Old and New Jokes

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of lager and a ham sandwich. The landlord looks at him and says, But youre a duck



I see youre eyes are working replies the duck.



And you talk! exclaims the landlord.



I see youre ears are working says the duck, now can I have my beer and my sandwich please?



Certainly, says the landlord, sorry about that, its just we dont get many talking ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?



Im working on the building site across the road explains the duck. So the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich and leaves. This continues for about 2 weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town.



The ring leader of the circus comes into the pub and the landlord says to him; Youre with the circus arent you? I know this duck that would be just brilliant in your circus, he talks, drinks beer and everything!



Sounds marvellous says the ringleader, get him to give me a call.



So the next day, the duck comes into the pub. The landlord says, Hey Mr Duck. I reckon I can line you up with a top job. Paying really good money!



Yeah? says the duck, Sounds great, where is it?



At the circus says the landlord.



The circus? the duck enquires.



Thats right replies the landlord.



The circus? That place with the big tent? With all the animals? With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle



Thats right! says the landlord.



The duck looks confused. What the fuck do they want with a plasterer?