17
Sep

Aussie Father

Swampy Marsh, the young Australian father-to-be, is waiting anxiously outside the maternity ward where his wife is having their first baby. He is pacing the floor when the nurse comes out and says, You have a little boy, Mr. Marsh, but you had better go out and have a cup of coffee, because there may be another one. Swampy turns a little pale and leaves.

Some time later he phones the hospital and is told that he the father of twins, but the nurse cautions, There is another on the way, so call back later.

At that Swampy decides that coffee is not strong enough, so he goes to a bar and has some beer. When he phones the hospital again he is told that the third baby has arrived and a fourth is on the way. White-faced, he stumbles to the bar and orders a double scotch.

Twenty minutes later, he tries to phone again, but he is so drunk that he dials the wrong number and gets the recorded cricket game score. When they pick him up off the floor the recording is still going strong: The score is ninety-six all out, says the voice, and the last one was a duck.

17
Sep

Se encuentra el Presidente de

Se encuentra el Presidente de la República con tres bellas damas en una discoteca: una pelirroja, una rubia y una morena. Sentándose junto a ellas, se dirige a la pelirroja:

Soy el Presidente de la República, ¿cuánto me cobraría por pasar una noche conmigo?

A usted, Sr. Presidente, le cuesta $2000, responde ruborizada la pelirroja.

Luego le hizo la misma pregunta a la rubia y ésta le respondió:

A usted, Sr. Presidente, le cuesta $1000.

Al mirar a la morena y hacerle la misma pregunta, ésta contesta:

Sr. Presidente, si usted puede levantar mi falda tan alto como están los impuestos; bajarme los calzones tan bajos como están los sueldos; sacar esa cosa suya y ponerla tan dura como está la vida; mantenerla tan alta como están los precios de los víveres y cogerme de esa forma tan dulce y delicada como usted se está cogiendo al pueblo, a usted, Sr. Presidente… ¡No le cuesta nada!

17
Sep

Ready for some Football?

An old man and his wife have gone to bed.

After laying there a few minutes the old man farts and says,Seven Points.



His wife rolls over and says, What in the world was that?

The old man replied, Its fart football!



A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says –

Touchdown, tie score!



After about five minutes the old man farts again and says –

Touchdown, Im ahead 14 to 7!



Not to be out done the wife rips another one and says, –

Touchdown, tie score!

Five seconds go by and she lets out a squeaker and says –

Fieldgoal, I lead 17 to 14!



Now the pressures on and the old man refuses to get beat by a woman so he strains real hard but to no avail. Realizing a defeat is totally unacceptable he gives it everything he has but instead of farting he poops the bed.



The wife looks and says, What the heck was that?



The old man replied, Half-time, Switch sides!

17
Sep

Cowboy Boots

He walks into their room and says to his wife, Notice anything different, Bessie?

Bessie looks him over, Nope.

Sam says excitedly, Come on,Bessie, take a good look. Notice anything different about me?

Bessie looks again, Nope.

Frustrated, Sam storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for his boots. Again, he asks, a little louder this time, Notice anything DIFFERENT?

Bessie looks up and says, Sam, whatdifferent? Its hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, itll be hanging down again tomorrow.

Furious, Sam yells, AND DO YOU KNOW WHY ITS HANGING DOWN,BESSIE? ITS HANGING DOWN BECAUSE ITS LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!

To which Bessie replies, Shoulda bought a hat, Sam. Shoulda bought a hat!

17
Sep

Top ten of silliest questions asked on a cruise ship

Top Ten of Silliest Questions asked on a Cruise Ship

by Paul Grayson, Cruise Director for the Royal Caribbean Cruise Lines

Do these steps go up or down?
What do you do with the beautiful ice carvings after they melt?
Which elevator do I take to get to the front of the ship?
Does the crew sleep on the ship?
Is this island completely surrounded by water?
Does the ship make its own electricity?
Is it salt water in the toilets?
What elevation are we at?
Theres a photographer on board who takes photos and displays them the next day … the question asked … If the pictures arent marked, how will I know which ones are mine?
What time is the Midnight Buffet being served?

17
Sep

Shit Happens

In various world religions

Protestantism
If shit happens, it happens to someone else.

If shit happens, praise the lord for it!

Catholicism
If shit happens, you deserved it.

You were born shit, you are shit, and youll die shit.

Lutheranism
Shit happens, but as long as youre sorry, its OK.

Judaism
Why does shit always happen to US?

Why does shit always happen just before closing the deal?

Islam
If shit happens, it is the will of Allah.

We dont take any shit.

Buddhism
If shit happens, it isnt really shit.

If shit happens, it isnt really happening TO anyone.

Shit will happen again to you next time.

Only he who totally gives up the desire for shit will have salvation.

Joke found on http://www.avaruusmies.com

17
Sep

Osama Bin Laden e-mail addresses

DirtyBeard1@aol.com
Osama@dustytent.org
Osama182@harvard.edu
Camel69@TooHot.org
obinladen@saddamhussein.com
OBL-OBGYN@CNN.TV
bigo@peterjennings.net
TARGTME@SOFKED.AFG
Slayer@Anthrax-Fan-Club.com
binny@NAMABLA.ORG

(c) Daily Wonk Lists 2001

17
Sep

Who doesnt know benny?

A guy named Benny is sitting in a bar mouthing off that he knows everybody. So his buddy bets $10 the next person to walk in the bar didnt know him. Somebody walks in the bar and says Hey Benny whats up? so the guy then bets him $100 he doesnt know the first person they see outside walking down the street. So they go outside and see some coming up to the bar and says Hey Benny how are things going?. Flustered the guy bets him $500 he doesnt know the President. So they drive up to the white house and the security guard says Benny you know you cant just show up here like this. Then a limo pulls up with the president in it and he rolls down the window and says Hey Benny how have you been? So then he bets him $1000 he doesnt know the Pope. So they take a plane down to Rome and he says Ok now watch up there on that balcony Im gonna come out there with the Pope. So he goes up there and looks down to see his friend pass out. He goes down there and says Are you that surprised that I know the Pope? he goes No somebody walked behind me and said whos that guy up there with Benny!

17
Sep

bible

yo momma is so fat…………………when she sat on the bible mosess came out and said let my people go!!!!!!!!!!!

17
Sep

1. You reuse last years

1. You reuse last years Christmas cards and send them out under your own name. (5 points)

2. You steal light bulbs from you neighbors outdoor display to replenish your own supply. (5 points, 10 if neighbors whole light sets or lighted Santa goes out)

3. You have dressed a dog or cat as Santa Claus, elf helper, or reindeer. (10 points for each; if you dressed an endangered species, 5 extra points)

4. You put out last years stale candy canes for children. (1 point for each piece of sticky candy. If you put out a chocolate or marzipan Santa also, add 10 points.)

5. You enclose a shoddy and inferior gift from Target, Walmart, or K-Mart in a Bloomingdales or other prestige box to impress your friends. (5 points for each infraction).

6. You make collect long distance phone calls to your family on Christmas day. (5 points, 10 if from a cell phone), claiming you are stuck in a phone booth.

7. At the office Christmas party, you horde huge stockpiles of goodies for later consumption at home. (5 points; 15 points if you use this stuff for your own party)

8. You steal the wreath from a parked car to use on your own [Southern California only, others ignore]. (5 points — nobody but Angelenos are dumb enough to dress a car)

9. After an invitation to a friends house, you bring a commercially produced fruitcake and try to pass it off as home made. (5 points; 15 points if the fruitcake is from last year).

10. Any stealing from the Toys-for-Tots collection bins is a definite no-no. (20 points)

Evaluate your score on the Grinch Scale from 20 to 100.

20-30: You are just a cheeseball.

30-50: You are an apprentice in Yuletide larceny and are probably wanted by the police for overdue parking tickets.

50-100: Grinch, move over. The Meyer Lansky of Christmas crime has arrived.