Old and New Jokes

1. Hey! Its my turn to sit in the front pew.
2. I was so enthralled, I never noticed your sermon went 25 minutes over time.
3. Personally I find witnessing much more enjoyable than golf.
4. Ive decided to give our church the $500 a month I used to send to TV evangelists.
5. I volunteer to be the permanent teacher for the Junior High Sunday School class.
6. Forget the denominational minimum salary, lets pay our pastor so he can live like we do.
7. I love it when we sing hymns Ive never heard before!
8. Since were all here, lets start the service early.
9. Pastor, wed like to send you to this Bible seminar in the Bahamas.
10. Nothing inspires me and strengthens my commitment like our annual stewardship campaign!

Twas the night before Christmas, and God it was neat.

The kids were both gone, and my wife was in heat.

The doors were all bolted, the phone off the hook,

It was time for some nooky, by hook or by crook.

Momma in her teddy and I in the nude,

Had just hit the bedroom and reached for the lube.

When out on the lawn there arose such a cry,

That I lost my boner, and momma went dry.

Up to the window I sprang like an elf,

Tore back the shade while she played with herself.

The moon on the crest of the snowman wed built,

Showed a broom up his ass, clean up to the hilt.

When what to my wondering eyes should appear,

But a rusty old sleigh and eight mangey reindeer.

With a fat little driver, half out of the sled,

A sock in his ear and a bra on his head.

Sure as Im speaking, he was high as a kite,

And he yelled to his team, but it didnt sound right.

Woa Shithead, woa Asshole, woa Stupid, woa Putz,

Either slow down this rig or Ill cut off your nuts.

Look out for the lamp post, and dont hit the tree,

Quit shaking the sleigh, cause I gotta go pee.

They cleared the old lamp post, the tree got a rub,

Just as Santa leaned out and threw up on my shrub.

And then from the roof we heard such a clatter,

As each little reindeer now emptied his bladder.

I was donning my jockies, to cover my ass,

When down the chimney Santa came with a crash.

His suit was all smelly with perfume galore,

He looked like a bum and he smelled like a whore.

That was some brothel, he said with a smile,

The reindeer are pooped, and Ill just stay awhile

He walked to the kitchen for himself poured a drink,

Then whipped out his pecker and pissed in the sink.

I started to laugh, my wife smiled with glee,

The old boy was hung nearly down to his knee.

Back in the den, Santa reached in his sack,

But his toys were all gone, and some new things were packed.

The first thing he found was a pair of false tits,

The next was a handgun with a penis that spits.

A box filled with condoms was Santas next find,

And six pair of panties, the edible kind.

A bra without nipples, a penis extension,

And several more things I shouldnt even mention.

A fuck ring, a G-string, and all types of oil,

And a dildo so long that it lay in a coil.

This stuff aint for kids, Mrs. Santa will shit,

So Ill leave em here, and then Ill just split.

He filled every stocking and then took his leave,

With one tiny butt plug stuck under his sleeve.

He sprang to his sleigh, but his feet were like lead,

Thus he fell on his ass and broke wind instead.

In time he was seated, took reigns of his hitch,

Saying, Take me home, Rudolf. This nights been a bitch!

The sleigh was near gone when we heard Santa shout,

The best thing about pussy is you cant wear it out!!

What do you call a sleeping bull?

A bulldozer.

Standing at the pearly gates of heaven, Albert noticed pointing to two paths. One was marked Women and the other marked Men.

He took the path assigned to men and then came upon two more gates.

The right-hand gate had a sign that read Men Who Were Dominated By Their Spouses; the other gate read Men Who Were Boss And Dominated Their Spouses. The first gate had an endless line of guys waiting, but only one little guy stood before the male domination gate.

Albert was undecided, so he walked up to the little guy standing all alone and asked, Why are you standing at this gate, a little punk like you?

The smallish fellow replied, I havent a clue. My wife told me to stand here.

O Little Melting Particle
(to the tune of O Little Town Of Bethlehem)

Para Dichloro Benzene
how do you melt so well?
The plateau of your cooling curve
is really something swell.
We think the heat of fusion
of water is so nice
Give up fourteen hundred cals per mole
and what you get is ice.

El conde regresa de las cruzadas y manda reunir a todos sus sirvientes. Una vez reunidos, les dice:

Antes de irme a las cruzadas ordené que le pusieran a mi esposa, la condesa, un cinturón de castidad con guillotina. Ahora veremos si me fueron fieles. ¡Abajo los pantalones!

Todos los sirvientes tenían el miembro rebanado, menos uno. El conde lo llama:

Ven acá, mi fiel Bertoldo, y dile unas palabras a este montón de desvergonzados.

¡Ggg… g… ggggg… gg!

El cielo y el infierno se encontraban en un dilema, para resolver sobre el alma de un abogado, ya que el cielo no tenía ninguno. Deciden hacer un partido de fútbol para ver quien se lo lleva, y San Pedro se burla:

¡Ja, ja, ja!, perdiste diablo, porque conmigo están Maradona, Pelé, Garrincha, Cruiff, y otros.

Sin preocuparse, el diablo le responde:

¿Y, qué? Mira en el banquillo a quienes tenemos nosotros.

En la banca, los tres árbitros estaban sentados.

The more you run over a cat, the flatter it gets.

Q: What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you?
A: Run! Shes got a hand grenade in her mouth.

Q: How do you know when a blonde has been making chocolate chip cookies?
A: You find M&M shells all over the kitchen floor.