Old and New Jokes

The wife says: Hang the picture there
The wife means: No, I mean hang it there!

The wife says: I heard a noise
The wife means: I noticed you were almost asleep.

The wife says: Do you love me?
The wife means: Im going to ask for something expensive.

Bob is a regular guy and he is out at a local bar one night having a good time. Jack, the bartender and owner of the bar, offered him another drink and as he did Bob spoke up. Hey Jack, youre a betting kinda man arent ya? Maybe Bob, what did ya have in mind. Well Jack, I will bet you $1,000 that I can put a shot glass at the end of your bar and piss into it without spilling a drop. Jack thought to himself, This guy must be a complete moron. There is no way he is gonna make that. This is gonna the easiest grand Ive ever made. Okay Bob. youre on. Jack walked down to the other end of the bar and positioned a shot glass on the end. He walked back behind the bar and said, Okay Bob, Lets see what you got. Bob unzipped his fly and staring pissing all over the walls, over the bar top, all over the bottle of booze, and all over Jack. Jack roared with laughter and almost fell over. Then he noticed that Bob was sitting at the bar smiling. What are you smiling at jackass, you just lost $1,000. Well Bob, ya see that guy over there in the cowboy hat writing out a check. Yeah, what about him. Well I just bet him $10,000 that I could piss all over your bar, your walls, your booze and you, and not only wouldnt you be mad, you would laugh hysterically about it.

Question: Why did they let the turkey join the band?

Answer: Because he had his own drumsticks!

Se encuentran tres Doctores en la sala de operaciones tratando de corregir un problema físico. Y dice uno:

Ese miembro viril es muy grande. Cortemos un gran pedazo en la punta.

¡No! Eso le haría perder toda su sensibilidad.

Bueno, cortemos entonces un gran pedazo en medio…

¡No! Después tendríamos problemas conectando nervios y venas.

Bueno, cortemos un gran pedazo en la base.

¡No! Allí están las válvulas que regulan el flujo sanguíneo.

La enfermera, quien ya estaba temblando y además roja como una manzana ante la vista de aquello, dice:

¡Ay, déjenlo así! Está muy bien este hombre, ¿por qué mejor no le hacen las piernas más largas?

Esta es la transcripción de una conversación radial real entre un buque de la Armada de los Estados Unidos y autoridades canadienses costeras de Newfoundland, en octubre de 1995.

Estadounidenses: Por favor, cambien su curso 15 grados al Norte, a fin de evitar colisión.

Canadienses: Recomendamos que ustedes cambien su curso 15 grados al Sur, a fin de evitar la colisión.

Estadounidenses: Les habla el capitán de un buque de la Armada de los Estados Unidos. Repito: cambien su curso.

Canadienses: No. Repetimos: ustedes deben cambiar su curso.

Estadounidenses: Este es el portaaviones Abraham Lincoln, el segundo buque en tamaño de la flota de los Estados Unidos de América en el Atlántico; nos acompañan tres destructores, tres cruceros y numerosos buques de apoyo. Demando que usted cambie su curso 15 grados al norte, o tomaremos medidas para garantizar la seguridad de este buque.

Canadienses: Este es un faro. Ustedes deciden.

Miramontes y Casimiro, dos amigos invidentes, se fueron de vacaciones. Al llegar al hotel pidieron una habitación doble, con agua caliente, servicio al cuarto y toda la cosa. Por la noche decidieron tratar de dormir temprano. Al acostarse pregunta Casimiro:

¿Apagaste la luz, Miramontes?

Sí, sí la apagué, pero y tú ¿por qué encendiste ese fósforo?

Pues para ver si habías apagado la luz.

There were 3 men stranded on an island. they all went in search of life when they came across a bottle. they rub the bottle and poof, out comes a geanie. alright you got one wish each the geanie said. the first guy said i want to be back home with all my family and friends and poof he was gone. then the second guy said id like to be back home with all my friends since i have no family. then the 3rd guy said well i have no family or friends so i wish for the other 2 guys to come back.

You ever told a child that Oscar the Grouch lives in a trash can because he is lazy and doesnt want to contribute to society.

A: To break on through to the other side.

President Clinton looks up from his desk in the Oval Office to see one of his
aides nervously approaching him. What is it? the President yells. Its the
abortion bill, Mr. President. What do you want to do about it? the aide
asks.

President Clinton responds, Just go ahead and pay it!