20
Nov

Canadian seasons

In Canada we have two Seasons…six months of winter and six months of poor snowmobiling.

20
Nov

A Mother Cow

What do you call a mother cow that lost her calf?

Decafinated

20
Nov

2 married couple jokes

Hubby : You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?

Wife : When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.

Hubby : You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?

Wife : Yes, I see your picture and say to myself – What other problem can there be greater than this one?

Wife : Youre gonna be really sorry! Im going to LEAVE you!

Hubby : Make up your mind! Which one is it gonna be?

20
Nov

The Potty Wisdom of Confucious

Confucious say, Its better to be pissed off than to be pissed on!

20
Nov

New Virgin

A woman was going to marry one of those guys that wanted a virgin.

Since she was not, she went to a doctor to reconstruct her hymen.

The doctor told her it would cost around $500, but there was

another way that would cost only $50.

The woman agreed to try the cheap way, paid the money, and the

doctor worked on her for several minutes.

After the first night of intimacy, the woman came back to the

doctor and told him that it was perfect. The pain, the blood,

everything was there. And she asked him how he did it.

Simple…I tied your pubic hairs together!

20
Nov

Win the lottery

A
broke blonde decides to ask God for help. Dear Lord, she
prays, if I dont get some cash, Im gonna lose
everything. Please let me win the lottery.

Lottery night comes, but the blonde doesnt win. She prays even harder, saying, God,
why have you forsaken me? My children are starving. Please just let me win this
once.

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light, and the blonde hears God speak.

Sweetheart, work with me on this, he says. Buy a ticket.

20
Nov

Three notty roommates

While attending confession, the first of three roommates admitted to the priest that she had let a man fondle her breasts. The priest told her to wash them with holy water.

The second roomie confessed that she had touched a mans sexual organ. The priest told her to wash her hands with holy water.

The two girls were busy washing at the holy water when their friend joined them. Move over, girls, she said I have to gargle.

20
Nov

Clintons Son

What happened to Chelsea Clintons younger brother?

Monica swallowed him!

20
Nov

Doomed people (part1)

Sometimes, it seems like some people are just plain *doomed*. If you dont believe it, consider these weird incidents: *A fierce gust of wind blew 45-year-old Vittorio Luises car into a river near Naples, Italy, in 1983. He managed to break a window, climb out and swim to shore — where a tree blew over and killed him. *Mike Stewart, 31, of Dallas was filming a movie in 1983 on the dangers of low-level bridges when the truck he was standing on passed under a low-level bridge — killing him. *Walter Hallas, a 26-year-old store clerk in Leeds, England, was so afraid of dentists that in 1979 he asked a fellow worker to try to cure his toothache by punching him in the jaw. The punch caused Hallas to fall down, hitting his head, and he died of a fractured skull. *George Schwartz, owner of a factory in Providence, R.I., narrowly escaped death when a 1983 blast flattened his factory except for one wall. After treatment for minor injuries, he returned to the scene to search for files. The remaining wall then collapsed on him, killing him. *Depressed since he could not find a job, 42-year-old Romolo Ribolla sat in his kitchen near Pisa, Italy, with a gun in his hand threatening to kill himself in 1981. His wife pleaded for him not to do it, and after about an hour he burst into tears and threw the gun to the floor. It went off and killed his wife. *A man hit by a car in New York in 1977 got up uninjured, but lay back down in front of the car when a bystander told him to pretend he was hurt so he could collect insurance money. The car rolled forward and crushed him to death. *Surprised while burgling a house in Antwerp, Belgium, a thief fled out the back door, clambered over a nine-foot wall, dropped down and found himself in the city prison.

20
Nov

The betting with a blonde

A blonde and a brunette were watching the 11:00pm news. The current news story was about a man up on a ledge and threatening to jump, when the station cuts to a commercial.

Brunette: I bet you $20 hes going to jump.

Blonde: OK.

(Back to newscast : He jumped!)

Blonde: OK. I lost. Heres my $20 to you.

Brunette: No, that was too easy. I cant take it.

Blonde: I insist. I lost.

Brunette: I have a confession to make. I saw the same thing on the 6:00 p.m. news and I knew he jumped. So it wasnt really a good bet.

Blonde: I know, I saw the same newscast at 6 too. But I didnt think hed be stupid enough to jump TWICE!

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