The College Food Chain

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The College Food Chain:

The Dean

Leaps tall buildings in a single bound. Is more powerful than a locomotive. Is faster than a speeding bullet. Walks on water. Gives policy to God.

The Department Head

Leaps short buildings in a single bound. Is more powerful than a switch engine. Is just as fast as a speeding bullet. Talks with God.


Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds. Is almost as powerful as a switch engine. Is faster than a speeding BB. Walks on water in an indoor swimming pool. Talks with God if a special request is honored.

Associate Professor

Barely clears a Quonset hut. Loses tug of war with a locomotive. Can fire a speeding bullet. Swims well. Is occasionally addressed by God.

Assistant Professor

Makes high marks on the walls when trying to leap tall buildings. Is run over by locomotives. Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury. Treads water. Talks to animals.


Climbs walls continually. Rides the rails. Plays Russian Roulette. Walks on thin ice. Prays a lot.

Graduate Student

Runs into buildings. Recognizes locomotives two out of three times. Is not issued ammunition. Can stay afloat with a life jacket. Talks to walls.

Undergraduate Student

Falls over doorstep when trying to enter buildings. Says Look at the choo-choo. Wets himself with a water pistol. Plays in mud puddles. Mumbles to themselves.

Department Secretary

Lifts buildings and walks under them. Kicks locomotives off the tracks. Catches speeding bullets in their teeth and eats them. Freezes water with a single glance. they ARE God.

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