Q: How many Klingons does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Two, one to screw in the bulb and another to shoot him and take the credit.
A wife arriving home after a shopping trip, was horrified to find her husband in bed with a young, lovely thing. Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words.
Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about. Driving home, I saw this young girl, looking poor and tired, I offered her a ride. She was hungry, so I brought her home and fed her some of the roast you had forgotten about in the refrigerator. Her shoes were worn out so I gave her a pair of your shoes you didnt wear because they were out of style. She was cold so I gave her that new birthday sweater you never wear because the color didnt suit you. Her slacks were worn out so I gave her a pair of yours that you dont fit into anymore.
Then, as she was about to leave the house, she paused and asked, Is there anything else that your wife doesnt use anymore? ….
….So, here we are!
Estaba Caperucita Roja pasando por el campo cuando se le presenté el lobo feroz y le dijo:
Hola caperucita, ya yo se que vas donde tu abuelita, y que llevas manzanas y empanadas en tu canasta y también le llevas jugo de mango.
Y responde Caperucita: ¿Y tú cómo sabes eso?
Es que yo tengo una bola de cristal.
¡Ay, pobrecito!
Resumania is a term coined by Mr. Robert Half, founder of RHI Consultings parent company, to describe the unintentional bloopers that often appear on job candidates resumes, job applications and cover letters. Heres some examples:
I perform my job with effortless efficiency, effectiveness, efficacy, and expertise. (And an eye on the e section of the dictionary, evidently.)
Insufficient writing skills, thought processes have slowed down some. If I am not one of the best, I will look for another opportunity.(No problem …)
Seek challenges that test my mind and body, since the two are usually inseparable. (Glad to hear it.)
I am very detail-oreinted. (With the possible exception of spelling)
I can play well with others. (Well be sure to tell your mommy.)
Married, eight children. Prefer frequent travel. (A new twist on work-family balance.)
Objection: To utilize my skills in sales. (Have you considered law school?)
My salary requirement is $34 per year. (They say money isnt everything.)
Served as assistant sore manager. (Ouch.)
Work history: Bum. Abandoned belongings and led nomadic lifestyle. (So youre willing to travel?)
I vow to fulfill the goals of the company as long as I live. (And they say loyalty is hard to come by.)
Reason for leaving last job: Pushed aside so the vice presidents girlfriend could steal my job. (Were glad youre not bitter.)
Dear Friend,
This letter was started by a woman like yourself in hopes of bringing relief to other tired and discontented women. Unlike most chain letters, this one does not cost anything. Just bundle up yur husband and send him to the woman whose name appears at the top of the list. Then add your name to the bottom of the list and send a copy of this to five of your friends who are equally tired and discontented.
When your name comes to the top of the list, you will receive 3,325 men … and one of them are bound to be better than the one you gave up!
DO NOT BREAK THIS CHAIN … one woman did, and received her own jerk back!
At this writing, a friend of mine had already received 184 men; they buried her yesterday but it took four undertakers 36 hours to get the smile off her face.
Were counting on you,
A Satisified Woman
John and Claire are just newly married. They are still a little shy about doing the wild thing, so they decide to just refer to it as washing the clothes. One night, Claire invites some of her friends over for dinner, but John is really horny and doesnt want to have to entertain their guests.
So, as Claire is serving the main course, he whispers in her ear, Lets go wash the clothes. Claire is horrified that he could even suggest such a thing while theyre entertaining, and she refuses. John tries again, but she wont give in. Claire tells him instead to go upstairs and get the candleholders from the hall closet. Frustrated, John slowly walks up the stairs to get them.
While hes upstairs, Claire thinks of the fun theyd have if they COULD wash the clothes. Nah, she thinks. Not now. But eventually her imagination gets the best of her, and she tells the maid to run upstairs and tell John that shell be up in a minute to help him. The maid finds John upstairs in the bedroom, and tells him that his wife will be up in a minute to help him wash the clothes.
Tell her its ok, says John. I already did them by hand.