Q. Am I more likely to get pregnant if my husband wears boxers rather than briefs?

A. Yes, but youll have an even better chance if he doesnt wear anything at all.

Q. What is the easiest way to figure out exactly when I got pregnant?

A. Have sex once a year.

Q. What is the most common pregnancy craving?

A. For men to be the ones who get pregnant.

Q. Im two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?

A. With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q. Ever since Ive been pregnant, I havent been able to go to bed at night without onion rings. Is this a normal craving?

A. Depends on what youre doing with them.

Q. The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?

A. Cause youre fatter then they are.

Q. My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes shes borderline irrational.

A. So whats your question, dork?

Q. Will I love my dog less when the baby is born?

A. No, but your husband might get on your nerves.

Q. My childbirth instructor says its not pain Ill feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?

A. Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q. Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?

A. Not unless the word alimony means anything to you.

Q. Is there a safe alternative to breast pumps?

A. Yes, baby lips.

Q. Can a mother get pregnant while nursing?

A. Yes, but its much easier if she removes the baby from her breast and puts him to sleep first.

Q. What causes baby blues?

A. Tanned, hard-bodied bimbos.