Preparing For Parenthood

Poza publicata in [ Seasonal / Holiday ]

Preparation for parenthood is not just a matter of reading books and
decorating the nursery. Here are 12 simple tests for expectant parents
to take to prepare themselves for the real life experience of being a
mother or father.

Women: to prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and stick a
beanbag chair down the front. Leave it there for 9 months. After 9
months, remove 10% of the beans.

Men: to prepare for paternity, go to the local drug store, tip the
contents of your wallet on the counter, and tell the pharmacist to help
himself. Then go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid
directly to their head office. Go home. Pick up the paper and read it
for the last time.

Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who are
already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack
of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels, and how they have allowed
their children to run riot. Suggest ways in which they might improve
their childs sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners, and overall
behavior. Enjoy it — its the last time in your life that you will have
all of the answers.

To discover how the nights feel, walk around the living room from 5pm
till 10pm carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 pounds. At 10pm
put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep. Get up at
12am and walk around the living room again, with the bag, until 1am. Put
the alarm on for 3am. As you cant go back to sleep, get up at 2am and
make a drink. Go to bed at 2:45am. Get up again at 3am when the alarm
goes off. Sing songs in the dark till 4am. Put the alarm on for 5am.
Get up. Make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.

Can you stand the mess children make? To find out, smear peanut butter
onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains. Hide a fish stick behind the
stereo and leave it there all summer. Stick your fingers in the flower
beds then rub them on the clean walls. Cover the stains with crayons.
How does that look?

Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems: first buy an
octopus and a string bag. Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag
so that none of the arms hang out. Time allowed for this — all morning.

Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and a can of paint, turn
it into an alligator. Now take a toilet paper tube. Using only scotch
tape and a piece of foil, turn it into a Christmas tree. Last, take a
milk container, a ping pong ball, and an empty packet of CoCo Puffs and
make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower. Congratulations, you have just
qualified for a place on the play group committee.

Forget the Miata and buy the mini-van. And dont think you can leave
it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars dont look like
that. Buy a chocolate ice cream bar and put it in the glove compartment.
Leave it there. Get a quarter. Stick it in the cassette player. Take
a family-size bag of chocolate cookies. Mash them down the back seats.
Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. There! Perfect!

Get ready to go out. Wait outside the toilet for half an hour. Go
out the front door. Come in again. Go out. Come back in. Go out again.
Walk down the front path. Walk back up it again. Walk down it again.
Walk very slowly down the road for 5 minutes. Stop to inspect minutely
every cigarette butt, piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue, and dead
insect along the way. Retrace your steps. Scream that youve had as much
as you can stand until all of the neighbors come out and stare at you.
Give up and go back in the house. You are now just about ready to try
taking a small child for a walk.

Always repeat everything you say at least five times.

Go to your local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you
can find to a pre-school child. A fully grown goat is excellent. If you
intent to have more than one child, take more than one goat. Buy your
weeks groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for
everything the goats eat or destroy. Until you can easily accomplish this
DO NOT even contemplate having children.

Hollow out a melon. Make a small hole in the side. Suspend it from
the ceiling and swing it from side to side. Now get a bowl of soggy Froot
Loops and attempt to spoon it into the swaying melon by pretending to be
an airplane. Continue until half of the Froot Loops are gone. Tip the
rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the floor. You
are now ready to feed a 12-month-old child.

Learn the names of every character from Barney and Friends, Sesame
Street, and Power Rangers. When you find yourself singing, I love you,
you love me at work, you finally qualify as a parent.

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