The five stages of drinking

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Original Monologue by Larry Miller, an American comedian.


Its 11:00 on a weeknight, youve had a few beers.

You get up to leave because you have work the next day and one of your friends buys another round. One of your UNEMPLOYED friends.

Here at level one you think to yourself, Oh come on, this is silly, why as long as I get seven hours of sleep (snap fingers), Im cool..


Its midnight. Youve had a few more beers.

Youve just spent 20 minutes arguing against artificial turf. You get up to leave again, but at level two, a little devil appears on your shoulder. And now youre thinking, Hey! Im out with my friends! What am I working for anyway? These are the good times! Besides, as long as I get five hours sleep (snaps fingers) Im cool..


One in the morning. Youve abandoned beer for tequila.

Youve just spent 20 minutes arguing FOR artificial turf. And now youre thinking, Our waitress is the most beautiful woman Ive ever seen!

At level three, you love the world. On the way to the bathroom you buy a drink for the stranger at the end of the bar just because you like his face. You get drinking fantasies. (like, Hey fellas, if we bought our own bar, we could live together forever. We could do it … Tommy, you could cook.) But at level three, that devil is a little bit bigger … and hes buying. And youre thinking Oh, come on, come on now. As long as I get three hours sleep … and a complete change of blood (snaps fingers), Im cool..


Two in the morning.

The devil is bartending.

For last call, you ordered a bottle of rum and a Coke. You ARE artificial turf! This time on your way to the bathroom, you punch the stranger at the end of the bar. Just because you dont like his face! And now youre thinking, Our busboy is the best looking man Ive ever seen.

You and your friends decide to leave, right after you get thrown out, and one of you knows an … after hours bar. And here, at level four, you actually think to yourself, Well … as long as Im only going to get a few hours sleep anyway, I may as well … STAY UP ALL NIGHT!!! Yeah! Thatd be good for me. I dont mind going to that board meeting looking like Keith Richards. Yeah, Ill turn that around, make it work for me. And besides, as long as I get 31 hours sleep tomorrow … cool.


Five in the morning.

After unsuccessfully trying to get your money back at the tattoo parlor (But I dont even know anybody named Ruby!!!), you and your friends wind up across the state line in a bar with guys who have been in prison as recently as … that morning.

Its the kind of place where even the devil is going, Uh, I gotta turn in. I gotta be in Hell – at nine. Ive got that brunch with Hitler, I cant miss that.

At this point, youre all drinking some kind of thick blue liquor, like something from a Klingon wedding. A waitress with fresh stitches comes over, and you think to yourself, Someday Im gonna marry that girl!!

One of your friends stands up and screams, WERE DRIVIN TO FLORIDA!!! – and passes out.

You crawl outside for air, and then you hit the worst part of level five – the sun. You werent expecting that were you? You never do.

You walk out of a bar in daylight, and you see people on their way to work, or jogging. And they look at you-and they know. And they say … Whos Ruby?

Lets be honest, if youre 19 and you stay up all night, its like a victory like youve beat the night, but if youre over 30, then that sun is like Gods flashlight. We all say the same prayer then, I swear, I will never do this again (how long?) as long as I live! And some of us have that little addition, and this time, I mean it!

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