Old and New Jokes

It was George the Mailmans last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who roundly and soundly congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope. At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orangejuice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cups bottom edge.

All this was just too wonderful for words, he said, but whats the dollar for?

Well, she said, last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you.

I asked him what to give you. He said, Fuck him. Give him a dollar. The breakfast was my idea!

A blonde golfer goes into the pro shop and looks around frowning.

Finally the pro askes her what she wants. I cant find any green golf balls, the blonde golfer complains.

The pro looks all over the shop, and through all the catalogs, and finally calls the manufacturers and determines that sure enough, there are no green golf balls.

As the blonde golfer walks out the door in disgust, the pro asks her, Before you go, could you tell me why in the world you want green golf balls?

Well obviously, because they would be so much easier to find in the sand traps!

What are the 4 theological proofs that Jesus was Jewish?

He lived at home until he was 30.
He went into his fathers business.
He believed his mother was still a virgin.
His mother thought he was God.

A tourist is picked up by a cabbie in New York on a dark night.

The passenger taps the driver on the shoulder to ask him something.



The driver screams, loses control of the car, nearly hits a bus, drives up on the sidewalk, and stops inches from a shop window.



For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, Look friend, dont EVER do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!



The passenger apologizes and says he didnt realize that a little tap could scare him so much.

The driver, after gathering himself together replied, Sorry, its not really your fault.



Today is my first day as a cab driver – Ive been driving hearses for the last 25 years!

Q: Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?

A: Ask your mom.

Q: Why are only 2% of blondes touch-typists?

A: The rest are huntn peckers.

Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

Why do we sing Take me out to the ball game, when we are already there?

Why do your feet smell and your nose runs?

Why do you need an appointment to see a psychic…shouldnt they already know youre coming?

Why does it take 15 minutes to cook minute rice?

Why doesnt glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Why doesnt Tarzan have a beard?

Why dont they just use fattest man in the world for a hockey goalie?

Why don’t you ever see the headline Psychic Wins Lottery?

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?

Why is it called a building when it is already built?

Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?

Why is it that bullets ricochet off of Superman’s chest, but he ducks when the gun is thrown at him?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why was Evelyn Wood in such a hurry?

Tickets to a Steelers/Browns game: $80.00

Authentic Steelers Jersey: $95.00

Hot Dog and Drink: $11.50

Temporary Tattoo: $8.50

Teaching your son to hate the Browns by age 5: Priceless!

One day, the Pope is visiting America and driving around Washington in his limo when he gets an idea.
"Driver? Can I drive for a while?"
"Sure," says the driver. How can you say no to the Pope? So the Pope takes the wheel and starts driving like a maniac all around Washington — dodging in and out of traffic, going eighty, cutting people off. Soon, a cop pulls him over. But when the Pope rolls down the window, the cop stops dead in his tracks, and goes back to the car.
"We got somebody really important here," he says to his partner.
"Who is it? Is it a senator?"
"No. More important."
"The president?"
"No. More important."
"An ambassador? Who?"
"I dont know. But the Pope is his driver."

What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?

Men always miss them!