Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfelds Suggested Military Cost-Cutting Measures

All major ground wars will be fought entirely by Tom Hanks and Steven Spielberg.
Combine Army and Navy into cost-effective super-force called the Narvmy.
Live out the new national advertising slogan: Army of None. [TV spot will depict a driverless tank, meandering across battlefield, firing at random.]
In a compromise with bumper-sticker liberals, the nations teachers will be forced to donate the proceeds of their bake-sales to the Army, which will then use the money to buy bombers.
Cadets crisp five-finger salute to superior officers scaled down to three fingers and a look of sincere, filial respect.
After battles, soldiers collect used bullets for recycling.
Inter-Continental missiles no longer ballistic, just slightly peeved.

by Nicholas Danforth Copyright 2001 Modern Humorist, Inc.