The typical Internet user receives an average of 17,000 email messages per year. Of this total, an average of one message actually contains useful information (it says: Disregard previous email). The rest are porno ads, investment opportunities for morons (Make Big Money Petting Kittens At Home!), and jokes that were originally set in movable type by Johann Gutenberg. –Dave Barry

Technically, Windows is an operating system, which means
that it supplies your computer with the basic commands that
it needs to suddenly, with no warning whatsoever, stop
operating. –Dave Barry

The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree,
is by accident. Thats where we come in; were computer professionals.
We cause accidents. –Nathaniel Borenstein

Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning. –Rich Cook

An idiot with a computer is a faster, better idiot.
–Rich Julius

The most important thing in the programming language is the name. A language will not succeed without a good name. I have recently invented a very good name and now I am looking for a suitable language. –D. E. Knuth, 1967

Any sufficiently advanced bug is indistinguishable from a feature. –Kulawiec

A distributed system is one in which the failure of a computer you didnt even know existed can render your own computer unusable. –Leslie Lamport, DEC Systems Research Center, 1987

A computer lets you make mistakes faster than any other invention in human history, with the possible exception of handguns and tequila. –D.W. McArthur

The Internet is an amazing communications tool thats
bringing the whole world together. I mean, you sit down to
sign on to America Online in your hometown, and its just
staggering to think that at the same moment, halfway around
the world, in China, someone youve never met is sitting at
their computer, hearing the exact same busy signal that
youre hearing. –Dennis Miller

Any nitwit can understand computers. Many do. –Ted Nelson

I keep praying for answers on how to do routing and He keeps saying you got yourself into this mess, you figure it out. –David Payer

You can measure a programmers perspective by noting his attitude on the continuing viability of FORTRAN. –Alan Perlis

Where a calculator on the ENIAC is equipped with 18,000 vacuum tubes and weighs 30 tons, computers in the future may have only 1,000 vacuum tubes and perhaps weigh 1-1/2 tons. –Popular Mechanics, March 1949

Goto, n.: A programming tool that exists to allow structured programmers to complain about unstructured programmers.
–Ray Simard

Never underestimate the bandwidth of a station wagon full of tapes hurtling down the highway. –Andrew Tannenbaum

Home computers are the perfect thing for women who dont feel that men
provide them with enough frustration. –J. Wagner

The social dynamics of the net are a direct consequence of the fact that nobody has yet developed a Remote Strangulation Protocol. –Larry Wall

One computer is a problem. A computer network is a large problem. The internet is the worlds largest problem. –Douglas Warren

As soon as we started programming, we found to our surprise that it wasnt as easy to get programs right as we had thought. Debugging had to be discovered. I can remember the exact instant when I realized that a large part of my life from then on was going to be spent in finding mistakes in my own programs. –Maurice Wilkes discovers debugging, 1949

Applying computer technology is simply finding the right wrench to pound in the correct screw.

–Unknown

An elephant is a mouse with an operating system. –Unknown

Profanity is the one language all programmers know best.

–Unknown

The goal of Computer Science is to build something that will last at least until weve finished building it. –Unknown

The computer is mightier than the pen, the sword, and usually, the programmer. –Unknown

There are two major products to come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX.
We dont believe this to be a coincidence. –Unknown