18
Mar

Question and answer blonde joke

Q: Did you hear about the blonde coyote?
A: Got stuck in a trap, chewed off three legs and was still stuck.

18
Mar

Bad News 1

Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news.

Patient: Well, might as well give me the bad news first. Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live.

Patient: 24 hours! Thats terrible! What could be worse? Whats the very bad news?

Doctor: Ive been trying to reach you since yesterday.

18
Mar

Coke

I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

18
Mar

Deaf Genie

A man walks into a bar and sees a guy with a really big lighter.

He asks the man,Where did you get such a big lighter?

The man replies,See that man playing piano over there?

Hes a genie and hell grant you one wish.

So the guy walks over to the genie and says,I wish for a million bucks. All of a sudden the room fills up with a million ducks.

The man walks over to the guy with the lighter and says, That genie is a little hard of hearing isnt he.

The guy replies, no kidding!

You think I asked for a 14 inch bic!

18
Mar

Keeping Score

There are these two friends, a white guy and a black guy. One evening,
theyre in a bar arguing over which of them can have sex the most times in one
night. They decide to settle the issue by going to the local whorehouse and
gathering experimental evidence, as it were.

So they get to the whorehouse, pair off with a couple of the ladies, and go to
their respective rooms.

The white guy energetically balls his whore and, reaching up with a pencil,
makes a | mark on the wall. Then he falls asleep. He wakes up in a
couple of hours and screws the whore again, albeit a little less
enthusiastically this time. Again, he reaches back and marks a | on the
wall. Again, he falls asleep. He wakes up again in a couple of hours and
lethargically humps the hooker again. He drowsily marks another | on the
wall and falls asleep for the rest of the night.

The next morning, the black guy barges into the white guys room to see how he
did. He takes one look at the wall and exclaims,

A hundred and eleven?! You beat me by three!

18
Mar

If I die first..

Now that they are retired, my mother and father are discussing all aspects of their future. What will you do if I die before you do? Dad asked Mom. After some thought, she said that shed probably look for a house- sharing situation with three other single or widowed women who might be a little younger than herself, since she is so active for her age. Then Mom asked Dad, What will you do if I die first? He replied, Probably the same thing.

18
Mar

Men Are Like Popcorn

Why are men like popcorn?

They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

18
Mar

How many women can a man marry?

A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asked him, How many women can a man marry?

Sixteen, the boy responded.

His cousin was amazed that he knew the answer so quickly. How do you know that?

Easy, the little boy said. All you have to do is add it up, like the preacher said: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer.

18
Mar

The best salesman in the world

A keen country lad dressed up in his only Sunday-go-to-meetin suit, took the bus into the Big City and applied for a salesmans job at the big city department store. In fact it was the biggest store in the entire world – you could literally buy *anything* there. So tell me, the boss asked him, have you ever been a salesman before?

Sure have, said the lad, I was the best salesman in the county back home!

The boss liked the cut of him and said, Well, OK: you can start tomorrow and Ill come and see you when we close up the store.

The day was long and arduous for the young man, but finally 5 PM came around, and the boss came by and asked him: Well, how many sales did you make today, young man?

Oh, just one, said the young salesman.

Only ONE? blurted his boss. Most of my staff can make 20 or 30 sales a day! OK, OK, so how much was the sale worth?

Well, lessee, all told that would be three hundred twenty-four thousand, three hundred and thirty four dollars and sixty-seven cents, said the young fellow, smiling broadly.

How in hell you manage THAT?! asked his flabbergasted boss as soon as he could pick himself up off the floor.

Waaaall, said the salesman, this ritzy-lookin feller came in and I sold him a small fishhook, ysee, and then he needed a medium-sized hook too, and finally we decided he needed a really large hook on top of those. Then, I sold him a small fishin line, and a medium one and a pure-dee huge-mongous bigun! I asked him where he was goin fishin and he said down the coast. I said hed probably be needin a boat too, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that-thar twenty-foot schooner yall aint been able to sell for nigh-on two years … yknow the bigun with the twin engines? Waall, then the poor feller says his Volkswagon probably wouldnt be able to pull the whole kit-n-kaboodle, so I took him to the car department and sold him the new Deluxe Cruiser with a tow-hook on the rear. He was plum-happy!

Wait … said the boss as he took two steps back and stared at the lad in astonishment, you sold all that to a guy who came in for a FISHHOOK?!?

Waaalll, naw, not zactly, answered the salesman, ysee, he came in to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said to him, Hey pal, you and I both know your weekends screwed, so you may as well go fishin, right?

18
Mar

Real Polish Jokes

In Poland, half of the households are waiting for telephones.
The other half are waiting for dial tones.