Old and New Jokes

A young man took a blind date to an amusement park.

They went for a ride on the Ferris wheel. The ride completed, she seemed rather bored.

What would you like to do next? he asked.

I wanna be weighed, she said. So the young man took her over to the weight guesser. One-twelve, said the man at the scale, and he was absolutely right.

Next they rode the roller coaster. After that, he bought her some popcorn and cotton candy, then he asked what else she would like to do.

I wanna be weighed, she said.

I really latched onto a square one tonight, thought the young man, and using the excuse he had developed a headache, he took the girl home.

The girls mother was surprised to see her home so early, and asked, Whats wrong, dear, didnt you have a nice time tonight?

Wousy! said the girl.

• Yave ever had to turn your pickup truck around because of bridge clearance restrictions.

• Yave ever heard a sheep bleat and had romantic thoughts.

• Yave ever hit a deer with your car… on purpose!

• Yave ever hollered Rock the house, Bubba! during a piano recital

• Yave ever stabbed the back of someones hand while they were reaching for the last piece of chicken.

• Yave ever stolen toilet paper.

• Yave ever stood in line to have your picture taken with a freak of nature.

• Yave ever used lard in bed.

• Yave ever worn a tube top to a wedding.

• Yave ever yelled squeal like a piggy when making love.

• Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.

• Your CB antenna is a danger to low-flying planes.

• Your dog has ever brought home something that ya cooked for dinner.

• Your dog passes gas and ya claim it.

• Your entire family has ever sat around waiting for a call from the Governor to spare a loved one.

• Your high school annual is now a mug shot book for the police.

• Your house doesnt have curtains but your truck does.

• Your house still has the WIDE LOAD sign on the back.

• Your kids take a siphon hose to Show and Tell.

• Your lifetime goal is to own your own fireworks stand.

• Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size bottle of ketchup.

• Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.

• Your wife has a beer belly and ya find it attractive.

• Your richest relative buys a new house and ya have to help take the wheels off of it.

• Your stereo speakers used to belong to the Moonlight Drive-in Theater.

• Your underwear doubles as your bathing suit.

• Your grandmother has ever been asked to leave the bingo hall because of her language.

• Yave ever raked leaves in your kitchen.

How is a man like the weather?

Nothing can be done to change either one of them.

A Dell technician recieved a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was bad and an invalid. The tech explained that the computers bad command and invalid responses shouldnt be taken personally.

Q: How many off-campus landlords does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. The students will just wreck it, anyhow, so why bother?

Did you hear that Captain Hook died from jock itch?

Ha muerto Don Nicanor y la gente lo esta velando.U na mujer al mirar el cadáver ve que el finado tenía un pene super grande, se da vuelta y le comenta a una amiga:

Mira, igualito al de mi marido.

El marido mas atrás escucha esto y saca pecho. La amiga sorprendida dice:

¿Así de grande?

No, así de muerta.

In Vegas, a blonde walks up to a Coke machine and puts in a coin. Out pops a coke. The blonde looks amazed and runs away to get some more coins. She returns and starts feeding the machine madly, and of course the machine keeps popping out the drinks.

Another person walks up behind the blonde and watches her antics for a few minutes before stopping her and asking if someone else could have a go.



The blonde spins around and shouts in her face: Cant you see Im winning??

Patient: Doctor, what I need is something to stir me up; something to put me in a fighting mood. Did you put something like that in this prescription?

Doctor: No need for that. You will find that in your bill.

Lawyers Give Poor Free Legal Advice

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

Fund Set Up for Beating Victims Kin

Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years

Cancer Society Honors Marlboro Man