26
May

How Specs Live Forever

The US Standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. Thats an exceedingly odd number. Why was that gauge used? Because thats the way they built them in England, and the US railroads were built by English expatriates. Why did the English people build them like that? Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and thats the gauge they used.

Why did they use that gauge then? Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing. Okay! Why did the wagons use that odd wheel spacing? Well, if they tried to use any other spacing the wagons would break on some of the old, long distance roads, because thats the spacing of the old wheel ruts.

So who built these old rutted roads? The first long distance roads in Europe were built by Imperial Rome for the benefit of their legions. The roads have been used ever since. And the ruts? The initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagons, were first made by Roman war chariots. Since the chariots were made for or by Imperial Rome they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing.

Thus, we have the answer to the original questions. The United State standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches derives from the original specification for an Imperial Roman army war chariot.

Specs and Bureaucracies live forever. So, the next time you are handed a specification and wonder what horses ass came up with it, you may be exactly right. Because the Imperial Roman chariots were made to be just wide enough to accommodate the back-ends of two war horses.

26
May

Air Mattress

Q: What do you call a hundred blondes stacked up on each other? A: An air mattress.

26
May

Boothon ki baatein

Two ghosts were having a conversasion in the graveyard.
the 1st one said yeh insaan log na…..
the other one interupted saying dekho,yeh insaan-vinsaan kuch nahin hota

26
May

Actual Answering Machine Messages

Actual answering machine answers recorded and verified by the world-famous International Institute of Answering Machine Answers…

~~~~~

My wife and I cant come to the phone right now, but if youll leave your name and number, well get back to you as soon as were finished.

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A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why were not here. So leave a message.

~~~~~

Hi. This is John. If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didnt lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, dont worry, I have plenty of money.

~~~~~

Hi, Im not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep.

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Hi! Johns answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and Ill stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.

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Hello, this is Sallys microwave. Her answering machine just eloped with her tape deck, so Im stuck with taking her calls. Say, if you want anything cooked while you leave your message, just hold it up to the phone.

~~~~~

Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken. If youre still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.

~~~~~

This is not an answering machine — this is a telepathic thought- recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling and a number where I can reach you, and Ill think about returning your call.

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Hi. I am probably home. Im just avoiding someone I dont like. Leave me a message, and if I dont call back, its you.

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Hi, this is George. Im sorry I cant answer the phone right now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back.

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If you are a burglar, then were probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and cant come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably arent home and its safe to leave us a message.

~~~~~

Youre growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a message.

~~~~~

Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.

~~~~~

Hello, youve reached Jim and Sonya. We cant pick up the phone right now, because were doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right … real slowly. So leave a message, and when were done brushing our teeth, well get back to you.




26
May

A million dollars from god

A young man was talking to God. How long is a million years to You? he asked.

A million years to Me is like a single second to you, God replied.

How much is a million dollars to You? the young man asked.

A million dollars to Me is like a penny to you, God replied.

In that case, the young man ventured, Could I have one of Your pennies?

Certainly, My Son, God replied. Just a second.

26
May

WWJD – What would Jesus drive?

Most people assume WWJD is for What would Jesus do?. But the initials really stand for What would Jesus drive?

One theory is that Jesus would tool around in an old Plymouth because the Bible says God drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden of Eden in a Fury.

But in Psalm 83, the Almighty clearly owns a Pontiac and a Geo. The passage urges the Lord to pursue your enemies with your Tempest and terrify them with your Storm.

Perhaps God favors Dodge pickup trucks, because Moses followers are warned not to go up a mountain until the Rams horn sounds a long blast.

Some scholars insist that Jesus drove a Honda but didnt like to talk about it. As proof, they cite a verse in St. Johns gospel where Christ tells the crowd, For I did not speak of my own Accord…

Meanwhile, Moses rode an old British motorcycle, as evidenced by a Bible passage declaring that the roar of Moses Triumph is heard in the hills.

Joshua drove a Triumph sports car with a hole in its muffler: Joshuas Triumph was heard throughout the land. And, following the Masters lead, the Apostles car pooled in a Honda … The Apostles were in one Accord.

This material is lifted from copyrighted columns written by Scott Ostler of the San Francisco Chronicle and Roy Rivenburg of www.offkilter.org and the Los Angeles Times. Originally published on their Sept. 6, 2000, column, which was syndicated by Creators Syndicate and is available here.

26
May

Job well done!

A man and woman were celebrating their 50 year anniversary. That night, the woman comes out of the bathroom completely naked and looks at her husband who is already in bed. She says, Honey, 50 years ago tonight, when I came out of the bathroom with no clothes on, what were you thinking?

He said, I was thinking that I wanted to suck your titties dry and fuck you until you couldnt think straight. She smiled at him and said, So what are you thinking now?

He said, I think I did a pretty good job!

26
May

Where theres a will…

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years.

He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a
set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.

The gentleman replied, Oh, I havent told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. Ive changed my will three times in the last week alone!

26
May

Young Salesman

A married woman is having an affair. Whenever her lover comes over, she puts her nine year old son in the closet. One day the woman hears a car in the driveway and puts her lover in the closet, as well.



Inside the closet, the little boy says, Its dark in here, isnt it?

Yes it is, the man replies.

You wanna buy a baseball? the little boy asks.

No thanks, the man replies.

I think you do want to buy a baseball, the little extortionist continues.

OK. How much? the man replies after considering the position he is in.



Twenty-five dollars, the little boy replies.

TWENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?! the man repeats incredulously, but complies to protect his hidden position.



The following week, the lover is visiting the woman again when she hears a car in the driveway and, again, places her lover in the closet with her little boy.

Its dark in here, isnt it? the boy starts off.

Yes it is, replies the man.

Wanna buy a baseball glove? the little boy asks.

OK. How much? the hiding lover responds, acknowledging his disadvantage.

Fifty dollars, the boy replies and the transaction is completed..



The next weekend, the little boys father says Hey, son.

Go get your ball and glove and well play some catch.

I cant. I sold them, replies the little boy.

How much did you get for them? asks the father, expecting to hear

the profit in terms of lizards and candy.

Seventy-five dollars, the little boy says.

SEVENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?! Thats thievery! Im taking you to the church right now. You must confess your sin and ask for forgiveness, the father explains as he hauls the child away.



At the church, the little boy goes into the confessional, draws the curtain, sits down, and says Its dark in here, isnt it?



Dont you start that crap in here, the priest says.

26
May

Political oneliners (GOP, Demos)

From Contemporary Comedy

This is the third anniversary of Bill Clintons election, and you know, looking back, I think the country was better off when Hillary was President.

If you put Ross Perots ears and Bill Clintons nose and put it on Phil Gramms face, youd have – Mr. Potatohead!

Most Americans oppose the Republican Medicare plan – mostly the ones who plan to get old someday.

Congressmen have been bought and sold so many times they should have bar codes.

For more freebies: http://home.navisoft.com/ha/comedy.htm