11
Jun

Knock Knock Whos there? Marietta! Marietta who? Marietta whole

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Marietta!
Marietta who?
Marietta whole cake!

11
Jun

Yo mama is so stupid

Yo mama so stupid when your dad said it was chilly outside, she ran outside with a spoon

11
Jun

Mills and Boon… Oz

Extract from an Australian Mills & Boon (one of those romance books)

We met in a secluded field, the sun nearly kissing the evening horizon. The warm breeze was full of that earthly, musky scent that only those fortunate enough to live outside the urban rat race know, and quiet whispering of the leaves in the Weeping Willow overhead added the final touch to the most romantic scene.

We lay there, both naked, I knew I had to have her and have her now. Without a word being spoken, I managed to move myself to a position of dominance. I could feel instantly that this was what she had been waiting for as she frantically thrust her pelvis at my approaching organ.

I moved slowly at first, inch by inch, until I was fully inside her. Then as tension rose, we began the ultimate in sex. Although inexperienced, she approached every change of position with enthusiasm, moaning with despair every time I withdrew to prevent myself from ending it all too soon.

As sexual tension heightened towards the inevitable mind-blowing climax, it was all I could do to hold out until the moment we had been both waiting for was upon us. As it did we rolled together in the

now damp grass. As the last deep orange glow of the long set sun melted

into the darkness of approaching night, as we lay there still entwined in an amorous embrace, I kissed her long and loving and whispered how good she had been, she tenderly and sensuously licked my inner ear and whispered:

Baaaa, then re-joined the flock.

11
Jun

Got the Time?

Jake is struggling through a bus station with two huge and obviously heavy suitcases when a stranger walks up to him and asks Have you got the time?

Jake sighs, puts down the suitcases and glances at his wrist. Its a quarter to six, he says.



Hey, thats a pretty fancy watch! exclaims the stranger. Jake brightens a little.



Yeah, its not bad. Check this out – and he shows him a time zone display not just for every time zone in the world, but for the 86 largest metropolises.



He hits a few buttons and from somewhere on the watch a voice says The time is eleven til six in a very West Texas accent. A few more buttons and the same voice says something in Japanese. Jake continues Ive put in regional accents for each city. The display is unbelievably high quality and the voice is simply astounding.



The stranger is struck dumb with admiration. Thats not all, says Jake. He pushes a few more buttons and a tiny but very high-resolution map of New York City appears on the display. The flashing dot shows our location by satellite positioning, explains Jake.



View recede ten, Jake says, and the display changes to show eastern New York state.



I want to buy this watch! says the stranger.



Oh, no, its not ready for sale yet; Im still working out the bugs, says the inventor.



But look at this, and he proceeds to demonstrate that the watch is also a very creditable little FM radio receiver with a digital tuner, a sonar device that can measure distances up to 125 meters, a pager with thermal paper printout and, most impressive of all, the capacity for voice recordings of up to 300 standard-size books, though I only have 32 of my favorites in there so far says Jake.



Ive got to have this watch!, says the stranger.



No, you dont understand; its not ready –



Ill give you $1000 for it!



Oh, no, Ive already spent more than –



Ill give you $5000 for it!



But its just not –



Ill give you $15,000 for it! And the stranger pulls out a checkbook.



Jake stops to think. Hes only put about $8500 into materials and development, and with $15,000 he can make another one and have it ready for merchandising in only six months. The stranger frantically finishes writing the check and waves it in front of him. Here it is, ready to hand to you right here and now. $15,000. Take it or leave it.



Jake abruptly makes his decision. OK, he says, and peels off the watch.



They make the exchange and the stranger starts happily away.



Hey, wait a minute, calls Jake after the stranger, who turns around warily. Jake points to the two suitcases hed been trying to wrestle through the bus station. Dont forget your batteries.


11
Jun

Your mamma

Your momma is so fat that she stepped on a scale and the scale said , I want your


weight not your phone number.

11
Jun

Your mom is so fat…

Your mom is so fat, that I knew her all my life, and I still havent seen all of her!

11
Jun

Communication Problem

About five years ago the battery in my beat-up VW Beetle had died because I left the lights on overnight. I was in a hurry to get to work on time so I ran into the house to get my wife to give me a hand to start the car. I told her to get into our second car, a prehistoric oversized gas guzzler, and use it to push my car fast enough to start it. I pointed out to her that because the VW had an automatic transmission, it needed to be pushed at least 30 mph for it to start.

She said fine, hoped into her car and drove off.



I sat there fuming wondering what she could be doing.



A minute passed by and when I saw her in the rearview mirror coming at me at about 40 mph, I realized that I should have been a bit clearer with my directions.

11
Jun

Hunting

Two people go hunting.One shoots a bow arrow in a deer.He says,Sit down and wait here and dont make a sound.So he leaves. The other man does not make a sound. So the other man findsthe deer but then he hears a scream. He runs to the man sitting down. he says Why did you scream? The other man says I did not scream when a snake bit me butI did scream when two chipmanks ran up my pantlag and saidShould we eat them here or take them home.

11
Jun

Left Bank

Left Bank left bangk: What the robber did when his bag was full of loot.

Misty mis-tee: How golfers create divots.

Paradox par-uh-doks: Two physicians.

11
Jun

A theory is better than

A theory is better than its explanation.

Page 5 of 3,798« First...34567...102030...Last »