Nicaragua Sets Goal to Wipe Out Literacy

Autos Killing 110 a Day–Lets Resolve to Do Better

20-Year Friendship Ends at Altar

War Dims Hope For Peace

If Strike Isnt Settled Quickly, It May Last A While

There is no problem so large that it cannot be solved by the application of a correctly chosen thermonuclear device.

Mummy, mummy, why do fairy tales always start with Once upon a time?

They dont always, little one … Your dad begins his with:

… I got caught up in the office. You wont beleive what happened …!

Q: Whats red and goes up and down?

A: A tomato in an elevator.

Q: What did one tube of glue say to the other tube of glue?

A: We have to stick together.

Q: What do you say when you meet a two-headed monster?

A: Hello, hello.

Q: What do you call a sleeping bull?

A: A bulldoser.

Q: When is a baseball player like a thief?

A: When he steals a base.

Q: What did the can say to the can opener?

A: You make me flip my lid.

Q: What is a volcano?

A: A mountain with the hiccups.

Q: What do you find at the end of everything?

A: The letter g.

Q: What did the elephant do when he hurt his toe?

A: He called a toe truck.

Q: Why do two skunks argue?

A: Because they like to kick up a stink.

Q: What did the adding machine say to the cashier?

A: You can count on me.

Q: What is the best way to keep dogs out of the street?

A: Put them in a barking lot.

Q: Why did the cat sleep with a fan on?

A: He wanted to be a cool cat.

Q: What did the painter say to the wall?

A: One more crack and Ill plaster you.

Q: Why is baseball like a cake?

A: They both need batters.

Q: What did one dandelion say to the other dandelion?

A: Take me to your weeder.

Q: What kind of shoes do you make with banana skins?

A: Slippers!

Q: What did the rug say to the floor?

A: Ive got you covered!

Q: How do you make antifreeze?

A: You steal her blanket.

Q: Why does a cow wear a bell?

A: Because her horns dont work.

Q. What did the blonde say when she opened a box of Cheerios?

A. Oh, look! Doughnut seeds!

21 Slogans To Help Promote Safe Sex

1. Cover your stump before you hump

2. Before you attack her, wrap your whacker

3. Dont be silly, protect your willy

4. When in doubt, shroud your spout

5. Dont be a loner, cover your boner

6. You cant go wrong when you shield your dong

7. If youre not going to sack it, go home & whack it

8. If you think shes spunky cover your money

9. If you slip between her things, be sure to condomize

10. It will be sweeter if you wrap your peter

11. She wont get sick if you wrap your dick

12. If youre going into heat, package your meat

13. When youre undressing your venus dress up your penis

14. When you take off her pants & blouse, slip up your trouser mouse

15. Especially in December, gift wrap your member

16. Never, Never deck her, with an unwrapped pecker

17. Dont be a fool, vulcanize your tool

18. The right selection will protect your erection

19. Wrap it in oil before checking her oil

20. A crank with armor will never harm her

21. NO GLOVE NO LOVE!

A man goes into a drug store and asks the pharmacist if he can give him something for the hiccups.

The pharmacist promptly reaches out and slaps the mans face.

What the heck did you do that for!?! the man screams.

Well, you dont have the hiccups anymore do you?

The man says, No I dont, you IDIOT…

But my wife out in the car still does!

Dear Brad: I was reading the Womens Centre newsletter here at U of T
and I came across the following ad. Now, I dont think its funny to
belong to such an organization, but the specialization it indicates
rivals Monty Pythons crazy organizations (e.g. the Humber and District
Catholic River-Wideners Club, the Royal Society for Pushing Sailors into
Shops):

April 22-24 If you are a Jewish Lesbian with one or more parents who
survived the holocaust, or a partner, join the Jewish Lesbian Daughters
of Holocaust Survivors for a weekend in New Hampshire. Workshops
discussion and support around the issues we share.

There once was a service man who toured the Middle East and married a beautiful little China doll.

He brought her back to the States and they were very happy.

He always enjoyed looking at her rear end and telling her what a beautiful butt she had. Every day it was, Darling I love you and what a beautiful butt you have. Every night it was, Darling I love you and what a beautiful butt you have.

Well his birthday was getting close and she wanted to surprise him with a tattoo on her rear end that said, Beautiful Butt.

So she finds a reputable tattoo artist and explains what she wants. Well the artist asks her to turn around and after a brief pause says, There is no way I can get Beautiful Butt on your tiny little beautiful butt. But I can put a nice B on each cheek which will stand for Beautiful Butt.

A bit disappointed, she agrees and leaves with her Bs.

Well the big day arrives and after a candle light dinner, gifts, and a sip of brandy, she appears in the bedroom in her birthday suit, turns around and bends over.

Quickly sitting up he exclaims, Darling I love you, but who the hell is Bob?

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at that time.

I have good news and bad news, the owner replied. The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death.

When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings.

Thats wonderful, the artist exclaimed.

Whats the bad news?

The guy is your doctor…