Old and New Jokes

Me voy a Acapulquito

¿A Acapulco, por qué?

Porque ahí consigues comida, chupe, faje y hasta hotel y paseo gratis.

¿Y quién te contó eso?

¡Mi hermana!

Un señor iba manejando por un desierto y ya le andaba por hacer del 2 y a medio camino se encuentra una gasolinera y dice de aquí soy, se mete al baño y se pone a cagar. Cuando termina se da cuenta que no hay papel para limpiarse y en la pared estaba un letrero que decia:

En este escusado no hay papel, si quiere límpiese con dos dedos de su mano y métalos por este hoyo y le aseguramos que una boca humana se los chupara hasta dejarlos limpios.

El señor dice: Ni madres, cómo voy a hacer eso, se me hace muy cruel y cochino para la persona que está del otro lado de la pared, mejor espero que llegue alguien para pedirle papel.

Se esperó media hora y nadie, una hora y nadie y dice: chingado, ya hubiera llegado a mi destino, pues no me queda de otra más que limpiarme así.

Se limpia con dos dedos y dice ni pedo, pobre wey el que va a limpiarme los dedos por el hoyo.

Y del otro lado de la pared ya estaba una persona esperándolo con un ladrillo en cada mano y ¡madres! le machuca los dos dedos al señor. Este grita ¡haaaaa! y en chinga se mete los dedos a la boca y se los chupa el solito hasta dejarlos bien limpios.

If you have a lot of tension and you get headaches, do what it says on the aspirin bottle:

Take two and keep away from children.

A kid is walking around his house when he sees his dad watching a football game. The team his dad wants to win is losing, so out of anger, he yells, CMON YOU BASTARDS, JUST SCORE A TOUCHDOWN!!

The kid doesnt know what bastards are, so he says, Daddy, what does bastards mean?



His dad didnt want to admit to his son that he had cursed, so he said, Umm, it means, umm, uh, boys. Yeah, it means boys.



Then he walks into the room across the hall and sees his mom watching womens basketball. His moms team is losing, so she says, CMON YOU BITCHES, JUST SCORE A BASKET!!



The kid doesnt know what that means either, so he says, Mommy, what does bitches mean?



The mom says, Umm, it means, umm, uh, girls. Yeah, thats what it means, girls.



So the next day, the kids dad walks in from work and puts his coat on a coat rack. Because of his stupidity, the kids dad pokes his eye on the coat rack and yells, OH DICK!!



The kid comes up to his dad and says, Daddy, what does dick mean?



The dad says, It means, umm, uh, coat. Yeah, it means coat.



So then the kid walks into the kitchen where his mom is painting. She accidentally leans over her painting too far, and her hat falls off her head and gets smothered with paint. She yells, OH PUSSY!!



The kid says, Mommy, what does pussy mean?



The mom says, umm, it means, uhh, umm, hat. Yeah, thats what it means, hat.



So then, the kid walks upstairs to his parents room, where his dad is taking a shower. But his dad accidentally slips on a bar of soap and yells, OH SCREW!!



The kid walks up to him and says, Daddy, what does screw mean?



The dad says, Umm, uh, it means, uhh, cleaning. Yeah, cleaning.



So then he walks downstairs and sees his mom cutting turkey for dinner that night. She accidentally cuts herself and yells, OH FUCK!!



The kid says, Mommy, what does fuck mean?



His mom says, It means, umm, uh, cutting. Yeah, cutting.



So then some friends come over for dinner. The kid opens the door and says, Welcome bitches and bastards. May I take your dicks and pussys? If youd like to see my parents, my dad is upstairs screwing himself and my mom is in the kitchen fucking the turkey.

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.

36. Leave a marble in your roommates bed every day.

q. What happened to the mouse when it crawled up the ladys leg?

a. Her pussy got it.

A pissed off wife was complaining about her husband spending all his time at the pub, so one night he took her along.



Whatll ya have? he asked.



Oh, I dont know. The same as you I suppose, she replied.



So the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniels and threw his down in one go. His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spat it out.



Yuck, its nasty poison! she spluttered. I dont know how you can drink this stuff!



Well, there you go, cried the husband. And you think Im out enjoying myself every night!

This guy comes home from work one day to find his dog with the neighbors pet rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit is dead and the guy panics. He thinks the neighbor is going to hate him forever, so he takes the dirty, chewed up rabbit into the house and gives it a bath, blow dries its fur and puts the rabbit back into the cage at the neighbors house, hoping they will think it died of natural causes.

A few days later, the neighbor is outside and asks the guy, Did you hear that Fluffy died?. The guy stumbles around and says, Um.. er.. no.. what happened?. The neighbor replies, We just found him dead in his cage one day. But the weird thing is that the day after we buried him we went outside and someone had dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage. There must be some real sick people out there!

A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:

———————————

Cheese Sandwich $ 1.50

Chicken Sandwich $ 2.50

Hand Job $10.00

———————————

Checking his wallet he finds one single ten dollar bill.

He walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men.

Yes? she inquires with a knowing smile, can I help you?

I was wondering, whispers the man, are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?

Yes, she purrs, indeed I am!

The man replies Well go wash your hands, I want a cheese sandwich!

A lawyers car stalled on the side of the freeway. As he was getting out to see what was the matter, a reckless driver swerved taking off the whole car door and knocking the lawyer to the ground. A passing police car pulled over.

As the policeman got out he heard the lawyer shouting, my mercedes, my brand new mercedes! As the policeman approached he was shocked to notice the lawyers right arm missing.

Do you realize your arm is gone? asked the policeman?

The lawyer, stunned, began to scream,

My rolex, my brand new rolex!