Q. What happens when you cross a Bulldog with a Shih tzu?
A. You get Bullshit.

A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theatre. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, Sorry, sir, but youre only allowed one seat. The man groaned but didnt budge.The usher became impatient. Sir, if you dont get up from there Im going to have to call the manager. Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager.In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success.Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, All right buddy, whats your name? Sam, the man moaned. Where ya from, Sam? With pain in his voice Sam replied The balcony.

A daddy, mommy and baby mole are in their hole relaxing
one morning when the daddy mole sticks his head out of
the hole and says, I smell pancakes. The mommy mole sticks her head out the tiny hole and says,
I smell pancakes too…pancakes with maple syrup!! Baby
mole come smell the pancakes with maple syrup. The baby mole sticks his head upwards to get to the hole
and exclaims I cant smell anything but molasses

A husband and his wife are having dinner at a very fine restaurant
when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table,
gives the husband a big kiss, tells him shell see him later, and
walks away.

His wife glares at him and demands, Who was that?!

Oh, replies the husband, that was my mistress.

The wife says, Thats it. I want a divorce.

I understand, replies her husband, but, remember, if you get a
divorce, there will be no more shopping trips to Paris, no wintering
in the Caribbean, no Lexus in the garage, and no more country club.
But the decision is yours.

Just as the wife is about to say something, she notices a mutual
friend entering the restaurant with a gorgeous woman. Whos that
woman with Jim? she asks.

Thats his mistress, replies her husband.

Ours is prettier, says the wife.

DEMERIT POINT SYSTEM USED BY WOMEN

(The code is finally broken – the demerit system is no longer a mystery!) For all you guys out there who just cant figure it out, here it is: In the world of romance and relationship responsibilities, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes & you get points. Do something she dislikes & points are subtracted. You dont get any points for doing something she expects… Sorry, but thats the way the game is played. Here is a guide to the point system.

SIMPLE DUTIES You make the bed………………………………………….. 1 You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows………0 You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets…………………..-1 You leave the toilet seat up………………………………..-5 You replace the toilet-paper roll when its empty………………0 When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex…….-1 When the Kleenex runs out you shuffle slowly to the next bathroom.-2 You check out a suspicious noise at night …………………….0 You check out a suspicious noise and its nothing………………0 You check out a suspicious noise and its something…………… 5 You pummel it with a six iron……………………………… 10

SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS You stay by her side the entire party………………………..0 You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy……………………………………………-2 Named Tiffany…………………………………………….-4 Tiffany is a dancer……………………………………….-6 Tiffany has implants………………………………………-8

HER BIRTHDAY You take her out to dinner………………………………….0 You take her out to dinner and its not a sports bar ………… 1 Okay, it is a sports bar…………………………………..-2 And its all-you-can-eat night……………………………..-3 Its a sports bar, its all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team…………………………..-10

THOUGHTFULNESS You forget her birthday completely…………………………-20 You forget your anniversary……………………………….-30 You forget to pick her up at the bus station………………..-45 Which is in Newark, New Jersey…………………………….-50 And the pouring rain dissolves her leg cast…………………-60

A NIGHT OUT You take her to a movie…………………………………… 2 You take her to a movie she likes………………………….. 4 You take her to a movie you hate ………………………….. 6 You take her to a movie you like……………………………-2 Its called DeathCop

3…………………………………….-3 Which features cyborgs having sex…………………………..-9 You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans………..-15

FLOWERS You buy her flowers only when its expected…………………..0 You buy her flowers as a surprise, just for the hell of it ….. 20 You give her wildflowers youve actually picked yourself ……. 30 And she contracts Lyme disease…………………………….-25

YOUR PHYSIQUE You develop a noticeable potbelly………………………… -15 You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it.. 1 You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts ……………………………………-30 You say I dont care because you have one too ……………-800

FINANCES You spend a lot of money on something impractical…………… -5 Something she cant use…………………………………..-10 Such as a motorized model airplane…………………………-20 And she got a small appliance for her birthday………………-40

DRIVING You lost the directions on a trip………………………….-4 You lost the directions and end up getting lost…………….-10 You dont stop to ask directions …………………..0 You stop and ask for directions …………………. 25 You end up getting lost in a bad part of town ……………..-15 You get lost in a bad part of town and meet the locals up close and personal……………………………………………….-25 You know them…………………………………………..-60

THE BIG QUESTION She asks, Do I look fat? ……………………………….-5 (Sensitive questions always start with a deficit) You hesitate in responding……………………………….-10 You reply, Where?……………………………………..-35

COMMUNICATION When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression…………………………..0 When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes……… 5 You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV.. 10 She realizes this is because youve fallen asleep…………..-20

You Might Be Addicted to AOL if…

…..Tech Support calls You for help.

…..Someone at work tells you a joke and you say LOL

…..You have called out someones screen name while making love to your significant other.

…..You keep begging your friends to get an account so we can hang out

…..you have to get a second phone line just so you can call Dominos

…..youve ever typed drinking on AOL is better than drinking alone

…..you have a vanity car tag with your screen name on it

…..you no longer type with proper punctuation, capitalization, or complete sentences

…..you begin to say heh heh heh instead of laughing

…..when someone says What did you say? you reply Scroll up!

…..you sneak away to the computer in the middle of the night when your spouse is asleep.

…..you know more about your AOL friends daily routines than you do your own familys.

…..you lie to others about your time on-line and when they complain that your phone was busy you claim it was off the hook

…..you have an identity crisis if someone else is using an s/n close to your own

…..you would rather tell people your bloodshot eyes are from partying too much instead of the truth (all night on-line)

…..youre broke, your modem burns out and you go out onto the streets to sell your body to get a new one

…..you marry your cyberboyfriend and you both sit at your own computers and chat to each other every night from across the room

…..you type messages to people while you are on the phone with them at the same time

…..you wont work at a job that doesnt have a modem involved

….you sign on and immediately get 10 messages from people who have you on their buddy lists

….you look at an annoying person off-line and wish you had your ignore button handy

….you have withdrawls if you are away from the computer for more than a few hours

….you use AOL lingo in everyday life (if you still have one…hehehe)

….your buddy list has over 100 people on it

….you wake up in the morning and the first thing you do is get on-line before you have your first cup of coffee

….you wait 6 hours online for a certain special person to sign on

….you dont know where the time has gone

….you end sentences with three (or more) periods while writing letters in pen/pencil.

….your relationship online has gone farther than any real one you have had

….you get up at 2am to go the bathroom but go turn on your computer instead

….you dont even notice anymore when someone has a typo

….when you enter a room and 23 people greet you with {{{Hugs or ***Kisses***

….you stop typing whole words and use things like ppl, dunno and lemme

….your voicemail/answering machine message is BRB, leave your s/n and I will TTYL

….you type faster than you think

….being called a newbie is a *MAJOR* insult

…you are on the phone for a minute and need to do something else you say BRB or BBL

….you spend at least 30 minutes making sure you say goodbye to everyone in a room

…youve gone into an unstaffed tech support room and given tech support to other AOLers

….you have to be pryed from your computer with the Jaws-of-Life

…you meet people from AOL in public and have no idea what their real name is, so you call them by their screen name

…your last sexual experience was really just a textual experience

When Mother Teresa died she went straight to heaven. Upon her arival St. Peter informed her that theyve been expecting her. She was the given her Angel wings for all the great work she did on earth and her angel Halo.Later on that day Mother Teresa was walking around heaven when she saw Princess Diana with an even bigger Halo! Teresa got pissed off, and went to see St. Peter, and asked After all of my years sacrificing for the poor and the needy, I get a Halo this small. But Diana only took a couple of pictures with some landmine kids and got an even bigger Halo than me!St. Peter replied, Thats not a Halo… Thats the steering wheel…

1. You can name everyone you graduated with.

1a. Your graduation lasted 20 minutes.

2. You get a whiff of manure and think of home.

2a. You can smell the difference between different animals manure.

3. You know what 4-H is.

3a. You were in 4-H.

3b. You can walk through the entire county fair in 15 minutes.

4. You ever went to headlight parties.

4a. Your busiest intersection does not have a stop light.

5. You used to drag main.

5a. You noticed when there was a new car in town.

6. You said the f word and your parents knew within the hour.

7. You schedule parties around the schedule of different police officers, since you know which ones will bust you and which ones wont.

8. You ever went cow-tipping.

9. You have gone to an auction as a social gathering.

10. You have ever partied with a guy who is 25, has no job, but is the buyer for all of the best parties.

11. You have parties at the same guys house.

12. Your best friend is a beer whore.

13. School gets cancelled for state sporting events.

14. You could never buy cigarettes because all the store clerks knew how old you were (and if you were old enough theyd tell your parents anyhow).

15. When you did find someone old enough and brave enough to buy smokes, you still had to go out to the country and drive on back roads to smoke them.

16. Social acceptance in town depended on the approval of the five old (but rich) hags that met each morning at the donut shop for the latest smut.

17. You were ever in the Homecoming parade.

18. You have ever gone home for Homecoming.

19. You fix up to go buy milk lest anyone starts the rumor that you have gained weight or quit taking care of yourself.

20. No place sells gas on Sunday.

21. Friday nights fun consisted of standing in line for the one screen theater and since it was sold out, watching truckers and drinking coffee at the truck stop (the only place open after 10).

21a. Friday nights were spent at the game (either football or basketball) and usually ended up with getting kicked out of the Pizza Oven (the only place to eat in town that was open till 11).

22. You have to drive an hour to buy a pair of socks.

23. It was cool to date someone from Deerfield (neighboring town).

23a. It was cool to date someone from ANY neighboring town.

24. You have ever gone for a walk in the cemetery, on a date.

25. You ordered your wardrobe out of a catalog.

26. You had senior skip day.

27. The whole school went to the same party after graduation.

28. You know the name of the one person who has no job, sleeps in his car, and is always at the convience store.

29. You dont give directions by street names or house numbers, but you give directions by references (turn by Peppers liquor, go two blocks past Heekes, and its four houses left of the football field).

30. When you talk about ordinary occurrences at your hometown, big city friends start laughing and say, You did what?.

31. You actually go to the post office to get your mail.

32. You hope that you have enough people to make a varsity football team.

33. You can recognize 5 or more different types of farm machinery and tell what it is used for.

34. Youve ever blown up a mailbox for fun.

35. If anyone drives a tractor to school (or you have tractor parking spots in your school lot).

36. If you can count the number of stoplights in your town on one hand.

37. Everyone in your graduating class is related.

38. If youve ever played cornfield tag and not gotten freaked out by some children of the corn reference.

39. If there is a dirt road within the city limits.

40. If a good party consists of a barn, a bonfire and some cheap beer.

41. If youve ever driven somewhere with people in the trunk.

42. If the fire hall was the cultural center of town.

43. If you still go to the drive-in to actually *watch* movies.

43a. If you know of a drive-in that still exists.

44. If you have a local pond.

45. If you go toilet papering.

46. Take Football signs.

47. Computers are new.

48. People know if you got a haircut.

49. You walk into the only bar in town and everybody DOES know your name.

50. You dont have a high school football team.

Una viejecita tiene una hija que ya esta un poco pasada de edad, y que aun no se ha casado. De repente la hija se siente muy enferma, y su mamá decide llevarla al médico.

El medico, tras hacer un estudio minucioso le dice a la viejecita: Señora, su hija se encuentra muy mal.

Bueno doctor hay que actuar rápidamente, dígame, ¿qué es lo que tiene mi hija

Mire señora, a su hija lo que le hace falta es un COITO.

Bueno, doctor. Actúe.

Pero señora, lo que pasa es que yo ya estoy un poco mayor para esto, pero llamemos al enfermero.

Y proceden a llamar al enfermero: Enfermero hágame un favor, llévese esta señorita y practíquele un COITO.

El enfermero se lleva a la enferma a otra habitación de donde salen ruidos un poco extraños. Quejidos, alaridos, gemidos, gritos.

Y entre tanto están el doctor y la señora afuera esperando, y le comenta la señora al doctor:

Mire Doctor, si usted y yo no supieramos lo que es un COITO, yo diría que ese enfermero se está COGIENDO A MI HIJA.

Una tortuga se fue de vacaciones para Cartagena, e iba caminando muy tranquila, cuando de pronto, a la orilla de la carretera sale una lagartija y le dice:

Adiós, señora tortuga. ¿Adónde va?

A Cartagena, de vacaciones, contesta la tortuga.

Lléveme por favor, yo no peso mucho y me puedo ir en su caparazón.

La tortuga, disgustada, la manda a comer mierda y prosigue su camino.

La lagartija, ofendida, deja que se aleje un poco y cautelosamente la sigue y sin que lo note se le sube en el caparazón. Así viajaron durante largo tiempo, hasta que a su paso sale un sapo que le pregunta a la tortuga:

¿Adónde va, señora tortuga?

A Cartagena.

¿Y usted, señora lagartija?, le pregunta el sapo.

¡Hasta aquí, sapo hijueputa!