Its the first day of fifth grade, and the teacher is asking each student a question.
What was the best part about your summer? she asks one boy sitting in the front row.
I went to visit my nanna, he replies.
Its fifth grade now, so well expect you to use the adult word, grandma, okay? says the teacher. The boy nods.
Next the teacher asks a little girl sitting in the third row. What is your favorite food?
The girl replies, I like peppermint gummy goodies.
Now, now, remember that this is fifth grade, says the teacher. Try to use the adult word, okay? The girl nods.
The teacher then turns to little boy sitting in the corner of the room. Do you like to read? she asks.
Yes, maam, he replies.
Good! Do you have a favorite book? Remember, use the adult word!
The boy thinks for a moment, then says, Yes, Winnie-the-Shit.
The game the whole family can play.
Hannibal crossed the Alps with elephants but none of the offspring
survived.
–MAD magazine, circa 1960
Joke found on http://www.randomjoke.com
A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the pants.
At the end of a long line of people waiting to get into Lenins tomb
there are people holding newspapers with headlines of the economic and
political changes taking place in Eastern Europe and the USSR. They
look up, smiling, as a passerby asks, Is this the line to see Lenin
turn over in his grave?
Doctor: Did you know that there are more than 1,000 bones in the human body?
Tom: Shhh, doctor! My dogs outside in the waiting room!
A n old lady who speaks no English, only Yiddish, goes into a department store looking to buy some baby powder. She cant find any –
but suddenly spots a sales clerk wearing a kippa. Yunger mann, kum aher she calls .Vu fint mn der bebbe pooder?
The sales clerk responds –Ich vil ihr veizen vu tsu geyen – ober ihr muz geyen punkt azoy vi ich key , nor vi ich gey – nisht andres. Kum noch mir un ich vil ihr veisen vu tsu geyen. And he starts down the aisle with the old lady following. him.
Now — this clerk happens to be very bow-legged, very noticeably bow-legged.
When the old lady spots his bowed legs, she lets out a gshrey — Ven ich ken azoy geyen, volt ich nisht gedaft kein bebbe pooder!
A blonde called her brunette friend and said, “Ive been working on this puzzle for weeks, and I cant get it. ” The brunette went over to see what was wrong, and she told the blonde, “Put the cornflakes away….”
They were all brought to the same emergency room, but all three of them died before they arrived. Just as they were about to put the toe tag on the American, he stirred and opened his eyes. Astonished, the doctors and nurses present asked him what happened. Well, said the American, I remember the crash, and then there was a beautiful light, and then the Canadian and the Scot and I were standing at the gates of heaven. St.Peter approached us and said that we were all too young to die, and said that for a donation of $50, we could return to earth. So of course I pulled out my wallet and gave him the $50, and the next thing I knew I was back here. Thats amazing! said the one of the doctors, But what happened to the other two? Last I saw them, replied the American, the Scot was haggling over the price and the Canadian was waiting for the government to pay his.
A married couple was asleep when the telephone rang at two in the morning. The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the telephone, listened a moment, and said, How should I know, thats 200 miles from here! and hung up.
The husband said, Who was that?
The wife said, I dont know; some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear.