The top 15 features of a Windows Car

Damage from frequent crashes greatly limited by agonizingly slow speeds.

MS-AAA mysteriously knows where you are and what you ran into before you even call.

Lets you e-mail viruses to jerks who cut you off in traffic.

Sure, you *own* the car — but your nerdy 17-year-old nephew is the only one who can figure out how to drive it.

Engine trouble? Just execute a Ctrl+Alt+Honk and the car repairs itself.

Crowby, the annoying, animated crowbar, keeps changing the radio station.

It doesnt matter how good it is, those techno-snobs with the free Linux cars always look down on you.

Its a royal pain to try to pull into a non-Microsoft gas station.

Now only takes THREE MINUTES to start.

Whenever you leave your driveway, the little paperclip guy jumps out of the glove box and says, It looks like youre going to work! Can I help?

You have to reinstall the entire engine once a month.

After putting it in park, it shakes and rattles for a couple minutes before you finally get the signal that its safe to turn off the engine.

Despite reassurances of improved security from Microsoft, hackers can easily gain entry by simply using the door handles.

You cant lend it to someone else; they have to purchase their own.

You have to pull to the side of the road, turn off and restart the engine whenever you change CDs.

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