing-Eye dog. The bouncer said, A Doberman pinscher? The man said, Yes, theyre using them now. Theyre very good. The bouncer said, OK then, come on in. The buddy with the Chihuahua figured hed try it too so he put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk into the bar. He knew his story would be a bit more unbelievable. Once again the bouncer said,

Sorry, pal, no pets allowed. The man with the Chihuahua said, You dont understand. This is my Seeing-Eye dog.

The bouncer said, A Chihuahua? The man with the Chihuahua said, A Chihuahua?!? A Chihuahua?!? They gave me a damn Chihuahua???

Cleaning out the aviary at a run-down zoo, the keeper finds two finches have dropped dead from old age. In the monkey cage he discovers two of the oldest chimps have also kicked the bucket. Waste not want not so he puts them in a sack with the finches and later tosses them in the lions cage at feeding time. Oh, no! roars the lion, not finch and chimps again.

A chicken and a horse are playing in a field. The horse falls into a mudpuddle and cant get out.

He tells the chicken to go get the farmer so he can pull the horse out. The chicken looks for the farmer but cant find him.

The chicken takes the keys to the farmers mecedes and brings it to the horse. The chicken ties a rope to the bumper and pulls the horse out.

A few days later the horse and the chicken are playing in the field again, only this time the chicken falls in the mudpuddle.

He tells the horse to go get the farmer to get him out. The horse tells the chicken he has a better idea instead.

The horse stands over the chicken and tells him to grab his tool, and he will pull him out. The chicken did and pulled himself out.

The moral to the story is:

If you are hung like a horse, then you dont need a mercedes to pick up chicks!

This was in 1988 during Rajiv Gandhi and Zial Haq days. Once when RG went to Pakistan on a state visit , ZH showed him the state of the art telephone system of Pakistan. RG even made a call to hell and spoke to his mother Indira Gandhi for about 10 minutes. The bill came to just 1 pakistani rupee.
RG was highly impressed by Pakistans telephone system and after coming back to India ordered the ministry of communications to come up with equally good system in record time so that he too can show it to ZH when he makes a return visit to India after a couple of months. Indeed when ZH came to India , RG showed him the telephone system. ZH spoke to Bhutto in hell for about 10 minutes. The bill came to 300 indian rupees.
ZH made a sarcastic remark about the cost of the call to hell being so expensive . RG was furious and wanted to know why the call to hell was so expensive. The engineers immediately came up with the reason. A call to hell from India is a long distance call,but from Pakistan its a local call only.

Yknow yer a redneck, when someone yells "Hoedown!" and yer date drop tthe floor.

Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.

Insanity is my only means of relaxation.

Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.

Blessed are those who hunger and thirst, for they are sticking to their diets.

Youre getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.

Perhaps you know why women over fifty dont have babies: They would put them down somewhere and forget where they left them.

My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.

Every time I think about exercise, I lie down til the thought goes away.

God put me on earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now I am so far behind, I will live forever.

Its frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.

If you can remain calm, you just dont have all the facts.

Stress reducer: Put a bag on your head. Mark it Closed for remodeling. **caution – leave air holes.

I finally got my head together, and my body fell apart.

There cannot be a crisis this week; my schedule is already full.

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing in the right place, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.

There were 3 men on a plane a Chinese, Australian and an American. They all had to drop something from the plane otherwise they would crash. So the Chinese person dropped some knives. A father and a son were walking along but knives pierced the son. The father ran home and told his wife what happened, they both cried. The Australian dropped some guns. Another son and father were walking along when all of a sudden the guns smashed the sons head. The father went home told his wife what happened and they both cried. The American dropped . The son went home and a saw his father laughing his head off the son asked, “What’s so funny father?” “Well, when I farted, the next door neighbour’s house exploded!”.

The Pentagon recently discovered it had too many generals and offered an early retirement bonus. They promised any general who retired straight away his full annual benefits plus $10,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points on the generals body, with the general getting to select any pair of points he wished.

The first man, an Air Force general, accepted. He asked the pension man to measure from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. Six feet. He walked out with a check of $720,000.

The second man, an Army general, asked them to measure from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. Eight feet. He walked out with a cheque for $960,000.

When the third general, a grizzled old Marine, was asked where to measure, he told the pension man: From the tip of my penis to the bottom of my testicles.

The pension man suggested that perhaps the Marine general might like to reconsider, pointing out the nice cheques the previous two generals had received.

The Marine insisted and the pension expert said that would be fine but that hed better get the medical officer to do the measuring. The medical officer attended and asked the general to drop em. He did. The medical officer placed the tape on the tip of the generals penis and began to work back.

My God! he said. Where are your testicles?

The general smiled and replied, In Vietnam.