Old and New Jokes

An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician are staying in a hotel while
attending a technical seminar.

The engineer wakes up and smells smoke. He goes out into the hallway and sees a
fire, so he fills a trash can from his room with water and douses the fire. He
goes back to bed.

Later, the physicist wakes up and smells smoke. He opens his door and sees a
fire in the hallway. He walks down the hall to a fire hose and after calculating
the flame velocity, distance, water pressure, trajectory, etc. extinguishes the
fire with the minimum amount of water and energy needed.

Later, the mathematician wakes up and smells smoke. He goes to the hall, sees
the fire and then the fire hose. He exclaims, Ah, a solution exists! and then
goes back to bed.

This comes by way of a died in the wool New Yorker that I sometimes work with. Written by her mom, I think, but there are similar diaries floating around. Picture someone moving from the sun belt to the snow belt…

December 8:

6:00 p.m. and it has started to snow. The first of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat by the window watching the soft flakes drift down all over the area. It was beautiful.
December 9:

We awoke to a big blanket of crystal white snow covering the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Every tree and shrub was covered by a beautiful mantle. I shoveled snow for the first time in years and loved it. I did both the driveway and sidewalks. Later, a snow plow came through and covered our sidewalk with compacted snow from the street, so I shoveled it again.
December 12:

The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Oh well, Im sure we will get some more before the winter is through.
December 14:

It snowed inches last night and the temperature dropped to 20 below zero. Shoveled the driveway and sidewalks again and the snow plow came by and did its trick again.
December 15:

Sold my van and bought a 4×4 Blazer so I can drive in the snow. Bought my wife snow tires for her car.
December 16:

Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway. All that was hurt was my feelings.
December 17:

Still cold (below zero in the AM) and the icy roads make for very tough driving.
December 20:

Had another 14 inches of the white shit last night. More shoveling in store for me today. The God Damn snow plow came by twice.
December 22:

We are assured of a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the shit fell today and with this freezing fucking weather, it wont melt til August. Got all dressed up to go out and shovel (boots, jumpsuit, heavy jacket, scarf, earmuffs, gloves, etc.) and then I got the urge to piss.
December 23:

I was going to go ice fishing today, but the fucking worms froze and I didnt want the fish to break their teeth on my fucking bait.
December 24:

If I ever catch the son-of-a-bitch that drives that fucking plow, Ill drag him through the snow by his balls. I think he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then comes down the street at 100 miles an hour throwing the shit all over what used to be my lawn.
December 25:

Merry Christmas! They predict 20 more fucking inches of the white bullshit. I wonder if they know just how many fucking shovels full of snow 20 inches is? Assholes! Fuck Santa, he doesnt have to bust his balls shoveling shit. The snow plow driver came by and asked for a donation. I rapped him upside his fucking head with the snow shovel!
December 26:

Guess who the fuck got 28 plus more inches last night? I must be going snow blind or getting cabin fever, because the wife is starting to look real good to me!
December 27:

Cock sucking toilet froze. If you go outside, dont eat the brown snow.
December 28:

I set fire to the fucking house. Now, I want to see the white shit cling to the roof!!!

What do you get when you cross a rooster and peanut butter?

A cock that sticks to the roof of your mouth!

A married woman is having an affair. Whenever her lover comes over, she puts her nine-year-old son in the closet. One day, the woman hears a car in the driveway and puts her lover in the closet as well.

Inside the closet, the little boy says, Its dark in here, isnt it?

Yes it is. the man replies.

You wanna buy a baseball? the little boy asks.

No thanks. the man replies.

I think you do want to buy a baseball the little extortionist continues.

Okay. How much? the man replies, after considering the position he is in. Twenty-five dollars. the little boy replies.

Twenty-five dollars! the man repeats incredulously, but complies to protect his hidden position.

The following week, the lover is visiting the woman again, when she hears a car in the driveway and again places her lover in the closet with her little boy.

Its dark in here, isnt it? the boy starts off.

Yes it is. replies the man.

Wanna buy a baseball glove? the little boy asks.

Okay. How much this time! the hiding lover responds, acknowledging his disadvantage.

Fifty dollars. the boy replies and the transaction is completed.

The next weekend, the little boys father says Hey, son. Go get your

ball and glove and well play some catch.

I cant. I sold them replies the little boy.

How much did you get for them? asks the father, expecting to hear the profit in terms of lizards and candy.

Seventy-five dollars. the little boy says.

Seventy-five dollars! Thats thievery! Im taking you to the church right now. You must confess your sin and ask for forgiveness. the father explains, as he hauls the child away.

At the church, the little boy goes into the confessional, draws the curtain, sits down, and says Its dark in here, isnt it?

The priest says…Dont you start that crap in here now!

Whos there?
Orange.
Orange who?
Orange ya glad ya dont have cancer?

A guy goes into a bar, orders twelve shots and starts drinking them as fast as he can.

The bartender says, Dang, why are you drinking so fast?

The guy says, You would be drinking fast if you had what I had.

The bartender says, What do you have?

The guy says, 75 cents.

Walking past the Royal Courts of Justice one day, a man spotted a friend of his sitting on the steps outside, sobbing loudly with his head buried in his hands.

Whats the matter?

he asked of his friend, did your lawyer give you bad advice ..?

No – its worse than that, replied the friend between sobs, he sold it to me…

Got in trouble for watching a woman breast feed her baby at the mall, she got mad and told her husband to beat the shit out of me….now I admit the flashbulb may have made the baby cry….

First things first:



NO CHEATING Dont cheat.







This is a little game that has a pretty funny/creepy outcome. Dont read ahead, just do it in order. It takes about 3 minutes Its worth it.

Its kinda eerie….















First, Get a blank piece of paper and pen.















P.S. When you are asked to choose names, make sure its people you ACTUALLY KNOW, and go with your first instincts!























Scroll down one line at a time – dont read ahead or youll ruin the fun!!























1.) First, write the numbers 1 through 11 in a column.























2.) Then, beside numbers 1 and 2, write any two numbers you want.























3.) Beside the 3 and 7, write down the names of members of the opposite sex (or same sex if youre gay). Dont look ahead-or it wont turn out right.















































4.) Write anyones name (like friends or family…) in the 4th, 5th and 6th spots. Dont cheat or youll be upset that you did.















































5.) Write down four song titles in 8, 9, 10 and 11.















































6.) Finally, make a wish















































And here is the key for that game..























1.) You must tell (the number in space 2) people about this game























2.) The person in space 3 is the one that you love.























3.) The person in 7 is one you like but cant work out.























4.) You care most about the person you put in 4.























5.) The person you name in number 5 is the one who knows you very well.























6.) The person you name in 6 is your lucky star.























7.) The song in 8 is the song that matches with the person in number 3.























8.) The title in 9 is the song for the person in 7.























9.) The tenth space is the song that tells you most about your mind.























10.) And 11 is the song telling how you feel about life.

Two statisticians were travelling in an airplane from LA to New York. About an hour into the flight, the pilot announced that they had lost an engine, but dont worry, there are three left.

However, instead of 5 hours it would take 7 hours to get to New York. A little later, he announced that a second engine failed, and they still had two left, but it would take 10 hours to get to New York.

Somewhat later, the pilot again came on the intercom and announced that a third engine had died. Never fear, he announced, because the plane could fly on a single engine.

However, it would now take 18 hours to get to new York. At this point, one statistician turned to the other and said, Gee, I hope we dont lose that last engine, or well be up here forever!