05
Dec

Toronto Luck

Copy of a Toronto farmers reply to a letter of demand from the Tax Office:

Dear Sir,

Your final tax demand arrived this morning. You say that you cannot understand why this account has not been settled.

Well – here are the reasons :

In 1985 I bought a small sawmill on credit

In 1986 I bought a timber wagon, a team of horses, two ponies, a double-barelled shotgun and two razor-backed hogs – all on credit.

In 1988 the bloody mill burned down leaving not a damned thing. One of my ponies died. The other pony I loaned to a neighbor who, I later found out, knew nothing about animals and starved the poor bugger to death. I then joined the Church.

In 1989 my father died and my brother was jailed for rape. A tramp seduced my daughter and made her pregnant. I had to pay the dirty bastard $500 to prevent him becoming a relative.

In 1990 one of my boys got the mumps. It affected his balls so badly he had to be castrated to save his life. Later that year while out fishing, the rubber dinghy overturned drowning two of my boys – neither being the castrated one.

In 1991 my wife ran off with a sheepshearer, leaving me with newly born twins as a souvenir. I employed a housekeeper whom I later married (to keep down expenses.) I had one hell of a job trying to make her pregnant. I saw my doctor who advised me that I should create some excitement at the crucial moment. That night I took the shotgun to bed with me and, at the time I thought she was right, I leaned out of the bed, and fired the gun out of the window.

Result – my wife shit the bed, I ruptured myself, and I shot the best milking cow I ever had.

In 1992 someone cut the nuts off my prize bull. I was buggered completely and took to drink.

I carried on drinking until all I had left in the world was a pocket watch and a weak bladder. Winding the watch and running for a piss kept me busy for quite a while.

After a time, I pulled myself together and bought, again on credit, a manure spreader, a reaper, a binder and another cow. Then the floods came and washed the whole bloody lot away. I was not insured.

My wife got VD from a travelling salesman, and another son, while taking a crap when working in the far field, wiped his arse on a poisoned rabbit skin and died from the infection. Again, it was not the castrated one.

You will imagine my surprise by reading that YOU will cause me trouble if I do not pay up! If you can think of any trouble that I may have missed out on, I would very much like to hear about it.

Trying to get money out of me is like trying to poke butter up a porcupines ass with a red hot poker.

Yours for more credit

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