Dear Dr. RAM
I have a computer with a Pentium 133 CPU. I want to increase the speed, but I have no money to spend on an upgrade. What do you advise?
— Speed Fiend

Dear Speed,
Ask you doctor to prescribe you something to slow down your metabolism. Take the medicine and wait for a couple of hours. Then switch your computer on and you will notice a dramatic increase in speed and overall performances.

Dear Dr. RAM,
I bought a $ 5,000 notebook, with batteries guaranteed to last for six hours. They did actually last for about that long, after which the computer went dead. What shall I do? Shall I try and change the batteries?
— Out Of Power

Dear Out,
From your description, I believe that you bought a disposable notebook and therefore there is nothing you can do. However, you are in luck: I happen to collect disposable notebooks, even if they have no use whatsoever. Send me your machine and I shall mail you $50, so you will not suffer a total loss. No, dont thank me, its quite all right.