18
Nov

Women seeking men

WOMEN SEEKING MEN Classifieds translations

Educated means: College dropout

Emotionally Secure means: Medicated

Employed means: Has part-time job stuffing envelopes at home

18
Nov

Obey the speed limit

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH.

He thinks to himself, This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies, two in the front seat and three in the back, wide eyed and white as ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, says to him, Officer, I dont understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?

Maam, the officer replies, You werent speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers.

Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly twenty-two miles an hour! the old woman says a bit proudly.

The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that 22 was the route number, not the speed limit.

A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

But before I let you go, Maam, I have to ask… Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they havent muttered a single peep this whole time, the officer asks.

Oh, theyll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route 142.

18
Nov

Q: How many programmers

Q: How many programmers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None. Its not a bug, its a feature.

18
Nov

El hombre le pregunta a

El hombre le pregunta a Dios:

¿Por qué hiciste a la mujer tan bella?

Para que te enamores de ella.

¿Y por qué la hiciste tan tonta?

Para que ella se enamore de ti.

18
Nov

Dressing Up to Go Out

A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station, was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule, at 2 in the morning. Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom and started to climb into bed.

Just then, his wife sleepily sat up and said, Mike, dearest, would you go down to the all-night drug store on the next block and get me some aspirin? Ive got a splitting headache.



Certainly, honey, he said, and feeling his way across the dark room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store.



As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise, Say, said the druggist, I know you – arent you a policeman? Officer Fenwick, right?



Yeah, so? said the officer.



Well what the heck are you doing all dressed like the Fire Chief?

18
Nov

INVESTMENT ALERT!

Pfizer Corp (NYSE PFE) is making the announcement today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola Bottling Group (NYSE PBG) as a power beverage, suitable for use as-is, or a mixer, under the name Mount and Do.



Pepsis proposed ad campaign suggests:


It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.

18
Nov

Redneck birth control

After having their eleventh child, a North Georgia mountaineer couple decided that 11 was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didnt want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem, but it was expensive.

A less costly alternative, said the doctor, is to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in the North Georgia Mountains), light it, put it in an empty beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to
10.

The redneck said to the doctor, I may not be the smartest man in the world, but I dont see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me.

Trust me, said the doctor.

So the hillbilly went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5…

At this point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs, and resumed counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Kentucky, West Virginia, Arkansas, Louisiana, and most parts of Mississippi.

18
Nov

Democrats at work

Q: What is a recent Democrat graduates usual question in his first job?

A: What would you like to have with your french fries, sir?

18
Nov

A College Christmas

A College Christmas

Twas the night before finals,



And all through the college,



The students were praying



For last minute knowledge.



Most were quite sleepy,



But none touched their beds,



While visions of essays



danced in their heads.



Out in the taverns,



A few were still drinking,



And hoping that liquor



would loosen up their thinking.



In my own apartment,



I had been pacing,



And dreading exams



I soon would be facing.



My roommate was speechless,



His nose in his books,



And my comments to him



Drew unfriendly looks.



I drained all the coffee,



And brewed a new pot,



No longer caring



That my nerves were shot.



I stared at my notes,



But my thoughts were muddy,



My eyes went ablur,



I just couldnt study.



Some pizza might help,



I said with a shiver,



But each place I called



Refused to deliver.



Id nearly concluded



That life was too cruel,



With futures depending



On grades had in school.



When all of a sudden,



Our door opened wide,



And Patron Saint Put It Off



Ambled inside.



Her spirit was careless,



Her manner was mellow,



She started to bellow:



What kind of student



Would make such a fuss,



To toss back at teachers



What they tossed at us?



On Cliff Notes! On Crib Notes!



On Last Years Exams!



On Wingit and Slingit,



And Last Minute Crams!



Her message delivered,



She vanished from sight,



But we heard her laughing



Outside in the night.



Your teachers have pegged you,



So just do your best.



Happy Finals to All,



And to All, a good test.

18
Nov

You might be a college student if . . .

12. If the first thing you do in the morning is roll over and introduce yourself.

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