Old and New Jokes

Q: Why do blondes wear hoop earings?

A: They have to have some place to rest their ankles.

Q: What does a blonde put behind her ears to make her more attractive?

A: Her ankles.

Q: Whats the difference between a pit bull and a blonde with PMS?

A: Lipstick.

Q: Why do blondes wear green lipstick?

A: Because red means stop.

Q: Why do blondes wear red lipstick?

A: Because red means Stop, wrong hole.

Q: Why dont blondes use vibrators?

A: They chip their teeth.

Q: Why do blondes have little holes all over their faces?

A: From eating with forks.

Q: Why do blondes wear panties?

A: They make good ankle warmers.

Q: Why dont blondes in San Francisco wear short black mini skirts?

A: Cause their balls show!

Q: What do blondes do for foreplay?

A: Remove their underwear.

Q: Whats the mating call of the blonde?

A: Im *sooo* drunk!

Q: What is the mating call of the ugly blonde?

A: (Screaming) I said: Im drunk!

Q: Whats the mating call of the brunette?

A: All the blondes have gone home!

Q: Whats a brunettes mating call ?

A: Has that blonde gone yet?

Q: Whats the mating call of the redhead?

A: Next!

Q: Why do Blondes like the GST? (GST — Goods and Services Tax now in effect in Canada)

A: Because they can spell it.

Q: What is 74 to a blonde?

A: 69 plus G.S.T.

Q: Why do Blondes have TGIF on their shoes?

A: Toes go in first.

Q: Why do Blondes have TGIF on their shirts?

A: Tits go in front.

Q: What do you say to a Blonde that wont give in?

A: Have another beer.

Two guys are bungee-jumping one day. The first guy says to the second. You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in Mexico.

The second guy thinks this is a great idea, so the two pool their money and buy everything theyll need – a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc.

They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work.

The first guy jumps. He bounces at the end of the cord, but when he comes back up, the second guy notices that he has a few cuts and scratches. Unfortunately, the second guy isnt able catch him, he falls again, bounces and comes back up again.

This time, he is bruised and bleeding. Again, the second guy misses him. The first guy falls again and bounces back up. This time, he comes back pretty messed up – hes got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious.

Luckily, the second guy finally catches him this time and says, What happened? Was the cord too long?

The first guy says, No, the cord was fine, but what the heck is a pinata?

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Cathy!
Cathyl who?
Cathy the the doorbell, its too dark out here!

ADA: A Dumb Arrangement
ADA: A Dumb Acronym
ADA: A Dumb Annoyance

BASIC: Boring And Shamelessly Idiotic Coders
BASIC: Badly Assembled, Severely Illogical Code
BASIC: Beginners Algorithms for Seemingly Infinite Confusion

C: Crud
C: Confusing

COBOL: Completly Outdated, Badly Overused Language
COBOL: Completly Overused, Badly Outdated Language
COBOL: Cowards Only Buy Outdated Languages
COBOL: Cowards Only Build Outdated Languages
COBOL: Crap Operated By Obsessed lunatics
COBOL: Crap Often Bothers Our Lethargy
COBOL: Crap Ostracized By Our Loathing
COBOL: Compiles Only Because Of Luck
COBOL: Cumbersome, Overdone, Badly Organized Language
COBOL: Coded Only By Obsessed Lunatics

FORTRAN: Files Only Run Through Right At Never-neverland

LISP: Lots of Insanely Stupid Parentheses
LISP: Lots of Irritating Superfluous Parentheses

PASCAL: Programmers Against Structured Code And Language

A man was walking down the street with a baby ape in his arms when a friend stopped him and asked what he was doing with the chimp.

I just bought this ape as a pet. We have no children; so hes going to live with us just like one of the family.

Hell eat at the same table with us. Hell even sleep in the same bed with me and my wife.

But what about the smell? the friend asked.

Oh, hell just have to get used to it, the same way I did.

In the beginning was the Plan.



And then came the Assumptions.



And the Assumptions were without form.



And the Plan was without substance.



And darkness was upon the face of the Workers.



And the workers spoke among themselves, saying, This is crock of shit, and it stinks.



And the Workers went unto their Supervisors and said, It is a pail of dung, and we cant live with the smell.



And the Supervisors went unto their Managers, saying, It is a container of excrement, and it is very strong, such that none may abide by it.



And the Managers went unto their Directors, saying, It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide its strength.



And the Directors spoke among themselves, saying to one another, It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong.



And the Directors went to the Vice Presidents, saying unto them, It promotes growth, and it is very powerful..



And the Vice Presidents went to the President, saying unto him, This new plan will actively promote the growth and vigor of the company with very powerful effects.



And the President looked upon the Plan and saw that it was good.



And the Plan became Policy.



And that, my friends, is how shit happens.

Two friends, Bob and John were discussing sex before marriage.

John: I didnt sleep with my wife before we were married, did you?

Bob: Ahhhh….Im not sure. What was your wifes maiden name?

Q: Why did the blonde drive into the ditch?

A: To turn the blinker off.

On the way home from the party, the woman said to her husband, Have I ever told you how handsome and sexy and irresistible to women you are?

Why no, said the husband, flattered.

Then what the hell gave you that idea at the party?! she yelled.

A: Trying to hold on to a thought.