23
Nov

New Programming Language: C + –

(pronounced C more or less)

Unlike C++, C+- is a subject oriented language. Each C+- class instance
known as a subject, holds hidden members, known as prejudices or
undeclared preferences, which are impervious to outside messages, as well
as public members known as boasts or claims. The following C operators are
overridden as shown:

> better than
> much better than

23
Nov

Jewish lovemaking

Three men are discussing their previous nights lovemaking. The Italian says, My wife, I rubbed her all over with fine olive oil, then we make wonderful love. She screamed for five minutes.



The Frenchman says, I smooth sweet butter on my wifes body, then we made passionate love. She screamed for half an hour.



The Jew says, I covered my wifes body with schmaltz. We made love and she screamed for six hours.



The others say, Six hours? How did you make her scream for six hours?



He shrugs. I wiped my hands on the drapes.

23
Nov

Afrer heart attack

The medics rush Mr. Steinberg to the hospital in the middle of the night, apparently with a massive heart attack. The doctors work on him all night and morning and finally discharge him to ICU, where therapy continues.

In a couple of days Mr. Steinbergs physician comes into his room and says,

Sol, Im happy to tell you that you are completely well. You have the heart function that you did when you were a fifteen-year-old lad. Were going to send you home tomorrow. You dont have to worry about your heart; do any physical exercise that you like.

Mr. Steinberg goes home and that evening is talking with his wife:

Doris, youll never believe it: Im completely well. I have no worries with my heart. Tonight, Darling, you and I are going to make love like youve never had before, wild, passionate sex… youll love it!

Doris thinks for a minute and says,

I dont know, Sol. Ive heard about active sex and heart conditions. I dont want it to be on my head if you croak while we are making love. Maybe, just maybe, if your doctor wrote a note to me saying that everything was OK…maybe I would have such sex with you…

Mr. Steinberg was dejected, but the next day he was in his doctors office; his doctor tells him: Sure, sure, Sol, no problem, Ill write the note. Lets see, heres my prescription pad:

Mr. Sol Steinberg, a patient of mine, has the heart function of a fifteen-year-old lad and can have mad, passionate, adventurous sex any time that he so desires, signed, Dr. Aaron Katz… Now, Ill just address this… By the way, Sol, whats your wifes first name?

Uh, Doctor, could you just make that, To Whom It May Concern?

23
Nov

3 stranded men

A software engineer, hardware engineer and departmental manager were on their way to a meeting in Switzerland. They were driving down a steep mountain road when suddenly the brakes failed. The car careened out of control, bouncing offguard rails until it miraculously ground to a scraping halt along the mountainside. The occupants of the car were unhurt, but they had a problem. They were stuck halfway down the mountain in a car with no brakes.

I know said the manager. Lets have a meeting, propose a Vision, formulate a Mission Statement, define some Goals, and through a process of Continuous Improvement, find a solution to the Critical Problems and well be on our way.

No, said the hardware engineer. Ive got my Swiss army knife with me. I can strip down the cars braking system, isolate the fault, fix it, and well be on our way.

Wait, said the software engineer. Before we do anything, shouldnt we push the car back to the top of the mountain and see if it happens again?

23
Nov

Few occupational hazards

ACCOUNTANTS – Lose their balance.

ACTORS – Drop a part.

ACTUARIES – Get broken down by age and sex.

ARCHERS – Bow and quiver.

BANKERS – Lose interest.

BASEBALL PLAYERS – Get pitched.

BASKETBALL players – Go on dribbling.

BEEKEEPERS – Buzz off.

BLONDES – Dye away.

BOOKKEEPERS – Lose their figures.

BOTANISTS – Wither away.

BOWLERS – End up in the gutter.

CARDIAC SURGEONS – Get bypassed.

CHAUFFEURS – Lose their drive.

CHICKENS – Get fried.

CLEANING PEOPLE – Kick the bucket.

CLOTHIERS – Lose their shirts.

COMPUTER USERS – Lose their memory.

COOKS – Get deranged.

COWS – Kick the bucket.

DAIRYMEN – Get butter and butter.

DAREDEVILS – Get discouraged.

DEANS – Lose their faculties.

DOCTORS – Lose their patients.

EGYPTIAN TOURISTS – Go senile.

ELECTRICIANS – Lose contact.

ENGINEERS – Lose their bearings.

EXTERMINATORS – Bug out.

FARMERS – Go to seed.

23
Nov

X-Files: The science adviser to whaaat?

The science section of Tuesdays The New York Times (Jan 6, 1998) includes a profile of Biologist Dr. Anne Simon (U Mass, Amherst). The piece (by Carey Goldberg) is entitled The Science Adviser to Whaaat?

It seems that Dr. Simon has, for some time, been a friend of one Chris Carter. Carter is the creator of the X-FILES TV show on the Fox network (U.S.). For the uninitiated, Goldberg describes X-FILES as a dark confection of conspiracy, fantasy and paranormalcy. On the show two FBI agents come across aliens (from outer space), witches, vampires and high government conspiracies. But the crazy thing is often well written and filled with dry humor (EG. in one episode about a southern town whose economy was based upon a chicken processing plant and whose culture was steeped in cannibalism, the local companys motto was: GOOD PEOPLE MAKE GOOD FOOD).

When Carter started to write scripts for the show he called on Dr. Simon for scientific expertise. Simon says (?!?), What Chris says is that the science looking real and being real is what makes the show scary.

In the show Special Agent Fox Mulder has a big sign in his office. The sign reads: THE TRUTH IS OUT THERE

Dr. Simon has a sign on HER office door. Her sign reads: THE TRUTH IS IN HERE

Simon doesnt get paid much for her consulting on the show, but she does get bragging rights and access to clips from the show that she uses in her class lectures. Simon also wears an X-FILES t-shirt when she teaches.

Kinda makes ya wanna go back and take bio again, no?

23
Nov

Knock, Knock

Knock, Knock. Whos there? Dwayne. Dwayne who? DWAYNE THE TUB! IM DWOWNING!

23
Nov

Bill Collector

WARNING! POOR FRED IS DEAD. DO NOT READ THIS UNLESS YOU HAVE COME TO

MOURN HIS PASSING.

A bill collector knocked on the door of a country debtor. Is Fred home? he asked the woman who answered the door. Sorry, the woman replied. Freds gone for cotton.

The next day the collector tried again. Is Fred here today?

No, sir, she said, Im afraid Fred has gone for cotton.

When he returned the third day he humphed, I suppose Fred is gone for cotton again,?

No, the woman answered solemnly, Fred died yesterday.

Suspicious that he was being avoided, the collector decided to wait a week and investigate the cemetery himself. But sure enough, there was poor Freds tombstone, with this inscription: Gone, But Not for Cotton. RIP, Fred.

23
Nov

Jobs and Work joke #11019

Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner

and a loser at the same time.

23
Nov

After 3 husbands – still virgin (Risque)

Mrs. Martin went to see her gynecologist before her fourth marriage.

After the examination, the physician seemed confused. Youre a virgin. How is that possible?

My first husband was a psychiatrist, she explained. He analyzed it all the time.

My second husband was an English lit professor. He wrote about it all the time.

My third husband was a contractor and always said he would get around to it.

But now Im marrying a lawyer, she said with a smile, so I know Ill get screwed.