Rudolphs night off


by Baxter Black

Twas the night before Christmas and Rudolph was lame!
The vet from the North Pole said, Footrots to blame

Ill give him some sulfa, its the best I can do
But stall rest is needed the next week or two.

Great Scott! cried old Santy, he turned with a jerk.
I wont git through Pierre if my headlight dont work!

On Interstate 40 Ill surely get fined
And lost in Montana if Im flying blind!

No cop in his right mind would give any clout
To a geezer who claimed that his reindeer went out!

He gathered the others, ol Donner and Blitzen.
Were any among em whose nose was tranmitzen?

They grunted and strained and made sure made a mess
But no noses glowed brightly or ears luminesced.

Its bad luck in bunches, cried Santy, distressed.
Well fly Continental, the Red Eye express!

Ill just check the schedule, he put on his glasses
When up stepped ol Billy, the goat from Lampasas.

He shivered and shook like a mouse on the Ark
But his horns were a beacon … They glowed in the dark!

Santy went crazy! He asked Why? with a smile
I just ate a watch with a radium dial!

Where I come from in Texas we dont have thick hide
So my skin is so thin it shines through from inside.

If thats true then lets feed him! cried Santy with glee
Gather everything burnin and bring it to me!

So Billy ate flashbulbs and solar collectors,
Electric eels and road sign reflectors,

Firecracker sparklers, a Lady Schick shaver
And Lifesavers, all of em wintergreen flavor,

Jelly from phosphorescellous fish,
Day Glow pizza in a glittering dish,

Fireflies and candles and stuff that ignites,
Then had him a big bowl of Northering Lights!

He danced on the rug and petted the cat
And after hed finished and done all of that

To store up the static lectricity better
They forced him to eat two balloons and a sweater!

Then he opened his mouth, light fell on the floor
Like a fridge light comes on when you open the door!

His Halloween smile couldnt be better drawn
When he burped accidently, his high beams kicked on!

Hitch him up! cried ol Santy, and they went on their way.
I remember that Christmas to this very day.

The sky was ablaze with the stars shining bright.
They were shooting and falling all through the night.

And I realize now, though my fingers are crossed
What I really was seein … was ol Billys exhaust!

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