17
Dec

Sick Coffin

A funeral procession was winding its way to the cemetery on top of the hill outside town, when the hearse hit a bump.

The coffin was bumped loose, fell out onto the road and began sliding back toward town. (It was a steep hill) It slid faster and faster. Finally, it reached the town and was skidding its way down Main St.

Suddenly, at one intersection, the coffin hit a curb, flew onto the sidewalk, smashed through the front glass window of the pharmacy, and slammed up against the prescription counter.

The lid popped off, the corpse sat up and said.. You got anything to stop this coffin?

17
Dec

Three wishes (adult themes)

A couple are out golfing when the husband hits his ball over a grove of trees and they hear the sound of breaking glass.

They hurry around the trees and see a man standing beside a broken bottle. He explains he is a genie, he was being held prisoner in the bottle, the golf ball broke it and freed him. He is very grateful and will grant them three wishes.

They both ask for a Cadillac and then decide a million dollars apiece would be ideal.

Your wishes are granted, the man says to the husband. Now that Ive granted you three wishes, I wonder if youd grant me one? Your wife is very attractive and Id love to have sex with her.

The couple talks it over and after getting two Cadillacs and a million bucks apiece, the husband says, OK, why not?

His wife and the man stroll into a nearby woods, have very enjoyable sex and then head back towards the fairway where the husband is waiting.

By the way, how old is your husband?

Hes forty two.

No kidding, and he still believes in genies?

17
Dec

The Cab Driver Goes to Heaven

A cab driver reaches the Pearly Gates andannounces his presence to St. Peter, who looks him up in his Big Book. Upon readingthe entry for the cabbie, St. Peter invites him to pick up a silk robe and a golden staff andto proceed into Heaven. A preacher is next in line behind the cabby and has been watchingthese proceedings with interest. He announces himself to St. Peter. Upon scanningthe preachers entry in the Big Book, St. Peter furrows his brow and says, "Okay,well let you in, but take that cloth robe and wooden staff." The preacher is astonished and replies, "ButI am a man of the cloth. You gave that cab driver a gold staff and a silk robe. Surely Irate higher than a cabbie." St. Peter responded matter-of-factly: "this is heaven and, up here, we are interested in results. When you preached, people slept. When the cabbie drove his taxi, people prayed."

17
Dec

Yiddishe Mamas KNOW

Yentl, a good woman, knew her son was having an affair with a ditzy shikse who was his roommate, but her son, Morris, refused to confess. She devised a plan. A week later, she got a letter from Morris:



Dear Mama,


I am not sleeping with that WASP and I know you stole the ladle. Where is it?


Love,


Morris



She wrote back:



Dear Morris,


If that shikse was sleeping where she was supposed to, she would have found it already.


Love,


Your Mama

17
Dec

Tonya Harding and Nancy Kerrigan top 10 list

From todays USA Today: Top 10 things that Nancy Kerrigan wouldnt want to hear from her Olympic roommate, Tonya Harding:

No, I insist, you go first.
Your cocoa is the one on the left, and honest, its suppose to be that color.
Well, yeah, now that you mention it, I guess the tub is kind of slippery.
I know, lets pretend youre a pinata.
Ill design the kneepad, you endorse it. Well make a foutune!
Do you have any idea how Katarina feels about prractical jokes?
Oh. I guess those dont go in the microwave.
OK, so Ive watched the shower scene from Psycho nine straight times. Whats your point?
Someone named Knuckles? For me?
Enough, already. It was only a knee!

17
Dec

A woman decides that shes

A woman decides that shes had it with trying to find a decent man in a bar. So she takes out an ad in the paper that says she is seeking a mate who is loyal, rich and a good lover. After a few days, her doorbell rings. She opens the door and sees a man in a wheelchair with no arms and no legs. He says, Im here about your ad.

Momentarily taken aback, she says, Well, how do I know that youre loyal?

Well I saved my platoon from the Viet Cong in Vietnam. Thats how I lost my arms and legs.

Well, how do I know that youre rich? she inquires.

He replies,I make over three million dollars a year. I have my own software company. You can look at my bank statement.

Looking at him in his wheelchair, she demands How do I know youre a good lover?

He shrugs I rang the doorbell didnt I?

17
Dec

Pick up and put down!

A guy goes up to this girl in a bar and says, Would you like to dance?

The girl says, I dont like this song, but even if I did, I wouldnt dance with you!

The guy says, Im sorry, you must have misunderstood me, I said you look fat in those pants!

17
Dec

Little Red Riding Hood

Little Red Riding Hood was on her way to Grandmas house when all of a sudden the big bad wolf jumps out from behind a tree!

Red Riding Hood, Im going to eat you! he growls.

Eat, eat, eat, says Little Red Riding Hood.

Doesnt anybody fuck anymore?

*******************************************

Little Red Riding Hood was on her way to Grandmas house when all of a sudden the big bad wolf jumps out from behind a tree!

Red Riding Hood, Im going to fuck you! he growls.

Little Red Riding Hood pulls a gun from her bag, points it at the wolf and says, No youre not, youre going to eat me like the story says!

17
Dec

Brain Transplant

A patient needed a brain transplant and the doctor told the family, Brains are very expensive, and you will have to pay the costs yourselves. Well, how much does a brain cost? asked the relatives. For a male brain, $500,000. For a female brain, $200,000, replied the doctor. Some of the younger male relatives tried to look shocked, but all the men nodded because they thought they understood. But the patients daughter was unsatisfied and asked, Why the difference in price between male brains and female brains? Standard pricing practice, said the doctor. Womens brains have to be marked down because theyve actually been used.

17
Dec

Hooligan Hijinx

A big hulking hooligan walks into a bar, slams his fist down, and yells "Give me a Budweiser, or…!" Scared, the bartender serves the man his Budweiser. This happens everyday for a week straight, and the bartender turns into a nervous wreck. He asks his wife for advice, and she tells him he should stand up for himself. Easier said than done, he thinks, but he decides to try it. The next day, the hooligan returns.
"Give me a Budweiser, or…!"
"O-o-o-o-r-r-r w-what?" stammers the bartender.
"A small Coke."

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