Old and New Jokes

Its just to hot to wear clothes today, said Jack as he stepped out of the shower.

Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?

Probably that I married you for your money.

Heard on WCBS radio, New York: A blind man was arrested for driving
without a license after the car he was driving crashed into a tree.
He explained to police that this was the fulfillment of one of his
lifelong dreams: to drive an automobile. Apparently he had
fulfilled another of his lifelong dreams the preceding weekend: to
play outfield for the New York Yankees.

Told to me by my girlfriend, who isnt blond. (Though I am):

Q: Why do blondes have bruises around their belly button?

A: Because there are blond guys, too.

It was slightly before Christmas. The trip went reasonably well, and he was ready to go back. The airport on the other end had turned a tacky red and green, and loudspeakers blared annoying elevator renditions of cherished Christmas carols.

Being someone who took Christmas very seriously, and being slightly tired, he was not in a particularly good mood.

Going to check in his luggage (which, for some reason, had become one suitcase with entirely new clothes), he saw hanging mistletoe. Not real mistletoe, but very cheap plastic with red paint on some of the rounder parts and green paint on some of the flatter and pointier parts, that could be taken for mistletoe only in a very Picasso sort of way.

With a considerable degree of irritation and nowhere else to vent it, he said to the attendant,

Even if I were not married, I would not want to kiss you under such a ghastly mockery of mistletoe.

Sir, look more closely at where the mistletoe is.

(pause)

Ok, I see that its above the luggage scale, which is the place youd have to step forward for a kiss.

Thats not why its there.

(pause)

Ok, I give up. Why is it there?

Its there so you can kiss your luggage goodbye.

Two men are drinking in a bar at the top of the Empire State Building. One turns to the other and says: You know last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building- by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the winds around the building are so intense that they carry you around the building and back into the window. The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar.

The 2nd Man says: What are you a nut? There is no way in heck that could happen.

1st Man: No its true let me prove it to you. So he gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony, and careens to the street below. When he passes the 10th floor, the high wind whips him around the building and back into the 10th floor window and he takes the elevator back up to the bar.

The 2nd Man tells him: You know I saw that with my own eyes, but that must have been a one time fluke.

1st Man: No, Ill prove it again and again he jumps and hurtles toward the street where the 10th floor wind gently carries him around the building and into the window. Once upstairs he urges his fellow drinker to try it.

2nd Man: Well what the heck, it works, Ill try it. So he jumps over the balcony, plunges downward, passes the 11th, 10th, 9th, 8th floors and hits the sidewalk with a splat.

Back upstairs the Bartender turns to the other drinker:

You know, Superman, youre a real jerk when youre drunk.

As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says Hi! My name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load. The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if theyve never spoken, the blonde says brightly, Hi! My name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load! Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street. At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker lowers the window. Again she says Hi! My name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load! When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says Hi! My name is Kevin. Its winter in Canada and Im driving the salt truck!

A guy walks into a store and buys six jumbo boxes of condoms. The store clerk asks the man, What do you do with all of those?
The guy replies, I taught my dog to swallow them and now he shits in little plastic baggies!

The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had gone. Oh, sister, said the young nun dreamily. Ive been saved.

Saved? And how did that fine thing come about? asked the old nun.

Well, when Fr. John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven.

Did he now? said the old nun evenly.

Sister Magdalene continued, And Fr. John said that if the Key to Heaven fitted my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured of salvation and eternal peace And then Father John guided his Key to Heaven into my lock.

Is that a fact, said the old nun even more sternly.

At first it hurt terribly, but Fr. John said the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved.

That wicked old Devil, said the old nun. He told me it was Gabriels Horn, and Ive been blowing it for 40 years!

A guy walks into a bar with his dog. They both go up to the barstool and sit down. The owner orders two beers.

The bartendar just frowns and says, Look buddy, we cant have any dogs sitting up at the bar.

The owner retorts, But this is no ordinary dog. The bartendar doesnt budge from his stance and tells the guy to leave.

The owner protests, Look, this is no ordinary dog. This is a talking dog.

The bartendar says, Yeah right buddy.
Okay, why dont you and your talking dog leave the bar?

The owner says, Okay, Ill tell you what. Ill go into the bathroom and take a leak. You can talk to my dog while I go. If you still want us to leave when I get back, we will.

So the owner leaves. And the dog and the bartendar start talking it up like they are long lost friends. The bartendar starts to really like this dog. There talking about sports and beer and women.

So the bartendar comes up with an idea. He turns to the dog and says, Look, I have a friend who owns the bar across the street. If I give you $20 will you go into the bar and order a beer from him?
The dog says, No problem, and gets up and leaves.

The owner comes back and ask where his dog is. The bartenday explains about the joke. So the owner leaves to get his dog.

Right out of the bar, the owner sees his dog humping another lady dog. And the owner says, Hey, get off of her. Why have I never seen you doing this before?
To which the dog replies, Because I have never had $20 before.

3 elderly gentlemen were sitting on a park bench discussing what the meanest animal in the world was.

The first said, The meanest animal in the world is a Hippopotamus, cause its got such big jowls. One bite and your gone.

The second shook his head and said Nah, hippo may be mean, but aint nothing meaner than an alligator. He got a big mouth and all them teeth, snap ?, one bite, ha, one swallow, you gone.

The third gentleman sat for a moment, and finally he spoke and said, No sir, the meanest aninmal in the world is a hippagator.

The other two in disbelief inquired as to what in the world is a hippagator, believing there was no such animal.

The gentleman slowly began to explain, A hippagator got a hippo head on one end, and an gator head on the other

WAIT ! interrupted the others, If he has a head on both ends, How does he shit ?

The reply was simply, He dont, thats what makes him so mean.