Rookie Pitcher

A rookie pitcher was struggling at the mound, so the catcher walked up to have a talk with him."Ive figured out your problem," he told the young southpaw. "You always lose control at the same point in every game." "When is that?" "Right after the National Anthem."


Orange and Banana

Knock Knock!

Whos there?


Banana who?

Knock Knock!

Whos there?


Banana who?

Knock Knock!

Whos there?


Banana who?

Knock Knock!

Whos there?


Orange who?

Orange you glad I didnt say Banana!


Sure signs its your last day at work.

You hand a bank teller an envelope, and when she asks, Whats this?, you suddenly realize you just dropped the companys deposit in a mailbox and gave her your mail.

As a woman comes into the store, you turn to the other salesman and say, I waited on the last fat ugly old lady. This ones your turn!

Your boss is standing behind you. And its his wife.

While your boss is at lunch, you sneak in and look at some confidential information on his computer. You spill coffee on the keyboard. It shorts out and youre the only coffee drinker there.

You return from a weeks vacation to find that you had scheduled *this* week as vacation, not last week.

You take a sick day. The next morning the boss asks you, So, how was the fishing on Rock Creek yesterday?

You wake up hung over.

You have a black eye and barked knuckles.

Your underwear is missing.

Youre in jail.

Last night was the company Christmas party.


Learn your ABCs – Mom Style!

A – Adult: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.

B – BATHROOM: A room used by the entire family, believed by all except Mom to be self-cleaning.

C – COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

D – DATE: Infrequent outings with Dad where Mom can enjoy worrying about the kids in a different setting.


F – FABLE: A story told by a teenager arriving home after curfew.

G – GUM: Adhesive for the hair.

H – HINDSIGHT: What Mom experiences from changing too many diapers.

I – INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

J – JUNK: Dads stuff.

K – KISS: Moms medicine.

L – LEMONADE STAND: Complicated business venture where Mom buys powdered mix, sugar, lemons, and paper cups, and sets up a table, chairs, pitchers and ice for kids who sit there for three to six minutes and next a profit of 15 cents.

M – MAYBE: No.

N – Nail Polish: part of an assortment of make-up items such as lipstick, eyeliner, blush etc. which ironically make Mom look better while making her young daughter look like a tramp.

O – OVERSTUFFED RECLINER: Moms nickname for Dad.

P – PANIC: What a mother goes through when the darn wind-up swing stops.

Q – QUIET: A state of household serenity which occurs before the birth of the first child and occurs again after the last child has left for college.

R – REFRIGERATOR: Combination art gallery and air-conditioner for the kitchen.

S – SPOILED ROTTEN: What the kids become after as little as 15 minutes with Grandma.


U – UNDERWEAR: An article of clothing, the cleanliness of which ensures the wearer will never have an accident.

V – VACATION: Where you take the family to get away from it all, only to find it there, too.

W – WALLS: Complete set of drawing paper for kids that comes with every room.

X – XOXOXOXOXO: Mom salutation guaranteed to make the already embarrassing note in a kids lunch box even more mortifying.

Y – YIPPEE!: What mothers shout the first day of school.

Z – ZUCCHINI: Vegetable which can be baked, boiled, fried or steamed before kids refuse to eat it.


Cat Food

A woman is enjoying a good game of bridge with her girlfriends one evening.
Oh, no! I have to rush home and fix dinner for my husband! Hes going to really be ticked if its not ready on time.
When she gets home, she realizes she doesnt have enough time to go to the supermarket,and all she has in the cupboard is a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg, and a can of cat food.
In a panic, she opens the can of cat food, stirs in the egg, and garnishes it with the lettuce leaf just as her husband is pulling up.
She greets her husband and then watches in horror as he sits down to his dinner.
To her surprise, the husband is really enjoying his dinner. Darling, this is the best dinner you have made for me in forty years of marriage. You can make this for me any old day.
Needless to say, every bridge night from then on, the woman made her husband the same dish.
She told her bridge cronies about it and they were all horrified. Youre going to kill him! they exclaimed.
Two months later, her husband died .
The women were sitting around the table playing bridge when one of the cronies said, You killed him! We told you that feeding him that cat food every week would do him in! How can you just sit there so calmly and play bridge knowing you murdered your husband?
The wife stoically replied, I didnt kill him! He fell off the mantel while he was licking himself.


Join A Club

The Yoko Club? – Oh no.

The German philosophy club? – I. Kant.

The Ford-Nixon club? – Pardon me?

The Arafat club? – Yessir.

The Alzheimers club? – Forget it.

The Ebert movie club? – Roger.

The Groucho Marx club? – You bet your life.

The Peter Pan club? – Never. Never.

The Japanese theater club? – Noh.

The quarterback club? – Ill pass.

The Rhett Butler club? – I dont give a damn.

The compulsive rhymers club? – Okey-dokey.

The Spanish optometrists club? – Si.

The anti-perspirant club? – Sure.

The pregnancy club? – Conceivably.

The Procrastinators Club? – Maybe next week

The Self Esteem Builders? – They wouldnt accept me anyway

The Agoraphobics Society? – Only if they meet at my house

The Co-Dependence Club? – Can I bring a friend?

The Prayer Group? – God willing!


A Womans Scorn

A woman came home just in time to find her husband in bed
with another woman. With superhuman strength borne of
fury, she dragged her husband down the stairs to the
garage and put his penis in a vise. She then secured it
tightly and removed the handle.Next she picked up a hacksaw.The husband terrified, screamed, Stop! Stop! Youre not
going to cut it off are you?The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, said, Nope.
You are. Im going to set the garage on fire.


Redneck Birth Control

Two redneck wives were drinking tea and the one noticed that the other was pregnant.

We dont have to worry about that! said one, pointing to her friends tummy. For years now we are using the Bucket and saucer method of contraception.

And what may that be? asked the pregnant one.

You see, my husband is quite short. So we do it standing up and he stands on a bucket to reach. So I watch him, and when his eyes get big as saucers, I kick the bucket out from under him!


A Roomful of Rednecks

What do you get when you have 32 rednecks in a room? A full set of teeth.


Dying Wives!

I was married 3 times explained the man to a newly discovered drinking partner, and Ill never marry again. My first 2 wives died of eating poison mushrooms and my 3rd wife died of a fractured skull.

Thats a shame. said his friend , How did it happen?

She wouldnt eat the fucking mushrooms!

Page 2 of 3,79812345...102030...Last »