You know youre drinking too much coffee when…

You answer the door before people knock. Juan Valdez named his donkey after you. You ski uphill. You grind your coffee beans in your mouth. You havent blinked since the last lunar eclipse. You lick your coffeepot clean. Youre the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you dont even work there. Your eyes stay open when you sneeze. You chew on other peoples fingernails. Your T-shirt says, Decaffeinated coffee is the devils blend. You can type sixty words per minute… with your feet. You can jump-start your car without cables. Cocaine is a downer. All your kids are named Joe. You dont need a hammer to pound nails. Your only source of nutrition comes from Sweet & Low. You dont sweat, you percolate. You buy 1/2 & 1/2 by the barrel. Youve worn out the handle on your favorite mug. You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee. You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize its not plugged in. You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them. Youve built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers. People get dizzy just watching you. Youve worn the finish off your coffee table. The Tasters Choice couple wants to adopt you. Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house. Your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava lamp. Instant coffee takes too long. When someone says. How are you?, you say, Good to the last drop. You want to be cremated just so you can spend the rest of eternity in a coffee can. Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil. Youre offended when people use the word brew to mean beer. You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug. You can thread a sewing machine, while its running. You can outlast the Energizer bunny. You short out motion detectors. You dont even wait for the water to boil anymore. Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale. You think being called a drip is a compliment. You dont tan, you roast. You cant even remember your second cup. You help your dog chase its tail.