The Best of Usenet Oracularities #126-150

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The regular Oracularities postings can be found in alt.humor.oracle.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

Why did God invent relativity?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

Well, it all started on March 12, 1867. Me and Lucifer and God and
Death and a couple of other guys got really hammered, see, and we were
shooting dice together, and Luci was really cleaning up. (I still think
the dice were fixed, but I dont know for sure.) Anyway, God got low on
cash, and Luci got this idea that hed stake him, but if God lost, hed
have to let Luci rewrite some laws of physics. Naturally, God didnt
like the idea, but Luci suggested that me and Thanatos could help, and
eventually agreed to the idea (did I mention we were all extremely
plastered?). Anyway, God lost, and me and Luci and Mr. D went into the
next room and stayed up all night deciding what we should do to the
universe (and drinking beer and laughing and barfing from time to time).

The next day, after the three of us had managed to uncross our eyes, we
got out the notes wed scribbled the night before, scraped most of the
puke off, and tried to puzzle out our handwriting. It was pretty
incoherent (and some of it, especially the rubber sheet theory, was
kind of perverted) but a deals a deal, and God made it all officially
natural law.

He learned his lesson though. To this day, he never plays dice with the
universe. Monopoly sometimes; never dice.

You owe the Oracle a good hangover cure.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

How can i learn to play the fluet?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

The fluet is an instrument with a great tradition; it was played by
the anceint Egyptains, The Romasn and the Greeks. In its most primitve
form, it consists of a simlpe tbue of wood with several hoels cut
along its lenght. By blwoing in the topmots hoel, you can produce a
most Sepulchrla Toen, one which so characterizes teh wonderful fluet.
Finally, it is by rapid figner motiosn across the otehr hoels that you
are able to produec a Wied Vareity of Toens, each Supulchrla in nature
but which as a whoel also form a great Harmoyn. It is for thsi Harmoyn
that you strive.

Godo lukc ot yuo.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

I made some cookies the other day. They were chocolate chip. When I
put them in the oven, the chips leaped out of the cookies, jumped onto
the floor, and ran out of the house squeaking. I had to eat the cookies
without any chips. They were terrible. Why do you think this
remarkable event occurred?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

Hmm. Mutineering chocolate.
Obviously they were trying to jump chip.

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