I think Santa Claus is a woman. I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe hes a she. Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized,warm, fuzzy, nurturing, social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off! For starters, the vast majority of men dont even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the shelves.

On this count alone, Im convinced Santa is a woman. Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the bag. Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all, there would be no reindeer because they would strapped on to the rear bumper of the sleigh amid wide-eyed, desperate claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzens rack would already Even if the male Santa DID have reindeer, hed still have transportation problems because he would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions.

Other reasons why Santa cant possibly be a man: Men cant pack a bag. Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet. Men would feel their masculinity is threatened … having to be seen with all those elves. Men dont answer their mail. (unless its email) Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described, even in jest, as anything remotely resembling a bowlful of jelly. Men arent interested in stockings unless somebodys wearing them. Having to do the Ho Ho Ho thing would seriously inhibit their ability to pick up women. Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.

I can buy the fact that other mythical holiday characters are men: Father Time shows up once a year unshaven and looking ominous – Definite guy. Cupid flies around carrying weapons. Uncle Sam is a politician who likes to point fingers. Any one of these individuals could pass the testosterone screening test. But not St. Nick. Not a chance.