Old and New Jokes

One day this fellow noticed that a new couple had moved into the
house next door. He was also quick to notice that the woman liked
to sunbathe in the backyard, usually in a skimpy bikini that
showed off a magnificent pair of breasts. He made it a point to
water and trim his lawn as much as possible, hoping for yet
another look. Finally, he could stand it no more. Walking to the
front door of the new neighbors house, he knocked and waited.
The husband, a large, burly man, opened the door.

Excuse me, our man stammered, but I couldnt help noticing how
beautiful your wife is.

Yeah? So? his hulking neighbor replied.

Well, in particular, I am really struck by how beautiful her
breasts are. I would gladly pay you ten thousand dollars if I could
kiss those breasts.

The burly gorilla is about to deck our poor guy when his wife
appears and stops him. She pulls him inside and they discuss the
offer for a few moments. Finally, they return and ask our friend
to step inside.

OK, the husband says gruffly, for ten thousand dollars you can
kiss my wifes tits.

At this the wife unbuttons her blouse, and the twin objects of
desire hang free at last. Our man takes one in each hand, and
proceeds to rub his face against them in total ecstasy. This goes
on for several minutes, until the husband gets annoyed.
Well, come on already, kiss em! he growls.

I cant, replies our awe-struck hero, still nuzzling away.

Why not? demands the husband, getting really angry now.

I dont have ten thousand dollars.

John was a clerk in a small drugstore but he was not much of a salesman. He could never find the item the customer wanted.

Bob, the owner, had about enough and warned John that the next sale he missed would be his last.

Just then a man came in coughing and he ask John for their best cough syrup. Try as he might John could not find the cough syrup. Remembering Bobs warning he sold the man a box of Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once.

The customer did as John said and then walked outside and leaned against a lamp post.

Bob had seen the whole thing and came over to ask John what had transpired.

He wanted something for his cough but I couldnt find the cough syrup. I substituted Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once John explained.

Ex-Lax wont cure a cough! Bob shouted angrily.

Sure it will John said, pointing at the man leaning on the lamp post.

Just look at him. Hes afraid to cough!

10. The monitor is up on blocks.

9. Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them.

8. The six front keys have rotted out.

7. The extra RAM slots have truck parts installed in them.

6. The numeric keypad only goes up to six.

5. The password is Huntin.

4. The CPU has a gun rack mount.

3. There is a Skoal can in the CD-ROM drive.

2. The keyboard is camouflaged.

1. The mouse is referred to as a critter.

New Years Resolutions for Internet Junkies…



I will try to figure out why I *really* need 9 e-mail addresses.

I will stop sending e-mail to my wife (husband).

I resolve to work with neglected children — my own.

I will answer my snail mail with the same enthusiasm with which I answer my e-mail.

I will stop sending e-mail, ICQ, Instant Messages and be on the phone at the same time with the same person.

I resolve to back up my 12GB hard drive daily…well, once a week… okay, monthly then…or maybe…

I will spend less than one hour a day on the Internet. This, of course, will be hard

to estimate since Im not a clock watcher.

When I hear Where do you want to go today? I will not reply MS Tech Support.

When I hear a funny joke I will not reply, LOL… LOL!

I will read the manual… just as soon as I can find it.

I will think of a password other than password.

I will stop checking my e-mail at 3:00 in the morning… 4:30 is much more practical.

I resolve… I resolve to… I resolve to, uh… I resolve to, uh, get my, er…

I resolve to, uh, get my, er, off-line work done, too!

1. When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.

2. When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, its probably obsolete.

3. The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where youd least expect to find it.

4. When the going gets tough, upgrade.

5. For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.

6. To err is human…to blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human, its downright natural.

7. He who laughs last, probably has a back-up.

8. The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions.

9. A complex system that doesnt work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked just fine.

10. A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but rarely what you want it to do.

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.

109. While your roommate is out, glue your shoes to the ceiling. When your roommate walks in, sit on the floor, hold your head, and moan.

May you grow so rich your widows second husband never has to worry about a living, God forbid.

There are a Frenchman, an Englishman, a German and a Jew on a
plane, and about half way through their flight the captain reports that
there are engine troubles, and in order to stay in the air the plane must
lose some weight. After the baggage is dropped, the plane is still too
heavy.

The frenchman, being full of pride for his country, opens the
plane door and says Viva la France and jumps out. Still too heavy.

The Englishman says For my Queen and country and jumps out, but
the plane is still too heavy.

The German says For the Fatherland and pushes the Jew out.

– It didnt have the guts to do it.

In retrospect, lighting the match was my big mistake. But I was only
trying to retrieve the gerbil, Vito Bustone told bemused doctors in the
Severe Burns Unit of Salt Lake City Hospital.

Bustone, and his homosexual partner Kiki Rodriguez, had been admitted
for treatment after a felching session had gone seriously wrong.

I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum and slipped Faggot, our
gerbil, in, he explained. As usual, Kiki shouted out Armageddon, my
cue that hed had enough. I tried to retrieve Faggot but he wouldnt
come out again, so I peered into the tube and struck a match, thinking
the light might attract him.

At a hushed press conference, a hospital spokesman described what
happened next. The match ignited a pocket of intestinal gas and a flame
shot up the tube, igniting Mr Bustones moustache and severely burning
his face. It also set fire to the gerbils fur and whiskers which, in
turn, ignited a larger pocket of gas further up the intestine, propelling
the rodent out like a cannonball.

Bustone suffered second degree burns and a broken nose from the
impact of the gerbil, while Rodriguez suffered first and second degree
burns to his anus and lower intestinal tract. Sheriff Hugo Root later
told reporters: Its Faggot I feel sorry for. Being stuffed up some
queens tradesmans entrance …

(Bloomberg News Service 11/8/93. Spotter — Dr Stewart A. Cowley)