Old and New Jokes

A farmer named Muldoon lived alone in the countryside with a pet dog which he loved and doted on. After many long years of companionship, the dog finally died so Muldoon went to the parish priest:

Father, my dear old dog is dead. Could you be saying a mass for the creature?



Father Patrick replied, I am so very sorry to hear about your dogs death. But, unfortunately we cannot have services for an animal in the church. However, theres a new denomination down the road, no telling what they believe, but maybe theyll do something for the animal.



Muldoon said, Ill go right now. Do you think $500 is enough to donate for the service?



Father Patrick: Why didnt you tell me the dog was Catholic?!

Your so poor,when i rang the doorbell.



You stuck your head out the window and saidding dong.

If at first you dont succeed, redefine success.

I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center.

Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital.

She calmed down, and at the end of the conversation she happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter in to the ER right away.

Sign seen in a bar:

Those drinking to forget please pay in advance.

Howard had felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldnt. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.

But every once in a while hed hear that soothing voice trying to reassure him, Howard, dont worry about it. You arent the first doctor to sleep with one of his patients, and you wont be the last.

But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality, Howard, youre a veterinarian.

From: http://www.geocities.com/jenneaux/

Q: How many Pentium designers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: 1.99904274017, but thats close enough for non-technical people.

Q: What do you get when you cross a Pentium PC with a research grant?

A: A mad scientist.

Q: Whats another name for the Intel Inside sticker they put on Pentiums?

A: The warning label.

Q: What do you call a series of FDIV instructions on a Pentium?

A: Successive approximations.

Q: Complete the following word analogy: Add is to Subtract as Multiply is to:

Divide

ROUND

RANDOM

On a Pentium, all of the above

A: Number 4.

Q: What algorithm did Intel use in the Pentiums floating point divider?

A: Life is like a box of chocolates. (Source: F. Gump of Intel)

Q: Why didnt Intel call the Pentium the 586?

A: Because they added 486 and 100 on the first Pentium and got 585.999983605.

Q: According to Intel, the Pentium conforms to the IEEE standards 754 and 854 for floating point arithmetic. If you fly in aircraft designed using a Pentium, what is the correct pronunciation of IEEE?

A: Aaaaaaaiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeeeee!

ARKANSAS STATE RESIDENCY APPLICATION Name: ________________ (_) Billy-Bob (last) (_) Billy-Joe (_) Billy-Ray (_) Billy-Sue (_) Billy-Mae (_) Billy-Jack (_) Billy-Jefferson (Check appropriate box)
Age: ____ Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ N/A
Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right
Occupation: (_)Farmer (_)Mechanic (_)Hair Dresser (_)Un-employed
Spouses Name: __________________________
Relationship with spouse: (_) Sister (_) Brother (_) Aunt (_) Uncle (_) Cousin (_) Mother (_) Father (_) Son (_) Daughter (_) Pet
Number of children living in household: ___ Number that are yours: ___
Mothers Name: _______________________ Fathers Name: _______________________ (If not sure, leave blank)
Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)
Do you (_)own or (_)rent your mobile home? (Check appropriate box)
___ Total number of vehicles you own ___ Number of vehicles that still crank ___ Number of vehicles in front yard ___ Number of vehicles in back yard ___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks
Firearms you own and where you keep them: ____ truck ____ bedroom ____ bathroom ____ kitchen ____ shed
Model and year of your pickup: ___________194_
Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to: (_)The National Enquirer (_)The Globe (_)TV Guide (_)Soap Opera Digest
___ Number of times youve seen a UFO ___ Number of times youve seen Elvis ___ Number of times youve seen Elvis in a UFO
How often do you bathe: (_)Weekly (_)Monthly (_)Not Applicable Color of teeth: (_)Yellow (_)Brownish-Yellow (_)Brown (_)Black (_)N/A
Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer: (_)Red-Man
How far is your home from a paved road? (_)1 mile (_)2 miles (_)dont know

A man was sitting alone in his office one night when a genie popped up out of his ashtray and said, And what will your third wish be?



The man looked at the genie and said, Huh? How can I be getting a third wish when I havent had a first or second wish yet?



You have had two wishes already, the genie said, but your second wish was for me to put everything back the way it was before you made your first wish. Thus, you remember nothing,

because everything is the way it was before you made any wishes. You now have one wish left.



Okay, said the man, I dont believe this, but what the heck. I wish I were irresistible to women.



Funny, said the genie as it granted his wish and disappeared forever. That was your first wish, too!

After experiencing difficulties with his computer, a poor, incognizant user called the system makers technical support line for assistance:

Technician: Hello. How can I help you today?

Customer: Theres smoke coming from the power supply on my computer.

Tech: Sounds like you need a new power supply.

Cust: No, I dont! I just need to change the startup files.

Tech: Sir, what you described is a faulty power supply. You need to replace it.

Cust: No way! Someone told me that I just had to change the system startup files to fix the problem! All I need is for you to tell me the right command.

For the next ten minutes, in spite of the technicians efforts to explain the problem and its solution, the customer adamantly insisted he was right. So, in frustration, the technician responded…

Tech: Im sorry. We dont normally tell our customers this, but theres an undocumented DOS command that will fix the problem.

Cust: I knew it!

Tech: Just add the line LOAD NOSMOKE.COM at the end of the CONFIG.SYS file and everything should work fine. Let me know how it goes.

About ten minutes later, the technician received a call back from the customer…

Cust: It didnt work. The power supply is still smoking!

Tech: Well, what version of DOS are you using?

Cust: MS-DOS 6.22.

Tech: Well, thats your problem. That version of DOS doesnt include NOSMOKE. Youll need to contact Microsoft and ask them for a patch. Let me know how it all works out.

When nearly an hour had passed, the phone rang again…

Cust: I need a new power supply.

Tech: Really? How did you come to that conclusion?

Cust: Well, I called Microsoft and told the technician what you had said, and he started asking me questions about the make of the power supply.

Tech: What did he tell you?

Cust: He said my power supply isnt compatible with NOSMOKE.

Thanx to Gerry Gieger via http://www.allworld.net/allworld/jokes/