The 9 Types of Girlfriends

Ms. Nice Guy – Tickets to the boxing match? Oh Darling, you shouldnt have

Also known as: What a gal, precious, one of the boys, my main squeeze,


Advantages: Cheerful, agreeable, kindly

Disadvantages: May wise up someday

Old Yeller – You G-D spineless good-for-nothing drag-ass no-talent son of a

bitch! Cant you see youre making me miserable??

Also known as: She-Devil, Sourpuss, the Nag, My Old Lady, Warthog from Hell

Advantages: Pays attention to you

Disadvantages: Screeches, throws frying pans

Sickly – Oh, my head. My head. My feet. My cramps. My cellulite

Also known as: Whiner, Mewler, Glumpy

Advantages: Predictable

Disadvantages: Contagious

The Bosser – Stand up straight. Put on a different tie. Get a haircut.

Change your job. Make some money. Dont give me that look.

Also known as: Whipcracker, The Sarge, Ms. Know-it-all, Ball and Chain, yes,


Advantages: Often right

Disadvantages: Often right, but so what?

Ms. Vaguely Dissatisfied – I just cant decide. Should I switch my career,

goals, home, and hair color?

Also known as: The Fretter, Worrywart, Typical, Aw cmon Honey

Advantages: Easily soothed

Disadvantages: Even more easily perturbed

Wild Woman out of Control – Ive got an idea. Lez get drunk an make love

onna front lawn. I done it before. Sfun.

Also known as: Fast girl, freewheeler, goodtime charleena, passed out

Advantages: More fun than a barrel of monkeys

Disadvantages: Unreliable; drives off cliffs

Huffy – I see nothing humorous in those silly cartoons you keep snickering


Also known as: No fun, humorless prig, Cold fish, Chilly proposition,

iceberg, Snarly

Advantages: Your friends will feel sorry for you

Disadvantages: You will have no friends

Woman from Mars – I believe this interpretive dance will explain how I feel

about our relationship

Also known as: The Babbler, Spooky Girl, Screwball, Loony, Bad News,


Advantages: Entertaining, unfathomable

Disadvantages: Will read her poetry aloud

Ms. Dreamgirl – I am utterly content with you just the way you are, my

handsome genius of a boyfriend. I think we must make love

like crazed weasels now

Also known as: Ms. Right, Goddess, Knockout, Perfection, Gorgeous

Advantages: Funny, intelligent uninhibited

Disadvantages: Will have nothing to do with you

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