General Motors doesnt have a help line for people who dont know how to
drive, because people dont buy cars like they buy computers – but imagine if
they did…

Conversation #1

Helpline: General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?

Customer: I got in my car and closed the door, and nothing happened!

Helpline: Did you put the key in the ignition and turn it?

Customer: Whats an ignition?

Helpline: Its a starter motor that draws current from your battery and turns
over the engine.

Customer: Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine? How come I have to know all of
these technical terms just to use my car?

Conversation #2

Helpline: General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?

Customer: My car ran fine for a week, and now it wont go anywhere!

Helpline: Is the gas tank empty?

Customer: Huh? How do I know?

Helpline: Theres a little gauge on the front panel, with a needle, and
markings from E to F. Where is the needle pointing?

Customer: I see an E but no F.

Helpline: You see the E and just to the right is the F.

Customer: No, just to the right of the first E is a V.

Helpline: A V?

Customer: Yeah, theres a C, an H, the first E, then a V,
followed by R, O, L …

Helpline: No, no, no sir! thats the front of the car. When you sit behind the
steering wheel, thats the panel Im talking about.

Customer: That steering wheel thingy – Is that the round thing that honks the
horn?

Helpline: Yes, among other things.

Customer: The needles pointing to E. What does that mean?

Helpline: It means that you have to visit a gasoline vendor and purchase some
more gasoline. You can install it yourself, or pay the vendor to install it for
you.

Customer: What? I paid $12,000 for this car! Now you tell me that I have to
keep buying more components? I want a car that comes with everything built in!

Conversation #3

Helpline: General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?

Customer: Your cars suck!

Helpline: Whats wrong?

Customer: It crashed, thats what went wrong!

Helpline: What were you doing?

Customer: I wanted to go faster, so I pushed the accelerator pedal all the way
to the floor. It worked for a while, and then it crashed – and now it wont
even start up!

Helpline: Im sorry, sir, but its your responsibility if you misuse the
product.

Customer: Misuse it? I was just following this stupid manual of yours. It said
to make the car go to put the transmission in D and press the accelerator
pedal. thats exactly what I did — now the dumb things crashed.

Helpline: Did you read the entire operators manual before operating the car
sir?

Customer: What? Of course I did! I told you I did everything the
manual said and it didnt work!

Helpline: Didnt you attempt to slow down so you wouldnt crash?

Customer: How do you do that?

Helpline: You said you read the entire manual, sir. its on page 14. The pedal
next to the accelerator.

Customer: Well, I dont have all day to sit around and read this manual you
know.

Helpline: Of course not. What do you expect us to do about it?

Customer: I want you to send me one of the latest versions that goes fast and
wont crash anymore!

Conversation #4

Helpline: General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?

Customer: Hi! I just bought my first car, and I chose your car because it has
automatic transmission, cruise control, power steering, power brakes, and power
door locks.

Helpline: Thanks for buying our car. How can I help you?

Customer: How do I work it?

Helpline: Do you know how to drive?

Customer: Do I know how to what?

Helpline: Do you know how to drive?

Customer: Im not a technical person! I just want to go places in my car!