Old Jokes | New Jokes

TOP TEN THINGS MEN SHOULDNT SAY OUT LOUD AT VICTORIAS SECRET

10. Does this come in childrens sizes?

9. No thanks, just sniffing

8. Ill be in the dressing room going blind

7. Mom will love this

6. Oh size wont matter, shes inflatable.

5. No need to wrap it, Ill eat it here

4. Will you model this for me?

3. The Miracle what?!? This is better than world peace!!

2. $45 bucks?! Youre just gonna end up naked anyway!!!!

And the number one thing that a man should NEVER, EVER say out loud in Victorias Secret is:

1. Oh honey, youll never squeeze your fat ass into that!!!!!!

If you cant find a screwdriver, use a knife. If you break off the tip, its an improved screwdriver.

Try to work alone, an audience is rarely any help.

Despite what you may have been told by your mother, praying and cursing are both helpful in home repair … but only if you are working alone.

Work in the kitchen whenever you can… many fine tools are there. Its warm and dry, and you are close to the refrigerator.

If its electronic, get a new one, or consult a twelve-year-old.

Stay simple minded, Plug it in, Get a new battery, Replace the bulb or fuse, See if the tank is empty, Try turning it to the on switch, or Just paint over it.

Always take credit for miracles. If you dropped the alarm clock while taking it apart, and it suddenly starts working, you have healed it.

Regardless what people say, kicking, pounding, throwing, and shaking sometimes DOES help.

If something looks level, it is level.

If at first you dont succeed, redefine sccess.

Above all, if what youve done is stupid, but it works, it aint stupid!

Four college alumni were climbing a mountain one day. Each was from a different Big Ten school and each proclaimed to be the most loyal of all fans at their alma mater.
As they climbed higher, they argued as to which one of them was the most loyal of all. They continued to argue all the way up the mountain, and finally as they reached the top, the Boilermaker hurled himself off the mountain, shouting, This is for Purdue! as he fell to his doom. Not wanting to be out done, the Wildcat threw himself off the mountain proclaiming, This is for Northwestern! Seeing this, the Buckeye walked over and shouted, This is for everyone!!! and pushed the Wolverine off the side of the mountain.

Three bulls heard via the grapevine that the rancher was going to bring yet another bull onto the ranch, and the prospect raised a discussion among them.

First Bull: Boys, we all know Ive been here 5 years. Once we settled our differences, we agreed on which 100 of the cows would be mine. Now, I dont know where this newcomer is going to get HIS cows, but I aint givin him any of mine.

Second Bull: That pretty much says it for me, too. Ive been here 3 years and have earned my right to the 50 cows weve agreed are mine. Ill fight em till I run him off or kill im, but I AM KEEPIN ALL MY COWS.

Third Bull: Ive only been here a year, and so far you guys have only let me have 10 cows to take care of. I may not be as big as you fellows (yet) but I am young and virile, so I simply MUST keep all MY cows.

They had just finished their big talk when an eighteen-wheeler pulls up in the middle of the pasture with only ONE ANIMAL IN IT: the biggest Son-of-Another-Bull these guys had ever seen! At 4700 pounds, each step he took toward the ground strained the steel ramp to the breaking point.

First Bull: You know, its actually been some time since I really felt I was doing all my cows justice, anyway. I think I can spare a few for our new friend.

Second Bull: Ill have plenty of cows to take care of if I just stay on the opposite end of the pasture from HIM. Im certainly not looking for an argument.

They look over at their young friend, the 3rd bull, and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns, and snorting — the bulls equivalent of an Apes beating his chest or Mans bone-chilling, war-like cry of Stay away from my Woman, Vato!!

First Bull: Son, let me give you some advice real quick. Let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it.

Third Bull: Hell , Mister, he can have ALL MY COWS.

Im just making sure he knows IM a bull!

Attempt to take the order-takers order.

(Hi, may I take your order?) before they get a chance to take yours.

Order confusing items, i.e.,

Hi, Ill have a large orange Coke and asmall medium fries, please.

When you arrive at the window to pick up your food, hand them several bags of garbage & ask if theyll dispose of it for you. Make sure it smells.

Speak in such a garbled fashion that the order-taker will think there is a problem with the speaker and ask you to order at the window. When you arrive at the window, speak in the same garbled, incomprehensible fashion.

Drive through with someone on the hood to accept the food.

Bring along a Mr. Microphone. When the order-taker speaks, aim the mic at their speaker but do so while aiming the Mr. Microphone speaker at the mic to produce excruciating feedback of their own voice.

Have a friend hide in the trunk. When you approach the window to pickup your order, have him start yelling and banging his fists on the trunk.

If you are a male, have a female friend place the order by speaking VERY seductively and suggestively into the speaker. When she finishes, have her hide and pull up to accept your order. See how many of the order-takers fellow employees have been called over to the window to check out the babe.

Two guys were sitting at a bar on the 40th floor of a skyscraper and were totally plastered.
The first guy said, Hey, Ill bet you a million bucks that I can jump out of this window, fly around the building, and land right here next to you!
Being so totally wasted, plus hearing a completely impossible bet, the 2nd guy replied, YOURE ON!
So the first guy jumped out of the window, flew around the building, and came right back to the same spot. WOW, screamed the 2nd guy, That was incredible. Do it again!
So the first guy jumped out of the window, flew around the building, and landed right next to his friend. That is remarkable. Do it one more time!"

Ok, said the first guy, But if I do it again, when I come back you have to do it."
The second man agreed, and with that, once again, the first jumped out, flew around, and came back. Your turn, he said.

So the 2nd guy stepped up to the window. This is easy. He did it, so can I!"
The much pumped second man, took a deep breath, and heaved his body out the window. He fell straight to the ground and died instantly upon impact. Calmly the first man walked back to the bar and ordered another beer.
The bartender remarked, You sure are mean when youre drunk, Superman!

(Soviet leader Mikhail Gorbachev and Foreign Secretary Eduard Shevardnadze
met on the eve of the recent super-power summit.)

What can we do to impress the Americans? Gorbachev asked
Shevardnadze.

Replied the foreign secretary: Well, we could open the gates of
the Soviet Union for 24 hours.

Dont be crazy, Gorbachev replied. Everybody would go and
it would leave only the two of us sitting here.

Speak for yourself, shot back Shevardnadze.

Your so old you have to put your d*ck in the freezer to get it hard.

1) In the middle of class, run to the middle of the room screaming, Im on fire! Roll around vigorously.
2) Get up to sharpen your pencil as much as possible.
3) Ask your teacher how good their spouse was last night.
4) Talk in a strong English accent.
5) Walk into class halfway through, saying, Arent you glad I decided to come today?
6) In the middle of a lesson, jump up holding a Game Boy above your head and scream, I win!
7) Pick your nose, show it to your friends and say loudly, Mmm, never seen that shape before.
But I have to go reeeaaallly bad!
9) During a multiple-choice test, read the answers out loud as you go along.
10) Repeat everything the teacher says in the form of a question (Sheesh, so America won the Revolutionary War?).
11) At lunch, insist on being served caviar.
12) Hide in your locker and refuse to come out.
13) I was never told there was going to be a test.
14) Bring your pet goldfish.
15) Throw chalk at the chalkboard and insist on counting how many pieces it breaks into.
16) Laugh hysterically whenever anybody says anything.
17) Splash water on the armpit area of your shirt and walk around with your hands behind your head.
18) During a private conversation with a teacher, suddenly shout, No I will not have sex with you!
19) Point and laugh at all the fat kids.
20) Strike up a conversation with your pen.

Whats the difference between the government and the Mafia? One of them is organized.