This is an actual jobapplication someone submitted at a fast-food establishment… NAME: Greg Bulmash DESIRED POSITION: Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatevers available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldnt be applying here in the first place. DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If thats not possible, make an offer and we can haggle. EDUCATION: Yes. LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility. SALARY: Less than Im worth. MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes. REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked. HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any. PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday. DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but theyre better suited to a more intimate environment. MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here? DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what? DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?" HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes. DO YOU SMOKE?: Only when set on fire. WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy super model who thinks Im the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, Id like to be doing that now. DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: No, but I dare you to prove otherwise. SIGN HERE: Scorpio with Libra rising.
You know you married a redneck when she fills out her family reunion name tag, “Four for a Dollar.”
You might be a redneck if you sell your car for gas money.
In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.
On Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping.
(Gee, thats the only time I have to work on my hair)
On a bag of Fritos: You could be winner! No purchase necessary.Details inside.
(Evidently, the shoplifter special)
On a bar of Dial soap: Directions: Use like regular soap.
(And that would be how … ?)
On some Swanson frozen dinners: Serving suggestions: Defrost.
(But its *just* a suggestion)
On Tescos Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of box) Do not turn upside down.
(Oops, too late!)
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: Product will be hot after heating.
(As night follows the day …)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron: Do not iron clothes on body.
(But wouldnt this save even more time?)
On Boots Childrens Cough Medicine: Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication.
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with colds off those forklifts.)
On Nytol Sleep Aid: Warning: May cause drowsiness.
(One would hope)
On most brands of Christmas lights: For indoor or outdoor use only.
(As opposed to what?)
On a Japanese food processor: Not to be used for the other use.
(I gotta admit, Im curious)
On Sainsburys peanuts: Warning: Contains nuts.
(NEWS FLASH,Hello!)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts: Instructions: Open packet,eat nuts.
(Step 3: Fly Delta)
On a childs Superman costume: Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.
(I dont blame the company, I blame parents for this one)
On a Swedish chain saw: Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.
(Was there a chance of this happening somewhere?)
A sex therapist was doing research at the local college when one of the male volunteers told him, When I get it in part way, my vision blurs. And when I get it all the way in, I cant see a thing.
Hmmm…thats an interesting optical reaction to sex, said the researcher. Would you mind if I had a look at it?
So the volunteer stuck out his tongue!
A
blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist
for a bottom deodorant. "Sorry, we dont sell bottom
deodorant" the pharmacist replies, struggling to
keep from laughing.
"But I always buy it here", the blonde
says. "I bought one last month". Thinking
quickly, the pharmacist suggests, " I dont know
what you bought before, may be you can bring in the
empty container next time". "Sure",
the blonde replies. "Ill bring it with me tomorrow"
The next day, the blonde walks into the shop again
and hands the pharmacist an almost empty deodorant
stick. "This is just a normal deodorant",
the pharmacist tells the blonde, "You use it
under your arms".
"No, it is not", the blonde answers, "it
says so here: To apply, push up bottom".
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Ivory!
Ivory who?
Ivory strong like Tarzan!
Seems there were these three professionals sitting around talking about the oldest profession (not THAT one!).
The Doctor says, Well, the Bible says that God took a rib out of Adam to make woman. Since that clearly required surgery, then the oldest profession is surely medicine.
The Engineer shakes his head and replies, No, no. The Bible also says that God created the world out of void and chaos. To do that, God must surely have been an engineer. Therefore, Engineering is the oldest profession.
The Lawyer smiles smugly and leans discreetly forward. Ah, he says, but who do you think created the Chaos?
Juan y MarÃa han sido novios desde la secundaria pero nunca han hecho el amor.
Tenemos que esperar a que nos casemos, sugiere la chica.
Asà que él espera. Tienen 3 años de compromiso y, finalmente, el gran dÃa llega. Pero, en la noche de bodas MarÃa sale del baño y le informa:
Malas noticias: tengo la menstruación y no quiero que nuestra primera vez esté manchada de sangre.
Estás bromeando, dice Juan esperanzado.
Tendremos que esperar un poco más.
Y MarÃa se va a dormir. Se despierta a las 3 de la madrugada para beber algo; de regreso a la cama advierte que Juan está con los ojos totalmente abiertos mirando al techo.
Eso no sirve de nada, Juan, es mejor que te duermas.
Lo harÃa, pero mi pene está tan erecto que no queda piel suficiente para que pueda cerrar los ojos.
Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the craps table. A very attractive blonde lady comes in and wants to bet $10,000 on a single roll of the dice. And she adds, I hope you dont mind, but I feel much luckier when I m completely nude.
With that she takes off everything but her necklace and rolls the dice while yelling, Mama needs new clothes. Then she yells, YES, YES, YES!! I WON, I WON, I WON.
She begins jumping up and down and hugging both of the dealers. Then she picks up her money and her clothes and quickly leaves. The dealers just stare at each other dumbfounded. Finally one of them asks, What did she roll, anyway?
The other answers, I dont know. I thought YOU were watching.
Moral: Not all blondes are dumb.