Never let a fool kiss you or a kiss fool you. –Joey Adams

Sex without love is an empty experience, but, as empty experiences go, its one of the best. –Woody Allen

Many a man owes his success to his first wife and his second wife to his success. –Jim Backus

Only decent girls keep a diary. The others dont have the time.
–Tallulah Bankhead

Marriage always demands the greatest understanding of the
art of insincerity possible between two human beings. –Vicki Baum

Love: A temporary insanity curable by marriage. –Ambrose Bierce

Women need a reason to have sex — men just need a place. –Billy Crystal

Love: a seasons pass on the shuttle between heaven and hell. –Don Dickerman

Theres only one way to have a happy marriage and as soon as I learn what it is Ill get married again.

–Clint Eastwood

Relationships are hard. Its like a full-time job, and we
should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend
wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks notice.
There should be severance pay, and before they leave you,
they should have to find you a temp. –Bob Ettinger

Getting divorced just because you dont love a man is almost as silly as getting married just because you do.
–Zsa Zsa Gabor

Im an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house. –Zsa Zsa Gabor

ABC News says Americans spend $300 billion every year on
games of chance, and that doesnt even include weddings and
elections.

–Argus Hamilton

Life in Lubbock, Texas, taught me two things: One is that God loves you and youre going to burn in hell. The other is that sex is the most awful, filthy thing on earth. And you should save it for someone you love. –Butch Hancock

Matrimony is the high sea for which no compass has yet been invented. –Heine (1797-1856)

Love is only the game that is not called on account of darkness. –M. Hirschfield

Love is like pi – natural, irrational, and very important. –Lisa Hoffman

Bigamy is having one husband to many. Monogamy is the same. –Erica Jong

Moving together with a man is like buying something you have long admired in a shop window. Youre exalted when you bring it home, but you soon discover that it doesnt match the rest of the furniture. –Jean Kerr

I love being married… I was single for a long time and I
just got so sick of finishing my own sentences. –Brian Kiley

I dont worry about terrorism. I was married for two years. –Sam Kinison

I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural,
wholesome things that money can buy. –Steve Martin

The Japanese have a word for it. Its judo – the art of conquering by yielding. The western equivalent of judo is, Yes, dear. –J. P. McAvoy

I love the lines the men use to get us into bed. Please, Ill only put it
in for a minute. What am I, a microwave? –Beverly Mickins

Were going to talk about sex — actually, youre going to talk about sex, because I cant remember. –Professor Ralph Noble

You watch a talk show recently? Theyre doing one next month on a normal, happy heterosexual couple, assuming they can find one. –Ralph Noble

My schoolmates would make love to anything that moved, but I never saw
any reason to limit myself. –Emo Phillips

A bachelor is a selfish, undeserving guy who has cheated some woman out of a
divorce. –Don Quinn

Every time I date a man I think: Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with? –Rita Rudner

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. Theyve experienced pain and bought jewelry. –Rita Rudner

Seems to me the basic conflict between men and women, sexually, is that men are like firemen. To us, sex is an emergency, and no matter what were doing we can be ready in two minutes. Women, on the other hand, are like fire. Theyre very exciting, but the conditions have to be exactly right for it to occur.
–Jerry Seinfeld

When two people are under the influence of the most violent, most insane, most delusive, and most transient of passions, they are required to swear that they will remain in that excited, abnormal, and exhausting condition continuously until death do them part. –George Bernard Shaw

No one is more carnal than a recent virgin. –John Steinbeck

Instead of getting married again, Im going to find a woman I dont like
and just give her a house. –Rod Stewart

They say marriage is a contract. No, its not. Contracts
come with warrantees. When something goes wrong, you can
take it back to the manufacturer. If your husband starts
acting up, you cant take him back to his mamas house. I
dont know; he just stopped working. Hes just laying around
making a funny noise.
–Wanda Sykes-Hall

It is an infantile superstition of the human spirit that virginity would be thought a virtue and not the barrier that separates ignorance from knowledge. –Voltaire

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep. –Unknown

Marriage is the only war in which you sleep with the enemy. –Unknown

Sex on television cant hurt you unless you fall off. –Unknown

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience. –Unknown