I once got an especially helpful reply to a question I asked on
Microsofts on-line tech support service. I wrote back to thank
them for a complete and concise reply, and said how much I
appreciated it.
The next day I had a response:
We are looking into the problem and will contact you with a solution
as soon as possible.
Why did the duck check into rehab?
Answer: Because he was addicted to quack!
The car sped off the highway, went through the guardrail, rolled down a cliff, bounced off a tree and finally shuddered to a stop.
A passing motorist, who had witnessed the entire accident, helped the miraculously unharmed driver out of the wreck.
Good lord, mister, he gasped, are you drunk?
Of course, said the man, brushing the dirt from his suit. What the hell do you think I am…a stunt driver!
MEGA MORON AWARDS
Ann Arbor:The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 12:50am, flashed a gun and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldnt open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they werent available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.
Sube un borracho a un taxi.
Borracho: ¡Eh varón! ¿Te puedo dejar la pizza y el vino sobre el asiento delantero?
Taxista: SÃ, como no.
Borracho: ¡BRRGGGGGGGGGGG!
Two blokes are sitting in the doctors waiting room, so to pass the time start to chat to each other. They get to why they are here and the first one, Mr Smith, says Well, its kind of embarrassing really, but I got this red ring round the shaft of my … you know … penis. Hey thats amazing, says Mr Jones, I got a green ring round mine. I feel a lot better knowing I aint some kind of freak.
So both feeling somewhat relieved, they talk about football and horse racing until Mr Smith is called in to see the doctor. Ten minutes later, Mr Smith returns, a wide grin on his face. On the way to the door, he quickly says to Mr Jones, Hey no worries, he rubbed in some liquid with a cloth and it came off. Youll be out in no time. See ya buddy.
Feeling better, Mr Jones goes in to the doctor when called. He explains his problem, drops his trousers, and lets the doctor have a look. Its serious Im afraid Mr Jones, It will have to be amputated. I can schedule surgery for three days time.
WHAT!! NO!! That guy in here two minutes ago got his rubbed off! What do ya mean amputate?!
Im sorry Mr Jones, there is a big difference between lip-stick and gangrene.
There were 11 women hanging onto a rope that was hanging down a cliff. Ten were blonde, and one was a brunette. They all decided that one person should let go because if they didn’t then the rope would break and everyone would die. No one could decide who should go, so finally the brunette thought to herself “I’ll let go.â€
After a really touching speech from the brunette saying she would let go, all of the blondes started clapping.
How do u get an etheopian in a phone box?
put a tin of beans in it.
How do u get it out again?
Run past wiv a can opener.
An American tourist goes on a trip to China. While there hes quite sexually
promiscuous and takes no precautions. A week after arriving back home in the
States, he awakes one morning to find his privates covered with bright green
and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to see his doctor. The
doctor has never seen anything like it and orders tests. He tells the man to
return in two days for the results. The man returns a couple of days later
and the doctor says, Ive got bad news for you. Youve contracted whats
known as Mongolian VD. Its very rare and almost unheard of in the States.
We know very little about it. The man looks a little relieved and says,
Well, okay, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc. The doctor
answers, Im sorry, theres no known cure. Were going to have to amputate
your penis.
The man screams in horror, Oh no! I want a second opinion!. The doctor
replies, Well its your choice. Go ahead if you want, but surgery is the
only acceptable solution. The next day the man seeks out a Chinese doctor,
figuring that hell know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines
him. Ah yes, Mongolian VD. Very rare disease. The guys says to the
doctor, Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can you do? My American
doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis!. The Chinese doctor shakes
his head and laughs. Stupid American doctor! Always want to operate. Make
more money that way. No need to operate.
The guy is so relieved. Oh, thank God! he exclaims. So theres no need to
amputate my penis after all? No, the Chinese doctor replies. It fall off
by itself!
A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms.
Now, class. Observe closely the worms, said the professor putting a worm first into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be. The second worm, he put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully, and quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail.
Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment? the professor asked.
Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely, responded, Drink whiskey and you wont get worms.