Quotations Compiled from Actual Resumes

I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience.

I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0, computor and spreadsheat progroms.

Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year.

Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave.

Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions.

Failed bar exam with relatively high grades.

Its best for employers that I not work with people.

Lets meet, so you can ooh and aah over my experience.

You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time.

I Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details.

I was working for my mom until she decided to move.

Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No commitments.

I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse.

I am loyal to my employer at all costs. Please feel free to respond to my
resume on my office voice mail.

I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one, and
absolutely nothing.

My goal is to be meteorologist. But since I possess no training in
meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.

I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant.

Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far.

Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store.

Note: Please dont misconstrue my 14 jobs as job hopping. I have never quit
a job.

Marital status: often. Children: various.

Reason for leaving last job: The boss insisted that all employees get to
work by 8:45 every morning. Could not work under those conditions.

The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers.

Finished eighth in my class of ten.

References: None. Ive left a path of destruction behind me.

I am being an expert working on the Bananna Vines network.

I am sure to be a great ass to your company.

I am a jack-of-all-trades but not a jack-of-all-asses.

Heres a personal contribution from a cover letter I received:

Dear Mr. Sap Guy,

I am enclosing my resume herewithe for your kind perusal. I like to work very
hard for you company. I am having 6 weeks of SAP R/3 training which is
equivalence to 2 yearts professional experiments. I can speaking my very good
english for you to like. Please contact me at your fastest conferencing to
discuss now job holes.

Awaiting your contact,


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