Old and New Jokes

If your mother is a washing machine and your father is a competative hot dog eater, what are you?



NO! because dog houses cant fly!

REASONS TO BE A CHEMIST

– All the coffee and pocket protectors you could want!

– Clark Kent style safety glasses

.- Exposure to all kinds of toxic and cancerous substances.

– The opportunity to deal with irate clients asking where are my results?

– Because its pHun 🙂

– Access to 100% pure ethanol

– Knowing how to completely dissolve the bodies of your enemies

– You never have to worry about what youre doing on Friday night (Youre working in the lab)

– Permanent goggle marks cheaper than a tattoo.

– You wish to be blamed for all faults in the environment.

– ditto for cancer

– You are adept at poverty cooking

– You prefer to get your course credits the hard way

Marriage counselor to female client: Maybe your problem is that youve been waking up grumpy every morning.

Client: No, I always let him sleep.

A man walks into a bar, sits down on a bench and orders a cold one. He swigs down the beer, looks in his pocket, cringes and orders another. He gulps down that one, looks in his pocket again, cringes and orders yet another one. This goes on for at least an hour and a half.
Finally the bartender, bursting with curiousity, says, "I know its none of my business buddy, but I have to ask. Why the whole "drink, look in pocket, cringe and order another one" routine?"
"Well," slurred the man, "Theres a picture of my wife in my pocket. When she starts to look good, then its time for me to go home."

A bum got on a subway car. He smelled of cheap women and cheap wine. He was
dirty and had a porno magazine in his pocket. When he got in he sat down next
to a priest and started reading the newspaper. After a few minutes, he asked
the priest how a person got arthritis. The priest replied that you got
arthritis by drinking too much, being with cheap women, not washing and
reading smut. The bum said oh, okay. After a few minutes, the priest started
to feel guilty and turned to the bum and apologized for snapping at him and
asked him why he wanted to know. The bum said that he read that the Pope had
arthritis.

A Sioux woman and her husband interrupted their vacation to go to the dentist. I want a tooth pulled, and I dont want any pain killers because Im in a big hurry, the Sioux woman said. Just extract the tooth as quickly as possible, and well be on our way.

The dentist was quite impressed. Youre certainly a courageous woman, he said. Which tooth is it?

The Sioux woman turned to her husband and said, Show him your tooth, dear.

TO: ALL PERSONNEL

FROM: ACCOUNTING

It has come to our attention recently that many of you have been turning in timesheets that specify large amounts of Miscellaneous Unproductive Time (Code 5309). To our department, unproductive time isnt a problem. What is a problem, however, is not knowing exactly what you are doing during your unproductive time. Attached below is a sheet specifying a tentative extended job code list based on our observations of employee activities.

The list will allow you to specify with a fair amount of precision what you are doing during your unproductive time. Please begin using this job code list immediately and let us know about any difficulties you encounter.

Thank you,

Accounting.

Attached: Extended Job Code List

Code Number
———-Explanation
———-
5316Useless Meeting
5317Obstructing Communications at Meeting
5318Trying to Sound Knowledgeable While in Meeting
5319Waiting for Break
5320Waiting for Lunch
5321Waiting for End of Day
5322Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Coworker
5323Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Coworker While Coworker is Not Present
5393Covering for Incompetence of Coworker Friend
5400Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who is Not Interested in Learning
5401Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who is Stupid
5402Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who Hates You
5481Buying Snack
5482Eating Snack
5500Filling Out Timesheet
5501Inventing Timesheet Entries
5502Waiting for Something to Happen
5503Scratching Yourself
5504Sleeping
5510Feeling Bored
5511Feeling Horny
5600Complaining About Lousy Job
5601Complaining About Low Pay
5602Complaining About Long Hours
5603Complaining About Coworker (See Codes #5322 & #5323)
5604Complaining About Boss
5605Complaining About Personal Problems
5640Miscellaneous Unproductive Complaining
5701Not Actually Present At Job
5702Suffering From Eight-Hour Flu
6102Ordering Out
6103Waiting for Food Delivery to Arrive
6104Taking It Easy While Digesting Food
6200Using Company Resources for Personal Profit
6201Stealing Company Goods
6202Making Excuses After Accidentally Destroying Company Goods
6203Using Company Phone to Make Long-Distance Personal Calls
6204Using Company Phone to Make Long-Distance Personal Calls to Sell Stolen Company Goods
6205Hiding from Boss
6206Gossip
6207Planning a Social Event (e.g. vacation, wedding, etc.)
6210Feeling Sorry For Yourself
6211Updating Resume
6212Faxing Resume to Another Employer/Headhunter
6213Out of Office on Interview
6221Pretending to Work While Boss Is Watching
6222Pretending to Enjoy Your Job
6223Pretending You Like Coworker
6224Pretending You Like Important People When in Reality They are Jerks
6238Miscellaneous Unproductive Fantasizing
6350Playing Pranks on the New Guy/Girl
6601Running your own Business on Company Time (See Code #6603)
6602Complaining
6603Writing a Book on Company Time
6611Staring Into Space
6612Staring At Computer Screen
6615Transcendental Meditation
7281Extended Visit to the Bathroom (at least 10 minutes)
7400Talking With Divorce Lawyer on Phone
7401Talking With Plumber on Phone
7402Talking With Dentist on Phone
7403Talking With Doctor on Phone
7404Talking With Masseuse on Phone
7405Talking With House Painter on Phone
7406Talking With Personal Therapist on Phone
7419Talking With Miscellaneous Paid Professional on Phone
7425Talking With Mistress/Boy-Toy on Phone
7931Asking Coworker to Aid You in an Illicit Activity
8000Recreational Drug Use
8001Non-recreational Drug Use
8002Liquid Lunch
8100Reading e-mail

As the following classified classics will demonstrate, there are often more laughs on the advertising and classified pages than you can find in the cartoons and comic strips:

Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.

A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms.

Dinner Special — Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.

For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

For sale: a quilted high chair that can be made into a table, pottie chair, rocking horse, refrigerator, spring coat, size 8 and fur collar.

Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.

Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.

Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.

Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.

We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.

No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle spray will make it really repellent.

For Sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.

For Sale — Eight puppies from a German Shepperd and an Alaskan Hussy.

Creative daily specials, including select offerings of beef, foul, fresh vegetables, salads, quiche.

7 ounces of choice sirloin steak, boiled to your likeness and smothered with golden fried onion rings.

Great Dames for sale.

Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.

Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.

20 dozen bottles of excellent Old Tawny Port, sold to pay for charges, the owner having lost sight of, and bottled by us last year.

Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.

If you think youve seen everything in Paris, visit the Pere Lachasis Cemetery. It boasts such immortals as Moliere, Jean de la Fontain, and Chopin.

Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in.

The hotel has bowling alleys, tennis courts, comfortable beds, and other athletic facilities.

Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours.

Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.

Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else.

Stock up and save. Limit: one.

Save regularly in our bank. Youll never regret it.

We build bodies that last a lifetime.

Offer expires December 31 or while supplies last.

This is the model home for your future. It was panned by Better Homes and Gardens.

For Sale–Diamonds $20; microscopes $15.

For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.

Man, honest. Will take anything.

Wanted: chambermaid in rectory. Love in, $200 a month. References required.

Wanted: Part-time married girls for soda fountain in sandwich shop.

Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.

Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!

Christmas tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.

Modular Sofas. Only $299. For rest or fore play.

Wanted: Hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential.

Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.

3-year-old teacher need for pre-school. Experience preferred.

Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.

Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.

Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, youll never go anywhere again.

See ladies blouses. 50% off!

Holcross pullets. Starting to lay Betty Clayton, Granite 5-6204.

Wanted: Preparer of food. Must be dependable, like the food business, and be willing to get hands dirty.

Illiterate? Write today for free help.

Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.

Wanted. Widower with school-age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.

Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.

Mothers helper–peasant working conditions.

Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.

And now, the Superstore–unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.

We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00. And these beauties from the radio:

Ladies and gentlemen, now you can have a bikini for a ridiculous figure.

Be with us again next Saturday at 10 p.m. for High Fidelity, designed to help music lovers increase their reproduction.

When you are thirsty, try 7-Up,the refreshing drink in the green bottle with the big 7 on it and u-p after.

Tune in next week for another series of classical music programs from the Canadian Broadcorping Castration.

A
small zoo in Alabama acquires a rare gorilla, who quickly
becomes agitated. The zookeeper determines that the
female ape is in heat, but there are no male apes available
for mating.
The zookeeper approaches a redneck janitor with a
proposition. “Would you be willing to have sex
with this gorilla for $500?” he asks.
The janitor accepts the offer, but only on three
conditions: “First, I don’t want to have
to kiss her. And second, you can never tell anyone
about this.” The zookeeper agrees to the conditions
and asks about the third.
“Well,” says the janitor, “I’m
gonna need another week to come up with the $500.”

An African hunter wandered into a cannibal village and saw a menu quoting price of $5 for Italians, $10 for Irishmen, $15 for Germans, $20 for Frenchmen and $100 for hillbillies.

The hunter told the cannibal chief prices were way too high for hillbillies.

Oh yeah, said the chief, you ever try to clean one of them?