Improving Olympic security

The events of Sept. 11th have prompted a security overhaul for the 2002 Winter Olympics in Salt Lake City.

Among the measures:

Testing athletes urine for traces of terrorism

Eliminating Mens 200m Embassy Bomb event

Turning Salt Lake City into hyper-paranoid, walled-off religious compound

Assigning athletes from Arab nations around-the-clock security buddy

All open flames to be immediately extinguished

Investigating any and all reports of fine white powder

Strictly prohibiting foreigners from Olympic village

Warning athletes not to make any sudden movements

Hoping that terrorists, like everyone else, have no desire to visit Salt Lake City

© Copyright 2001 Onion, Inc.

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