24
May

Women seeking men

WOMEN SEEKING MEN Classifieds translations

Tan means: Wrinkled

Wants Soulmate means: One step away from stalking

Widow Nagged means: first husband to death

Writer means: Pompous

24
May

What does the Bermuda Triangle and a blonde have in common?

What does the Bermuda Triangle and a blonde have in common? They both swallowed a lot of semen.

24
May

Penguins &Seals

There was a penguin that was driving his car on a hot summer day, and his car broke down, luckily he was right near a gas station. The penguin stopped and the machanic said he could fix it, but it would be awhile. So the penguin went inside and bought a vanilla icecream cone.The penguins vanilla ice cream melted all over him, so when he was done he cleaned his hands and went to check on his car. When he got out there he asked the machinic if he knew what was wrong with his car, the machanic looked at him and said I think you blew a seal.

And the penguin said, Oh no, that just the vanilla ice cream.

24
May

Un hombre lleva a su

Un hombre lleva a su esposa a una exposición bovina y comienzan a mirar los toros sementales. Al pasar frente al primero, leen el cartel que dice Este toro montó 50 veces el año pasado. La esposa entonces le dice al marido:

50 veces al año. Tú podrías aprender de este toro.

Luego pasan frente al segundo y leen el cartel que dice Este toro montó 100 veces el año pasado.

La esposa le dice al marido:

100 veces al año, casi 2 veces por semana. Tú podrías aprender de este toro.

Finalmente, llegan al último semental y el cartel dice Este toro montó 365 veces el año pasado.

La esposa le dice al marido:

¡Mira! ¡365 veces al año, todos los días! Sí que podrías aprender de este toro.

Y el marido responde:

¿Y por qué no preguntas si fueron 365 veces con la misma vaca?

24
May

Martha Stewarts Guide for Rednecks

1. Never take a beer to a job interview.

2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.



3. Its considered tacky to take a cooler to church.



4. If you have to vacuum the bed its time to change sheets.



5. Even if youre CERTAIN that you are included in the will … it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral.



DINING OUT



1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to bruise the fruit of the vine.



2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.



ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME



1. A centerpiece for the table should NEVER be prepared by a taxidermist.



2. Do NOT allow the dog to eat at the table … no matter how good his manners are.



PERSONAL HYGIENE



1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should done in private using ones OWN truck keys.



2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of money.



3. Dirt & grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as it tends to detract from a womans jewelry & alter the taste of finger foods.



DATING (OUTSIDE THE FAMILY)



1. Always offer to bait your dates hook, especially on the first date.



2. Be aggressive. Let her know youre interested: Ive been wantin to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago.



3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; others might say Monday. If the latter is the answer it is the mans responsibility to get her to school on time.



THEATER ETIQUETTE



1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up as soon as the movie has ended.



2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they cannot hear you.



WEDDINGS



1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.



2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.



3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.



4. Though uncomfortable, say yes to socks & shoes for this special occasion.



DRIVING ETIQUETTE



1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.



2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires ALWAYS has the right of way.



3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.



4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.



5. Do NOT lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

24
May

Butter or Teeth?

Your mommas teeth are so yellow . . .

I cant believe theyre not butter.

24
May

Any theory can be made

Any theory can be made to fit any facts by means of appropriate additional assumptions.

24
May

What do you call oral

What do you call oral sex with a midget?

A low blow.

24
May

TOP 10 Reasons Its OK that My In-Laws will be at the Indy 500

The greatest spectacle in sports, The Indy 500 (auto race) will be held next weekend. It is probably the single biggest party in the world (about 500,000 people attend). The race is almost secondary to the general debauchery that occurs. It seems like everyone shows up with a case of Budweiser and an attitude.

They allow spectators into the infield of the track, which is amazing since they cant see a single car the entire time. Those folks go just to party. There is one infamous area of the infield called the Snake Pit, where the motorcycle gangs hang out and cops dont even dare to go in alone.

Being from Indianapolis I have always gone to the race. Our family has the same seats in the stands every year, though Im usually the only one who uses them. Ive always taken my rowdy friends and had a good ole time.

This year, my wife has invited her parents to go with us. This will certainly put a big cramp in my race day style, so I created the following ripoff on Lettermans lists. I hope there are some race fans out there who can appreciate the humor…


TOP 10 Reasons Its OK that My In-Laws will be at the Indy 500

  1. Two more people to push the car if we run out of gas in the traffic afterwards.
  2. The people with seats near ours, who I have terrorized for years, will be *so* impressed at how well behaved I am this year.
  3. Three words: Sylvias potato salad
  4. Wont have to (get to?) take life threatening trip into the Snake Pit
  5. Wont embarrass my wife this year by ripping my shirt off every time I see a SHOW US YOUR TITS sign.
  6. With Dan on his book signing tour, the Quayles wont be available anyway.
  7. There will be one person at the race who thinks that commentator Sam Posey is actually offering keen insights.
  8. Why bother going to the race ever again, anyway, now that Mario is retiring.
  9. For the next 40 years Ill get to say, What do you mean we never take your parents anywhere. Didnt I take em to the race in 94?

    And the number one reason Its OK that My In-Laws will be at the Race with me this year:

  10. Wont have to lug around that cooler full of beer all day!
24
May

Confession of the 80-year-old Man

An 80-year-old man walks into a church and goes straight into the
confessional. There he hears a voice, Yes my son? Tell me your sins.

Well, Father, says the old man. I had sexual relations with a 17-year-old
girl.

Hmmm, says the Priest. Well, given todays lifestyles, and the fact that
people are having sex at a younger age these days, Im not too surprised.

But Father, Im 80 years old, says the man.

80 years old! And she is 17?! My goodness, well I guess things really have
changed these days. Just say 3 Hail Marys and 4 Our Fathers, and your sins
will be forgiven, replies the Priest.

I cant do that, Father, you see, Im Jewish!

Youre Jewish? Then why did you come in here to tell me this? asks the
Priest.

Because Father, Im telling everybody!