Old and New Jokes

The first one was about 4 years ago, in the bank, a guy stealed a check for about $50,000,000.00 mexican pesos (about USD $25,000.00 in that time) from another guy who was in the line.

Two police officers started to chase him, and when the guy realized that he will never get to collect the check, he ate it. The police had to release him as they didnt had any evidence of the crime. (The guy was in front of me in the line so, i guess it is true)

The second story is about another bank robbery, a man with no weapons robbed 3 banks in 30 minutes, How? The 3 banks are very close enough to make th is stunt. He entered the bank, tell the manager this is a robbery, i have no gun, but if you see, top of that building, there is a friend of mine with a shotgun and hes aiming at you, now gimme the money. He grabbed the money and proceed to the next bank. He repeated the same procedure in each bank and went away.

3 hous later, when they realized that the guy with the shotgun still there, the police, shure that they will catch the tief, went to the building and they finded… A dummy made with old clothes holding a broom!!!

Upon arrival at their hunting, a group of hunters discover that there is an enormous bear sitting on the roof of the cabin. Not wanting to wait to see if the bear will leave on its own, the hunters race into the cabin, phone the game commission, and ask them to send someone out to remove the bear.

A few hours pass before a truck pulls up from the game commission. A man steps from the truck a looks over the situation. He then gets in the back of his truck and returns with his equipment which consists of a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a dog.

The man from the game commission approaches the hunters and hands one man the shotgun, tells the dog to sit next to the cabin and sets the ladder up against the cabin. Couriosity got the best of the hunter holding the shotgun and he asked the man, How are you going to trap a bear using a ladder, a baseball bat and a dog?

The man from the GC replied, Im using the ladder to climb on the roof. When I get to the roof the bear will charge me and Ill knock him off of the roof with the baseball bat. And this dog is a specially trained hunting dog that knows that when something falls from the sky, he is supposed to attack it by the testicles, and drag the poor SOB into the cage in the back of my truck.

Still curious, the hunter with the shotgun asks, Then why am I holding this shotgun.

The man replied, Thats in case the bear knocks me off of the roof first … you better shoot that god-damned dog fast.

On
Christmas morning, a cop on horseback was sitting at
a traffic light. Next to him was a kid on his shiny
new bike.
The cop said to the kid, "Nice bike youve got
there. Did Santa bring that to you?"
The kid said, "Yeah."

Well, next year tell Santa to put a taillight on that
bike." The cop then proceeded to issue the kid
a $20 bicycle safety violation ticket.
The kid took th

The cop said, "e ticket, but before he rode off
he said, "By the way, thats a nice horse you
got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"
Humoring the kid, the cop said, "Yeah, he sure
did."
The kid said, "Well, next year tell Santa to
put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."

Q. Why are Australians like kiwifruit?

A. Because they are rough on the outside, green on the inside….. and too many of them will give you the shits!

Two hunters were off on their annual trip to the Canadian wilderness to bag a moose. As the seaplane landed on a lake in a remote area, the pilot said, Ill be back in one week to pick you up. But only one moose, please. When he returned to the lake, he found the hunters proudly standing beside two moose. I told you guys only one moose! the furious flier screamed. Theres no way the plane can take off with that much weight! Youre just a chicken pilot, one hunter said. We killed two moose last year and that pilot wasnt afraid to take off. Stung by the suggestion of cowardice, he reconsidered. All right, if you did it last year, I guess we can try it. They loaded up and the pilot taxied to the far end of the lake to begin his take-off. The plane bounced across the water as it strained to get airborne, but the overloaded aircraft finally ran out of space and crashed into the trees. Some time later, the hunters regained consciousness. Where are we? one asked. His friend looked around at the scattered debris, then back at the edge of the lake and replied, Oh, I guess about a hundred yards farther than last year.