Old and New Jokes

How do you make a Blonde laugh on saturday?

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy whos dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.

Saint Peter addresses this guy, Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?

The guy replies, Im Joe Cohen, taxi-driver, of Noo Yawk City.

Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi-driver, Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven.

The taxi-driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and its the ministers turn. He stands erect and booms out, I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Marys for the last forty-three years.

Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven.

Just a minute, says the minister. That man was a taxi-driver, and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?

Up here, we work by results, says Saint Peter. While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed.

10. The complimentary paper tells you that President Kennedy has died. 9. The mint on the pillow starts moving when you come close to it. 8. The magic fingers vibration is supplied by giving a quarter to the town epileptic. 7. There is still some stuff that they put around crime scenes that is yellow 6. The pictures are not placed for decoration but to cover up recent bullet holes. 5. You have to wait until the guy next door is done with the towel so you can use it. 4. Theres a chalk outline in the bed when you pull back the covers. 3. The desk clerk has to move the body in order to get some ice for you. 2. The only TV station you can get is a porno channel with Roseanne on it. 1. The wake up call comes courtesy of police helicopter.

A husband and wife were sitting at the breakfast table and the man was reading the ads in the paper. He looked up and said, Here is a great sale on tires!

His wife replied, What do you want tires for? You dont have a car.

He came back with, I dont complain when you go out and buy a new bra!

A brain tumor

Jon came home in great excitement and said to his wife, Judi, my love, youll never believe it, dear, but Ive discovered an entirely new position for lovemaking.

Really, she said, interested at once. What is it?

Back to back, Jon replies.

But thats crazy. We cant do anything back to back.

Yes, we can, he says. Ive persuaded another couple to help out!

ftom a Crazie Site, http://crazie.net/

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Aladdin!
Aladdin who?
Aladdin the street wants a word with you!

Q: How many LP player users does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One, but the old bulb keeps getting stuck… getting stuck… getting stuck…

What is a brunette between two blondes? An interpreter.

Bill Gates dies and goes to hell.

Satan greets him: Welcome Mr. Gates, weve been waiting for you. This will be your home for all eternity. Youve been selfish, greedy and a big liar all your life. Now, since youve got me in a good mood, Ill be generous and give you a choice of three places in which youll be locked up forever.



Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are tormented and tortured. He then takes him to a massive coliseum where thousands of people are chased about and devoured by starving lions.



Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a Beautiful young blonde with an alluring look on her face, sitting at a table on which there is a bottle of the finest wine. To Bills delight, he sees a PC in the corner. Without hesitation, Bill says, Ill take this option.



Fine, says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room. Satan locks the room after Bill. As he turns around, he bumps into Lucifer.



That was Bill Gates! cried Lucifer. Why did you give him the best place of all!



Thats what everyone thinks, snickered Satan. The bottle has a hole in it and the girl hasnt…



What about the PC?



Its got Windows 95! laughed Satan. And its missing three keys.



Which three?



Control, Alt and Delete.