Old and New Jokes

Q: How many East Carolina University students does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Just one, but it takes six years!!

Everything is actually everything else, just recycled.

What is the difference between a black guy and a pizza?

A pizza can feed a family of four!!!

What is it called when 3 little boys are in the middle of Micheal Jacksons Pool?

There wore two jews on the Titanic. They were named Moshe and Jankele. Both of them survived. In the saving boat, Moshe cried and cried. To be friendly to him Jankele said:


Why are you crying? The boat wasnt yours.

A man bought a new Mercedes to celebrate his wife leaving him and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive.

The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.

Theres no way they can catch a Mercedes, he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100…..Then the reality of the situation hit him. What am I doing? he thought and pulled over.

The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car.

Its been a long hard day, this is the end of my shift and its Friday the 13th. I dont feel like more paperwork, I dont need the frustration or the overtime, so if you can give me a really good excuse for your driving that I havent heard before, you can go.

The guy thinks about it for a second and says, Last week my nagging wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!

Have a nice weekend, said the officer.

Once, a gay man went to heaven. At the Great Gate, Saint Peter was waiting for him. After rewieving his records Saint Pete decided to let him in. Follow me he said, opening the gate and walking in.

After some walk, Saint Petes keys accidentally fell on the ground. Unaware, he bent over to pick up the keys. That was something the gay man just couldnt resist, so he jumped on him and did his thing.

Saint Pete was furious.

If you do that again, Youll go straight to hell! But follow me, were almost there.

After some more walk, Pete dropped his keys again, and again, the gay man jumped on him. Saint Pete was even more furious than before, but decided to give the gay guy one last chance.

Again they walk and for the third time Pete drops his keys, so he bends over and picks them up. The gay guy, having no self control jumps on him. Pete is now fed up and sends the gay guy straight to hell.

A few weeks later, Saint Pete goes down to hell for his routine inspection, but this time something is wrong, it is freezing, no fire, no lava and in one corner, he finds the devil lying under a stack of blankets freezing his ass of.

Why is it so god damn cold down here? Pete asks.

Well you just try bending down for firewood!! The devil replied.

An old man and woman were married for years, even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screams and yelling could be heard deep into the night. A constant statement was heard by the neighbors who feared the man the most: When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!

The neightbors believed he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs and strange sounds at all hours. He was feared and enjoyed it.

Then the man died abruptly under strange circumstances and the funeral had a closed casket. After the burial, the wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow. Her neighbors approached in a group to ask if she wasnt worried about this man who practiced black magic and swore he would dig his out of the grave to come back and haunt her for the rest of her life?

The wife put down her drink and said, Let the old guy dig. I had him buried upside down.

Q. Did you hear about Delta Burkes tragic suicide attempt?
A. She tried to harpoon herself.

Finagles Law Of Military Superiority: The bigger they are, the harder they hit.