Old and New Jokes

You should not attempt these things during an actual exam. The following is meant for entertainment purposes only.

28. Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day.

The wife says: You have to learn to communicate.
The wife means: Just agree with me.

The wife says: Are you listening to me?
The wife means: [Too late, your doomed.]

The wife says: Yes
The wife means: No

A big fat housewife is on her hands and knees, scrubbing the kitchen floor, when she suddenly yells to her husband, Come here quick, Charlie! Im paralyzed! I cant get up!

He comes in, takes a look, and says, Stand up, you silly old bat. Youre kneeling on one of your tits.

What did the ballerina do when she hurt her foot?

She called the toe truck!

Make dust or eat dust.

How many Macintosh users does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Mac users dont screw, they just click the genital icon.

Need a LIFT?

You think people should be required to get a government permit before being allowed to reproduce.

You want to slap the next person who says, Must be nice to have all your holidays and summers free.

You believe shallow gene pool should have its own box on the report card.

You believe the staff room should have a Valium salt lick.

When out in public, you feel the urge to talk to strange children and correct their behavior.

When you mention vegetables and youre not talking about a food group.

You believe in aerial spraying of Prozac.

You wonder how some parents even managed to reproduce.

You cant have children of your own, because there is no name you could give a child that wouldnt bring on high blood pressure the moment you heard it.

You really encourage an obnoxious parent to check into home schooling.

Three Nuns died and were up at outside the gates of Heaven. St. Peter was

there with them. St. Peter decided he needed to quiz each nun with a

different question to see if they really desereved to go to Heaven.

St. Peter asked the first nun, Nun, Who was the first man on earth? She

replied, That would be Adam. St. Peter let her through the gates.

St. Peter walked up to the second nun and asked her, Nun, Who was the

first woman on earth? She replied, That would be Eve. St. Peter let her

through the gates.

St. Peter walked up to the third nun and asked her, What was the last

thing that Eve told Adam before they left Paradise?

The nun was puzzled. She thought about it for a long time.

HHHHMMMM, she said aloud, Thats a hard one.

St. Peter let her through the gates.

A cop pulled over a car for swerving all over the road. The blonde at the wheel looked very confused and scared.

"Whats going on here, maam?"

"Well, I was driving along when all of a sudden there was a tree right in my path. I swerved to miss it, but there was another tree. And after that, another, and another." The cop looked inside her car and sighed.

"Maam. Thats your air freshener."