Problems remembering

Patient: Doctor, I have a serious memory problem. I cant remember anything!

Doctor: So, since when did you have this problem?

Patient: What problem?A variationDoctor: Did you take those pills I gave you to improve your memory?

Patient: What pills?


An IBM acronym

IBM: Intense Bowel Movement


Be Careful What You Wish For

Early one morning, Jerome was walking along a beach. In the sand he found a brass lamp. He decided to rub the lamp and a beautiful genie appeared.

Jerome, being quite a bright lad, said I have released you from your prison and you must grant me 3 wishes.

The Genie said That is true but my powers are rusty. You will have to come back tomorrow.

Jerome replied Oh, but I cannot wait till tomorrow, because I am a student and must take my finals exams then.

The Genie responded, Very well. I will write you 3 letters of acquaintance. Give one to each of the wizards whose address I have written on the letters and they will grant you a wish on my behalf.

Off Jerome went. On the way he wondered what to wish for and thought about his exams tomorrow. He suspected what some of the exam questions might be and thought why not be sure I have the correct answers. So he decided to ask the Wizards to unravel some perplex mysteries for him.

To the first, he asked to know the secret of how Caramel puts the caramel in their bars. Poof . . . the Wizard sent him to the Chocolate Factory and he discovered how it was done.

To the second Wizard, he asked how toothpaste could come out like a candy cane . . . with the red stripe down it. Poof . . . the Wizard send him to the Toothpaste Factory and he now knew how it was done.

To the third Wizard (whom he woke up) . . . he asked how the pyramids were built. Poof . . . Jerome found himself in the Egyptian Desert working with thousands of other slaves.


Ways to confuse a roommate

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.

96. Buy a McDonalds Happy Meal for lunch every day. Eat the straw and the napkin. Throw everything else away.


A quote on marriage

Marriage certificate is just another word for a work permit.


Anyone who is popular is

Anyone who is popular is bound to be disliked.


Excellence can be attained if

Excellence can be attained if you care more than others think is wise, risk more than others think is safe, dream more than others think is practical, expect more than others think is possible.


Top 10 Party Games for People Over 50

10. Sag! Youre it!

9. Pin the toupee on the bald guy.

8. 20 questions shouted in your good ear.

7. Kick the bucket.

6. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says bend over.

5. Doc, doc, goose.

4. Simon says something incoherent.

3. Musical recliners.

2. Spin the bottle of Mylanta.



The History of Music (adultish and ethnish)

In the beginning there was silence. Then God whistled. He whistled one whole note each day for seven days, and thus was the universe created, and also the musical scale. When God whistled, it wasnt the way we whistle. It was a really big, really loud, perfectly toned whistle that moved at the speed of light and created planets and civilizations in the wake of its vibrations. And God listened after the seventh note and heard that it was good. And He said, Damn, I like that tune.

So he put on his headphones and lay back and grooved on the sounds and echoes of the universe ringing with feedback from the first solo. For millions of eons, He grooved, until one day He got up, took off the headphones, and said, This riff is getting stale, and no one is dancing. But that was because He hadnt created anyone yet, and realizing this, He said, Let there be Negroes with funky souls who can shimmy and sway to my sounds, and there were.

But the Negroes just couldnt get into the same old scale over and over, so they said to God, Hey, give us some one-four-five blues-type progressions so we can get down, and He did. And it was good. And they jammed and danced and sang naturally and with carefree abandon for millions and millions of years.

Some of the Negroes, however, werent into that scene. They preferred to sit in the shade reading books about math and science and other boring subjects while their brothers danced and played and made love in the sun. Because He considered them indolent, God took away their fine skin color and made them into white men.

As this peculiar sect of white Negroes developed, they gradually lost their ability to dance and be free and natural with their bodies and they gave birth to withered, colorless babies, many of whom grew up to be accountants, lawyers, real estate brokers, and politicians, and then it was 1950. God looked around and saw He had to do something before it was too late, so He created rock music.

And the skinny, withered, colorless babies of the accountants, lawyers, real estate brokers, and politicians of the fifties plucked their guitars, banged on their tambourines, and wailed into the void and became the superstars of the eighties. And God saw what He had created and put his headphones back on and said, Fuck it.

— God


Obituary editor

The obituary editor of the Jerusalem Post is not one to admit his mistakes easily. One day he got a phone call from an irate subscriber. The caller complained that his name had been printed in the obituary column.

Really? replied the editor calmly. And where are you calling from?

Page 5 of 3,798« First...34567...102030...Last »