Old and New Jokes

When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case Heaven is like the IRS.

Q: What was Corazon Aquinos happiest hour?

A: When she found out she had Imelda Marcos shoe size.

What do you get when you cross an elephant and kangaroo together?
Giant holes all over Africa!

You might be a redneck if you think genitalia is an Italian airline!

It is recounted that at Kings College in the Strand around the time of the war, the Chief of Services would inevitably begin the years rounds by teaching a singularly important principle of medicine.

He asked a nurse to fetch him a sample of urine. He then talked at length about diabetes mellitus. Diabetes, he said, is a greek name; but the Romans noticed that the bees like the urine of diabetics, so they added the word mellitus which means sweet as honey. Well, as you know, you may find sugar in the urine of a diabetic…

By now, the nurse had returned with a sample of urine which the registrar promptly held up like a trophy. We stared at that straw colored fluid as if we had never seen such a thing before. The registrar then startled us. He dipped a finger boldly into the urine, then licked his finger with the tip of his tongue. As if tasting wine, he opened and closed his lips rapidly. Could he perhaps detect a faint taste of sugar? The sample was passed on to us for an opinion. We all dipped a finger into the fluid, all of us foolishly licked that finger.

Now, said the Registrar grinning, you have learned the first principle of diagnosis. I mean the power of observation.

We were baffled. We stood near the sluice room outside the ward, and in the distance, some anonymous patient was explosively coughing.

You see, the registrar said continuing triumphantly, I dipped my MIDDLE finger into the urine, but licked my INDEX finger, not like all you chaps!

Three buddies die in a car crash, and they go to heaven to an orientation.

They are all asked, When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you? The first guy says, I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man.

The second guy says, I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow.

The last guy replies, I would like to hear them say, Look! Hes moving!

Way down in the deep south, in an area known as the Bible Belt, there lived a Baptist minister with a very large congregation. One morning, after a particularly moving sermon, he announced, Friends I have been hearing very nasty rumors!

The crowd fell into an expectant silence. The Minister continued, One of you, here among us, has been reporting that I am a member of the dreaded Klu Klux Klan. This, of course, is not true! I am asking that the guilty party confess and apologize now – right here – before my flock of loyal followers.



Sister Margaret quickly stood up and pleaded, Preacher, please, I dont know how this all came to be. I just mentioned to one of my close friends that you were a wizard under the sheets.

25. If you havent done laundry in so long you are wearing your swim suit to class

If all the worlds a stage,

I want more props!

On
a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe
storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad
to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman
in particular loses it.
Screaming, she stands up in front of the plane. "Im
too young to die!" she wails. "Well, if
Im going to die, I want my last minutes on Earth
to be memorable! Ive had plenty of sex in my life,
but no one has ever made me really feel like a woman!
Well Ive had it! Is there ANYONE on this plane who
can make me feel like a WOMAN??"
For a moment, there is silence. Everyone has forgotten
their own peril, and they all stare, riveted, at the
desperate woman in the front of the plane.
Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane. "I
can make you feel like a woman," he says. Hes
gorgeous. Tall, built, with long, flowing black hair
and jet black eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the
aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time.
No one moves.
The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as
the stranger approaches. He removes his shirt. Muscles
ripple across his chest as he reaches her, and extends
the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman,
and whispers:
"Iron this."