Yes, I finally got confirmation of my dismal academic status.
I called my mother, and I was telling her about how my classes were going
and what I needed to do to avoid being kicked out of school. After I was
done, there was silence for a minute, and she said in all seriousness,
You know, you would probably do well in the Armed Forces. Sigh.
This is true.
Heard in an interview with George Will on WSB Radio, Atlanta:
Caller: What do you think about football?
Will: Football is a mistake. It combines the two worst elements of American
life. Violence and committee meetings.
Two nuns walk into a liqueur store and ask the man at the counter for a bottle of Blackberry Brandy. The clerk tells the nuns that he knows they are not suppose to drink alcohol and he cannot sell them the bottle.
One of the nuns said Its okay. Its for the Mother Superior. You see, shes constipated. So the clerk sells them the brandy.
After locking up the store at closing time, the clerk walks down the street and sees the two nuns are falling down drunk.
The clerk says Sisters, you lied to me. You said that was for Mother Superiors constipation.
The nun replies It is. When she see us, shes going to SHIT.
Ever hear about the blonde coyote who got a leg stuck in a trap -
she chewed off three legs and was still stuck!
An overweight blonde consulted her doctor for advice.
The doctor advised that she run 10 miles a day for 30 days.
This, he promised, would help her lose as much as twenty pounds.
The blonde follows the doctors advice, and, after thirty days, she was pleased to find that shed indeed lost twenty pounds.
She phoned the doctor and thanked him for the wonderful advice which produced such effective results. At the end of the conversation, however, she asked one last question:
How do I get home, since I am now 300 miles away?
1. Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes. Wake up, say oh geez, better get cracking and do some gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes early.
2. Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming Andre, Andre, Ive got the secret documents!!
3. If it is a math/science exam, answer in essay form. If it is long answer/essay form, answer with numbers and symbols. Be creative. Use the integral symbol.
4. Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the instructors left nostril.
5. Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, Im SOOO sure you can hear me thinking. Then start talking about what a jerk the instructor is.
6. Bring cheerleaders.
7. Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About five minutes into it, loudly say to the instructor, I dont understand ANY of this. Ive been to every lecture all semester long! Whats the deal? And who the hell are you? Wheres the regular guy?
8. Bring a Game Boy (or Game Gear, etc…). Play with the volume at max level.
9. On the answer sheet (book, whatever) find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be creative.
10. Bring pets.
11. Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of relief. Go to the instructor, say Theyve found me, I have to leave the country and run off.
12. Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out Merry Christmas. If youre really daring, ask for another copy of the exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every fifteen minutes.
13. Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent markers.
14. Come into the exam wearing a pair of birkenstocks, and nothing else.
15. Come down with a BAD case of Tourettes Syndrome during the exam. Be as vulgar as possible.
16. Do the entire exam in another language. If you dont know one, make one up! For math/science exams, try using Roman numerals.
17. Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/hes not looking. Blame it on the person nearest to you.
18. As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.
19. Walk into the exam with an entourage. Claim you are going to be taping your next video during the exam. Try to get the instructor to let them stay, be persuasive. Tell the instructor to expect a percentage of the profits if they are allowed to stay.
20. Every five minutes, stand up, collect all your things, move to another seat, continue with the exam.
21. Turn in the exam approximately 30 minutes into it. As you walk out, start commenting on how easy it was.
22. Do the entire exam as if it was multiple choice and true/false. If it is a multiple choice exam, spell out interesting things (DCCAB, BABE, etc..).
23. Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers completely blacked out.
24. Get the exam. Twenty minutes into it, throw your papers down violently, scream out Screw this! and walk out triumphantly.
25. Arrange a protest before the exam starts (i.e. Threaten the instructor that whether or not everyones done, they are all leaving after one hour to go drink).
26. Show up completely drunk. (Completely drunk means at some point during the exam, you should start crying for mommy).
27. Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why, tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, the light bulb that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH!
28. Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day.
29. Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 minutes, put on a white mask and start yelling Im here, the phantom of the opera until they drag you away.
30. Go to an exam for a class you have no clue about, where you know the class is very small, and the instructor would recognize you if you belonged. Claim that you have been to every lecture. Fight for your right to take the exam.
31. Upon receiving the exam, look it over, while laughing loudly, say you dont really expect me to waste my time on this drivel? Days of our Lives is on!!!
32. Bring a water pistol with you. Nuff said.
33. From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy. Ignore the instructors requests for you to stop. When they finally get you to leave one way or another, begin whistling the theme to the Bridge on the River Kwai.
34. Start a brawl in the middle of the exam.
35. If the exam is math/science related, make up the longest proofs you could possibly think of. Get pi and imaginary numbers into most equations.
36. Come in wearing a full knights outfit, complete with sword and shield.
37. Bring a friend to give you a back massage the entire way through the exam. Insist this person is needed, because you have bad circulation.
38. Bring cheat sheets FROM ANOTHER CLASS (make sure this is obvious… like history notes for a calculus exam… otherwise youre not just failing, youre getting kicked out, too) and staple them to the exam with the comment Please use the attached notes for references as you see fit.
39. When you walk in, complain about the heat. Strip.
40. After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any question, ask for the answer. Try to work it out of him/her.
41. One word: Wrestlemania.
42. Bring balloons, blow them up, start throwing them around like they do before concerts start.
43. Try to get people in the room to do the wave.
44. Play frisbee with a friend at the other side of the room.
45. Bring some large, cumbersome, ugly idol. Put it right next to you. Pray to it often. Consider a small sacrifice.
46. Get deliveries of candy, flowers, balloons, telegrams, etc… sent to you every few minutes throughout the exam.
47. During the exam, take apart everything around you. Desks,
chairs, anything you can reach.
48. Complete the exam with everything you write being backwards at a 90 degree angle.
49. Bring a musical instrument with you, play various tunes. If you are asked to stop, say it helps me think. Bring a copy of the Student Handbook with you, challenging the instructor to find the section on musical instruments during finals. Dont forget to use the phrase Told you so.
50. Answer the exam with the Top Ten Reasons Why Professor xxxx Sucks.
A local bar regular had been drinking all night. This particular night the regular drank a little more than usual.
The bartender finally says that the bar is closing. So the regular stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, same result. He figures hell crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.
Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he decides to crawl the 3 blocks to his home and when he arrives at the door, he stands up and falls flat on his face.
He crawls through the door into his bedroom. When he reaches his bed, he tries one more time to stand up. This time he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow.
He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting loudly. So, youve been out drinking again!! What makes you say that? He asks as he puts on an innocent look. The bar called, you left your wheelchair there again.
A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good looking woman, and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand. Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied, she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk. He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the ranchers widow said to the hired hand, You have done a really good job and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick
up your heels. The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. However, one oclock came and he didnt return. Two oclock and no hired hand. He returned around two-thirty and found the ranchers widow sitting by
the fireplace. She quietly called him over to her. Unbutton my blouse and take it off, she said. Trembling, he did as she directed. Now take off my boots. He did so, slowly. Now take off my socks. He did. Now take off my skirt. He did. Now take off my bra. Again with trembling hands he did as he was told. Now, she said, take off my panties. He slowly pulled them down and off. Then she looked at him and said, If you ever wear my clothes to town again, Ill fire you on the spot.
These three brothers all got married on the same day and all went to the same location for their honeymoon. That evening, they got together without their wives and were bragging about how much shagging they were going to do that night. They eventually came to an agreement that they would use some form of code words the next morning, in front of their wives, to let each other know how they had got on the previous evening.
Anyhow, the next morning came, and the three exhausted men were at the breakfast table with their wives. The waiter came over and asked the first what he wanted for breakfast and he replied: Ill have TWO slices of toast please!
The other two knew what he meant and they subtley smiled to themselves.
When the second was asked, he replied: Ill have THREE slices of toast please!
The third brother at this point subtley smiled again and when he was asked, he replied: Ill have FOUR slices of white… and THREE slices of brown
A guy burned two ears… so they were asking him at the hospital how it happened.
He said, I was ironing my clothing and the phone rang…so instead of the phone I picked up the iron and burned my ear…
But how the heck did you burn the other ear? The doctor asked.
How do you think I called you people?