23
Jul

Osama bin Laden, feeling sickly and concerned about his mortality..

…consults a psychic about the date of his impending death. Closing her eyes, and silently reaching into the future realm, she finds the answer.
“You will die on an American holiday.” “Which one?” bin Laden asks nervously. “Doesn’t matter,” replied the psychic. “Whenever you die, it will be an American holiday!”

23
Jul

Escaping from a lion

Two guys in a jungle, come around a corner and meet a lion head-on pawing the ground.

One guy ever so carefully reaches into his knapsack and slowly takes out a set of Nike running shoes, never once breaking eye contact with the lion.

2nd guy hisses: What are you doing, you cant outrun the lion 1st guy says: No, but all I have to do is outrun you!

23
Jul

Perfect Story

There was a perfect man who met a perfect woman. After a perfect courtship,they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect.

One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve this perfect couple was driving along a winding road when they noticed someone at the roadside in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help.



There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident.



Only one of them survived the accident. Who was the survivor?



The perfect woman.

Shes the only one that really existed in the first place.

Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man..



* A Males Response *



So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident.

23
Jul

Even gorillas need love

This story is an old one, popular with zoo veterinarians (Im told).

A certain zoo had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few
weeks the gorilla, a female, became very ornery, and difficult to handle.
Upon examination, the zoo veterinarian determined the problem: she was
in heat. What what to do? There was no male of this species available.

While reflecting on their problem, the zoo administrators noticed Mike,
a JEDR responsible for cleaning the animals cages. Now Mike, it was
rumored, possessed ample ability to satisfy any female, and he wasnt very
bright. So the zoo administrators thought they might have a solution.
Perhaps they could entice Mike to satisfy the female gorilla. So he was
approached with a proposition: would he be willing to screw the gorilla–
for five hundred bucks? Mike replied that he might be interested, but
would have to think the matter over.

The following day, Mike announced that he would accept their offer,
but only under three conditions: First, he said, I dont want to
have to kiss her, and Second, I want nothing to do with any offspring
that may result from this union.

The zoo administration quickly acceded to these conditions, but what
could be the third? Well, said Mike, Youve gotta give me another
week to come up with the five hundred bucks.

23
Jul

Top 11 ways to have fun while driving

11. Speak in a weird language. When they say they dont understand you say Me no speak English10. Keep cutting someone off. When they yell at you say they made me do it!9. Pick a car out and follow it. When the driver looks at you say Hey wait a minute. Youre not Dad!8. If someone flicks you off look inside your car and yell back Youre right. It IS 1 oclock.7. Whenever a car trys to pass you yell Oh, its on, and pass them back.6. Whenever you see someone speed, go WHHHHOOOOOHHHHHOOOOOOOOO like a siren and follow them. 5. When someone asks for directions, point both ways. 4. When someone yells an obscenity at you say Is that you, Russell Jones? Cause if it is, im telling yo momma!3. Ask other drivers if were over the border yet. Signify that you want them to say yes.2. Two Words: Egg Salad1. My Personal Favorite: Whenever one of those guys playing really loud rap is next to you at a traffic light, roll down the windows and play classical music even louder.

23
Jul

Bitter after being snubbed for

Bitter after being snubbed for membership in the Axis of Evil, Libya, China, and Syria today announced they had formed the Axis of Just as Evil, which they said would be way eviler than that stupid Iran-Iraq-North Korea axis President Bush warned of in his State of the Union address.Axis of Evil members, however, immediately dismissed the new axis as having, for starters, a really dumb name. Right. They are Just as Evil… in their dreams!, declared North Korean leader Kim Jong-il. Everybody knows were the best evils… best at being evil… were the best.Diplomats from Syria denied they were jealous over being excluded, although they conceded they did ask if they could join the Axis of Evil. They told us it was full, said Syrian President Bashar al-Assad.An Axis cant have more than three countries, explained Iraqi President Saddam Hussein. This is not my rule, its tradition. In World War II you had Germany, Italy, and Japan in the evil Axis. So you can only have three.And a secret handshake. Ours is wicked cool.THE AXIS PANDEMICInternational reaction to Bushs Axis of Evil declaration was swift, as within minutes, France surrendered.Elsewhere, peer-conscious nations rushed to gain triumvirate status in what became a game of geopolitical chairs. Cuba, Sudan, and Serbia said they had formed the Axis of Somewhat Evil, forcing Somalia to join with Uganda and Myanmar in the Axis of Occasionally Evil, while Bulgaria, Indonesia and Russia established the Axis of Not So Much Evil Really As Just Generally Disagreeable.With the criteria suddenly expanded and all the desirable clubs filling up, Sierra Leone, El Salvador, and Rwanda applied to be called the Axis of Countries That Arent the Worst But Certainly Wont Be Asked to Host the Olympics; Canada, Mexico, and Australia formed the Axis of Nations That Are Actually Quite Nice But Secretly Have Nasty Thoughts About America, while Spain, Scotland, and New

23
Jul

A Nutty Game

A doctor at an (insane) asylum decided to take his inmates to a baseball game. For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands. When the day of the game arrived, everything seemed to be going well.
As the national anthem started, the doctor yelled, Up nuts!

And the inmates complied by standing up. After the anthem he yelled, Down nuts! And they all sat.

After a home run he yelled, Cheer nuts! And they all broke into applause and cheers.

Thinking things were going very well, he decided to go get a beer and a hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge.

When he returned there was a riot in progress. Finding his assistant, he asked what happened.

The assistant replied, Well…everything was fine until some guy walked by and yelled, PEANUTS!

23
Jul

A frog calls Psychic Hotline

A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and his Personal Psychic Advisor tells him: You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you.

The frog is thrilled, This is great! Will I meet her at a party?

No, says his Advisor, in her biology class.

23
Jul

A defendant was on trial

A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse. In the defenses closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would
probably be convicted, resorted to a trick.Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all, the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom. He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened.Finally the lawyer said, Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put to you that you have a reasonable doubt in this case as to
whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty!The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty.But how? inquired the lawyer. You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door.The jury foreman replied: Oh, we did look … but your client didnt.

23
Jul

A blackjack dealer and a

A blackjack dealer and a player with a thirteen count in his hand were arguing about whether or not it was appropriate to tip the dealer.The player said, When I get bad cards, its not the dealers fault. Accordingly, when I get good cards, the dealer obviously had nothing to do with it so, why should I tip him?The dealer said, When you eat out do you tip the waiter?Yes.Well he serves you food, Im serving you cards, so you should tip me.Okay, but the waiter gives me what I ask for. Ill take an eight.