Old and New Jokes

An Ashkenazi orthodox rabbi was leading a service, and then the idea popped into his head that there might be Chinese Jews, with Chinese rabbis, with Chinese congregations.


So he goes all the way to China Town in San Francisco from New York to find out.


Sure enough, he comes across a small Chinese congregation with a Chinese rabbi.


He stares for a while. Finally, the rabbi walkes over to him and asks, Are you Jewish?


Yes, why? asks the Ashkenazi rabbi, somewhat puzzled.


You dont look it.

Whats the best thing to come out of a penis?

The wrinkles!

A guy is caught by a ranger eating a bald eagle and is consequently put in jail for the crime. On the day of his trial, the conversation went something like this:

Judge: Do you know that eating a bald eagle is a federal offense? Man: Yes I did. But if you let me argue my case, Ill explain what happened.

Judge: Proceed. Man: I got lost in the woods. I hadnt had anything to eat for two weeks. I was so hungry. Next thing I see is a Bald Eagle swooping down at the lake for some fish.

I knew that if I followed the Eagle I could maybe steal the fish. Unfortunately, in the process of taking the fish I killed the Eagle. I figured that since I killed the Eagle I might as well eat it since it would be more disgraceful to let it rot on the ground.

Judge: The court will take a recess while we analyze your testimony.

15 minutes goes by and the judge returns.

Judge: Due to the extreme circumstance you were under and because you didnt intend to kill the Eagle, the court will dismiss the charges. But if you dont mind the court asking, what does a Bald Eagle taste like?

Man: Well your honor, it is hard to explain. The best I can describe it is maybe a combination between a California Condor and a Spotted Owl.

RECOUNT DEMANDED BY METS

NEW YORK (AP) –The New York Mets announced today that they are going to court to get an additional inning added to the end of Game 5 of the World Series. The batting, pitching, and bench coaches for the Mets held a press conference earlier today. They were joined by members of the Major League Players Union. We meant to hit those pitches from the Yankee pitchers, said the Mets batting coach. We were confused by the irregularities of the pitches we received and believe we have been denied our right to hit.

One claim specifically noted that a small percentage of the Mets batters had intended to swing at fast balls, but actually swung at curve balls. It was clear that these batters never intended to swing at curve balls, though a much higher percentage were not confused by the pitches. Reporters at the press conference pointed out that the Mets had extensively reviewed film of the Yankees pitchers prior to the World Series and had in fact faced the Yankees in inter-league play earlier in the year.

The fact remains that some of the pitches confused us and denied us of our right to hit, said the Mets batting coach.

The World Series is not over yet and the Yankees are celebrating prematurely. Major League Baseball has reviewed the telecast of all the World Series games and recounted the balls and strikes called by the umpires of each game. While some of the strikes called against the Mets were, in fact, balls, there were not enough of them to change the outcome of the World Series, the commissioner said. Another portion of the Mets legal claim stated that, based on on-base percentage, the Mets had actually won the World Series, regardless of the final scores of the games.

Its clear that we were on-base slightly more often than the Yankees, said a Mets spokesman. The World Series crown is rightly ours. The manager of the Mets has remained in relative seclusion, engaging in some light jogging for exercise. He has stated that he believes we need to let the process run its course without a rush to judgment.

Arbitrator ar-bi-tray-ter: A cook that leaves Arbys to work at McDonalds.

Avoidable uh-voy-duh-buhl: What a bullfighter tries to do.

Baloney uh-lo-nee: Where some hemlines fall.

Una mujer se levanta por la mañana, despierta a su marido y le dice:

Cariño, he tenido un sueño maravilloso. He soñado que me regalabas un collar de diamantes por mi cumpleaños. ¿Qué querrá decir?

El marido le contesta: Lo sabrás en tu cumpleaños…

Llega el día del cumpleaños de la esposa y el marido entra en casa con un paquete en la mano. La mujer, emocionada, se lo quita de las manos, rasga nerviosa el papel, abre rápidamente la caja y encuentra un libro titulado:

El significado de los sueños.

SADDAM IN FIT AFTER PROZAC RUNS OUT

Amidst the bombing, Saddam Hussein was heard wimpering that he was defying the US led embargo of his country only because it prevented him from getting his prescription for Prozac refilled.



He is suffering the mother of all snits now that his medication has run out. We are fearful to be around him. It would be in the best interest of world peace to get him a megadose of Prozac so he returns to his happy, cheerful self before its too late, one of Saddams close advisors said after being assured anonymity.



A White House source admitted that the President had previously considered the option of a Prozac airdrop over Husseins bunker, but he decided against it, imagining the world with a smiling happy-go-lucky Saddam was just too much.

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.

74. Take all of your roommates furniture and build a fort. Guard the fort for an entire weekend.

An 80-year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how he was feeling.

Ive never been better! he boasted. Ive got an eighteen year old bride whos pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?

The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day, he went out in a bit of a hurry, and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun. The doctor continued, So he was in the woods, and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle. And do you know what happened? the doctor queried.

Dumbfounded, the old man replied, No.

The doctor continued, The bear dropped dead in front of him!

Thats impossible! exclaimed the old man. Someone else must have shot that bear.

Thats kind of what Im getting at, replied the doctor.

Paddy and Mick were approaching a pub which had been destroyed by an
IRA bomb only minutes before. As they passed, a head rolled out of the smoldering
ruins and across the pavement before them. Paddy stooped, picked it up and held
it for Mick to see.

Shure now Mick, isnt this Sean Murphy?

No, Paddy, no, it couldnt be. Its an amazin resemblance, but Murphy
was shorter than that.