This is part of a humerous ditty that was popular when I was a lad, before the Earth cooled.

One dark day in the middle of the night

Two dead boys began to fight.

Back to back they faced each other,

Drew their swords and shot each other.

If you dont believe this story is true;

ask the blind man; he saw it, too.

He lives on the corner in the middle of the block

in a two-story house on a vacant lot.

An empty truck loaded with bricks

ran over our dead cat and killed it.

A guy walks into a store. He goes up to the clerk and holds up his hand. In his hand hes holding a big pile of crap. He looks at the clerk with the biggest expression of relief and says, Whew, that was close. Look what I almost stepped in."

Real estate man: Would you like to see a model home?

Man: I sure would, when does she get off work?

A little boy asked his father, Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?

And the father replied, I dont know son, Im still paying.

Found in Maps of the Mind, by Charles Hampden-Turner:

A man was hitchhiking across the country just prior to a
presidential election and had hit upon a technique for getting
free drinks in bars by guessing which candidate was less popular
and then loudly badmouthing them. He went into a bar in Colorado
and yelled, Carter is a horses ass! To his surprise, he was
promptly thrown outside into the dirt. He picked himself up and
went into another bar, shouting, Reagan is a horses ass! Seconds
later, he was eating dust again.

Seeing a cowboy nearby, he called out, Hey, fella! If this aint
Carter country and it aint Reagan country, whose country is it?

The cowboy replied, Son, this is horse country!

Yo mama has one ear and has to take off her hat to hear what youre saying.

A recently married couple retire to their honeymoon suite. Before hopping into bed the bride says, Now honey, youll be gentle with me wont you. You know that Im still a virgin.

This clearly surprises the man, What are you saying. Arent I your third husband?

The woman replied, Yes, but my first husband was a psychologist and all he liked to do was talk about it. My second husband was a gynecologist and all he liked to do was look at it. Since youre a lawyer, Im pretty sure that Im gonna get screwed!

Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, Id like to get you guys in now, but our computers down. Youll have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you cant go back as humans. Whatll it be?

The first priest says, Ive always wanted to be an eagle, soaring above the Rocky mountains. So be it, says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest.

The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks, Will any of this week count, St. Peter? No, I told you the computers down. Theres no way we can keep track of what youre doing. The weeks a freebie.

In that case, says the second priest, Ive always wanted to be a stud.

So be it, says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears.

A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St. Peter to recall the two priests.

Will you have any trouble locating them? He asks.

The first one should be easy, says St. Peter. Hes somewhere over the Rockies, flying with the eagles. But the second one could prove to be more difficult.

Why? asked the Lord.

St. Peter answered, Hes on a snow tire, somewhere in North Dakota!

We yanks just love to pass the blame. What other country can boast of 3 lawyers for every citizen. We come up with the best reasons to blame others for our own problems. Heres a small list…



If a woman burns her thighs on the hot coffee shes holding in her lap while driving,

she blames the restaurant.



If your teen-age son kills himself or then next door neighbors,

you blame the rock n roll music or musician he liked.



If you smoke three packs a day for 40 years and die of lung cancer,

your family blames the tobacco company.



If your daughter gets pregnant by the football captain you blame the school for poor sex education.



If your neighbor crashes into a tree while driving home drunk, you blame the bartender.



If your cousin gets AIDS because the needle he used to shoot up with heroin was dirty,

you blame the government for not providing clean ones.



If your grandchildren are brats without manners, you blame television.

If your friend is shot by a deranged madman, you blame the gun manufacturer.



And if a crazed person breaks into the cockpit and tries to kill the pilots at 35,000 feet, and the passengers kill him instead, the mother of the deceased blames the airline.



I guess Ill just never understand the world as it is anymore…

So if I die while my old, wrinkled ass is parked in front of this computer while sending you this joke – I want you to blame Bill Gates, OK?

Twas the night before Y2K

and all through the house

we all were in hiding,

me, my kids, and my spouse.



The firewood piled

floor to ceiling with care

the cupboards all packed

with non-perishables to spare.



The windows were barred

to protect us from looters

our new generator is safe

cause it has no computers.



Weve bought lots of gold

should the dollar collapse

and run up those credit cards

right to the max

and just in case

the banks should all crash

we closed our account

and spent all the cash

on dried foods and water

for our Y2K stash.



As the clock ticked toward midnight

we knew wed soon learn

the doomsayers were right

it would all crash and burn.



Stretched out in my chair

with my gun in my lap

I decided to take a pre-Y2K nap.

I fell fast asleep

and then, without warning

I opened my eyes

and it was new years morning!



The lights were still on

the TV worked too

on all the news channels

there was nothing so new.



The only news

that sounded so bad

was the realization

Id been Y2K-had.

What I thought was survival

was now but a fad.