Old and New Jokes

APPLICATION TO LIVE IN WEST VIRGINIA

Name:______________ Nickname:____________ CB Handle:____________

Address: (RFD):_________________________________________________

Daddy: (If unknown attach list of three suspects):_____________________

Mamma:_______________________________

Neck Shade: [] Light Red [] Medium Red [] Dark Red

Number of teeth exposed in full grin: Upper:______ Lower:________

Name of Pickup Owned:______________ Height of truck:__________

Truck Equipped with:
[] Gun Rack [] 4-Wheel Drive [] Confederate Flag [] Toothpick Holder
[] 8-Track [] Load of Wood [] Hijacker Shocks [] Mud-grip Tires
[] Big Dog [] Racoon Hide [] Dual CB Antenna [] Fuzz Buster
[] Spitoon [] Camper Top [] Mag Wheels [] Air Horns
[] Mud Flaps

Number of Empty Beer Cans on Floor Board of Pickup:_________

Bumper Stickers:
[] Eat More Possum [] Peanut Butter [] Honk if You Love Jesus
[] Wave if Youre Horny [] Redman Chewing Tobacco

Define the following (Must be 90% correct):
[] Grits [] Muscadine [] Cobbler [] Tater
[] Goobers [] Brogans [] Fatback [] Pig Skins
[] Collards [] Redeye Gravy [] Tote [] Pinto Beans
[] Sidemeat [] Sawmill Gravy [] Poke [] Turnip Salit
[] Chitlins [] Soppin Syrup [] Cracker [] Shit-on-Shingle
[] Ramps

Favorite Vocalist:
[] Donna Fargo [] Conway Twitty [] Loretta Lynn [] Hank Williams
[] Elvis [] Slim Whitman [] Tammy Wynette [] Porter Wagoner
[] Johnny Cash [] Willie Nelson [] George Jones [] Box Car Willie

Favorite Recreation:
[] Square Dancin [] Possum Huntin [] Skinny Dippin
[] Craw Daddin [] Gospel Singin [] 4-Wheelin
[] Drankin [] Bull Chip Throwin [] Blue Grass Conventions
[] Spitten backy [] Other

Weapons Owned:
[] Deer Rifle [] Bird Gun [] Varmit Rifle [] Sawed-off Shotgun
[] Tire Iron [] Pick Handle [] Log Chain [] Power (chain) saw

Number of Hound Dogs:___ Type: [] Blue Tick [] Black & Tan [] Beagle

Emblem: [] John Deere [] CAT [] Budweiser [] McCullock Chain Saw
[] PBR [] NAPA [] Coors [] Skoals

Number of Weeks Unemployed:_____
Number of Welfare Checks Received:_____

Number of Dependents (Legal):______ (Claimed):______

Memberships:
[] KKK [] NRA [] Moose [] PTL Club [] VFW [] American Legion
[] Bass Club [] United Sons/Daughters of the Confederacy

Length of Left Leg:______ Length of Right Leg:______

Does your truck contain some part painted the official state color,
Primer Red?______

How many cars do you have jacked up on blocks in your front yard?______

How many kitchen appliances (working or not) will you keep on your front
porch?______

Will you be a part of the West Virginia Intelligentsia with a measurable
IQ?______

Do you wear mostly double knit polyester pants with snags?______

Do you own any shoes, if so how many? ______
What year did you last purchase shoes? ______

Are you married to any of the following?
[] Sister [] Cousin [] Sow Do you know her name? ______

Does your wife weigh more than your pickup?______

Can you sign your name and get the spelling right every time?______

Have you ever stayed sober for a whole weekend?______

Can you count: Past 10 with your shoes on? ______
To 21 with your fly up? ______

Medical Information:
Do you have at least 2 of the following:
[] BO [] Crabs [] Head Lice [] Bad Breath
[] Scabies [] Trench Mouth [] Runny Nose

Do you know any words that have more than 4 letters?______

Have you EVER had more than one bath in a week? ______

After three cups of coffee I cant stop singing that Bonanza song (this part, sadly, has really happened)
Elvis just delivered the morning paper
My paper is 23 pages of All Work And No Play Makes Jack A Dull Boy.
I have to go to bed so I can be rested when I get up in 20 minutes
What good is an edjucations, anyway
Did I write that?
Hmm… Europe would be nice this time of year
Ive failed myself as a journalist because I dont like Edward Murrow. I might as well quit while Im ahead
Then again, I at least I dont look like Ed Murrow
Where is Europe?

Im doing the internet a disservice by redistributing this note. The net
could do to lose a few gazillion newbies.

———- Forwarded message ———-
Date: Tue, 20 Feb 1996 22:46:56 EST
From: Frank M. Lanzafame <flanzafame@ECKERT.ACADCOMP.MONROECC.EDU>
To: Multiple recipients of list CHEMED-L <CHEMED-L@uwf.cc.uwf.edu>
Subject: Internet Downtime

*** Attention ***

Its that time again!

As many of you know, each leap year the Internet must be shut down for 24
hours in order to allow us to clean it. The cleaning process, which
eliminates dead email and inactive ftp, www and gopher sites, allows for
a better-working and faster Internet.

This year, the cleaning process will take place from 12:01 a.m. GMT on
Feb. 29 until 12:01 a.m. GMT on March 1. During that 24-hour period,
five powerful Internet-crawling robots situated around the world will
search the Internet and delete any data that they find.

In order to protect your valuable data from deletion we ask that you do
the following:

Disconnect all terminals and local area networks from their Internet
connections.
Shut down all Internet servers, or disconnect them from the Internet.
Disconnect all disks and hardrives from any connections to the Internet.
Refrain from connecting any computer to the Internet in any way.

We understand the inconvenience that this may cause some Internet users,
and we apologize. However, we are certain that any inconveniences will
be more than made up for by the increased speed and efficiency of the
Internet, once it has been cleared of electronic flotsam and jetsam.

We thank you for your cooperation.

Kim Dereksen
Interconnected Network Maintenance staff
Main branch, Massachusetts Institute of Technology

Sysops and others: Since the last Internet cleaning, the number of
Internet users has grown dramatically. Please assist us in alerting the
public of the upcoming Internet cleaning by posting this message where
your users will be able to read it. Please pass this message on to other
sysops and Internet users as well. Thank you.

——- End of Forwarded Message

Un viejo de 80 años va al médico a preguntarle si puede tener hijos con su esposa de 70, y el médico le da un tarrito y le dice que le traiga al día siguiente una muestra de semen. Cuando vuelve:

Doctor, no he podido traerle la muestra de semen.

Bueno era de esperar… ¿cómo lo intentó?

Primero con la mano derecha, después con la izquierda; luego lo intentó mi esposa, primero con las dos manos y luego con los dientes, pero no hubo forma, no hemos conseguido abrir el tarrito…

Tres tontilandeses en un Jeep por el desierto. El carro se daña. El más avispado (es un decir) propone:

“Recuperemos del carro lo que podamos necesitar para la larga caminata”.

Y se apodera del radiador.

“Por si nos da sed”.

El segundo: “Yo tomo un sillón, por si me canso”.

El último: “Yo me llevo la puerta, por si tengo calor, abro la ventanilla”.

Parte plaza en Madrid el gran torero Manolo con toda su cuadrilla atrás de él. Va con su soberbio caminar sosteniendo con el brazo izquierdo su muleta. En ese momento un aire le tumba la montera de la cabeza y para no perder la compostura le tira el agarrón por la espalda con su mano derecha y sigue su marcha. En eso, oye al muletero decir:

¡Suete, matadooo!

¡Gracia, muetero!

Vuelve a escuchar:

¡Suete, matadooo!

¡Gracia, muetero!

Por tercera vez escucha:

¡Suete, matadooo!

¿Pero, po qué tanta suerte, muetero?

No le estoy diciendo: suerte, matador. ¡Le digo suelte que me trae agarrado de los cojones!

En un jardín de niños el tema era ¿en qué trabajan sus papás?

Y la maestra le pregunta a juanito:

Juanito, ¿en qué trabaja tu papá?

Mi papá es un gran piloto.

La maestra le aplaude y le pregunta a Rosa:

Rosita ¿en qué trabaja tu papá?

Mi papá es un gran doctor.

Finalmente le pregunta al ultimo niño:

Miguelito ¿en qué trabaja tu papá?

Bueno, maestra, mi papá es… es… está bien, mi papá es desnudista en un bar gay.

La maestra sorprendida le dice a los niños:

¡Al recreo!

Y se quedan Miguelito y Rosita solos en el salón, y Rosita le pregunta a Miguelito:

Miguelito, en serio tu papá es desnudista en un bar gay?

No.

¿Entonces por qué dijiste eso?

Y miguelito le contesta:

Es que me dio vergüenza decir que es político.

Estaba una señora preguntándole a sus tres hijas como tenían el miebro sus maridos y la primera contesta:

Mi marido lo tiene delgado y largo.

Contesta la madre:

Eso hija, eso es elegancia.

La segunda le dice:

Mi marido lo tiene corto y grueso.

Contesta la madre:

Eso hija, eso es potencia.

Comenta la tercera:

El mio lo tiene largo y grueso.

Y contesta la madre:

¡Eso hija, eso es verga!

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Marian!
Marian who?
Marian money!