How do you get holy water?

Boil the hell out of it.

What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall?

Dam!

What do prisoners use to call each other?

Cell phones

What do you call a boomerang that doesnt work?

A stick

What do you call cheese that isnt yours?

Nacho cheese

What do you get from a pampered cow?

Spoiled milk

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?

Frostbite

What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy and if it fell out of a tree it would kill you?

A pool table.

Why do bagpipers walk when they play?

Theyre trying to get away from the noise.

Whats the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?

The taste.

What is a polygon?

A dead parrot.

How do you stop an elephant from charging?

Take away its credit cards.

Whats the difference between boogers and spinach?

You cant get kids to eat spinach.

What did the horse say when he fell?

Ive fallen and I cant giddy up!

What do you call someone who doesnt fart in public?

A private tutor.

What do you call a sleeping cow?

A bulldozer.

What do you call a blind deer?

No eye deer?

What do you call a blind deer with no legs?

Still no eye deer?

What goes tick tick woof woof?

A watch dog.

Why is it hard for a ghost to tell a lie?

You can see right through him.

What goes vroom screech vroom screech vroom screech?

A blonde going through a blinking red light.

Why do farts smell?

So deaf people can enjoy them too.