Did you know that hanging lights on a Christmas tree is one of the three most stressful situations in an on-going relationship?

Sixs Psychiatrist claims the other two danger zones are teaching your mate to drive and wallpapering. (He is rarely wrong on these things.) We rush to print with an emergency prompt list of Things Not To Say When Hanging Lights on the Christmas Tree.

Youve got two red lights right next to each other, dummy. Youre supposed to go yellow, green, red, blue, not yellow, red, red, green, blue…

Up a little higher. You can reach it. Go on, try.

What the heck do you do to these lights when you put them away every year? Tie them in knot?

Come away from that aluminum ladder, kids. Im going to fry that sucker.

If youre not going to do it right, dont do it at all. Dont just throw them on, like you do the icicles. Youre worse than your father.

Give me that!

Youve got the whole thing on the tree upside-down. The electric pluggee thing should be down here at the bottom, not up at the top.

I dont care if you have found another two strings, Im done!

Youve just wound em around and around – I thought we agreed it shouldnt look like a spiral this year?

Have you been drinking?

Wheres the cat?