A couple went to church every week, but every week without fail the husband would fall asleep during the sermon. The wife, being embarrassed by her husbands loud snoring, decided to bring a needle to the next service and poke him when he nodded off. The next week when they were in church the husband, as always, fell asleep.
"Who created the Earth in 6 days and rested on the 7th?" The wife stuck her husband with the needle and he jumped up and exclaimed, "Oh my God!" The preacher said, "Thats correct." And the husband sat down mumbling to himself. He soon fell asleep again.
The preacher got to the question "Who died on the cross to save us from eternal damnation?" The wife stuck her husband again and he jumped up and exclaimed, "Jesus Christ!" And the preacher said, "Right again." With this, the husband fell suspicious of his wife and decided to catch her in the act. The husband pretended to fall asleep while keeping an eye on his wife.
"What did Mary say to Joseph after Jesus was born?" the preacher asked. The wife started to poke her husband again, but before she could the husband jumped up and exclaimed, "If you stick that damn thing in me again, Im going to break it in half!"

John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldnt help noticing how beautiful Johns roommate Julie was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate, and this only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his moms thoughts,John volunteered, I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates.

About a week later, Julie came to John and said, Ever since your mother came to dinner, I cant find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You dont suppose she took it, do you? John said, Well, I doubt it, but Ill write her a letter just to be sure. So he sat down and wrote, Dear Mother, Im not saying you did take a gravy ladle from my house, and Im not saying you did not take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read, Dear Son, Im not saying that you do sleep with Julie, and Im not saying that you do not sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom.

Safety Tip:

Calculus and automobiles dont mix — never drink and derive

Q: How does a blonde like her eggs in the morning?

A: Fertilized.

Computer Science: Write a fifth-generation computer language. Using this language, write a computer program to finish the rest of this exam for you.

History: Describe the history of the papacy from its origins to the present day, concentrating on its social, political, economic, religious, and philosophical impact on Europe, America, Asia, and Africa. Be brief can concise, yet specific.

Electrical Engineering: You will be placed in a nuclear reactor and given a partial copy of the electrical layout. The electrical system has been tampered with. You have seventeen minutes to find the problem and correct it before the reactor melts down.

Pre-Med: You will be provided with a rusty razor blade, a piece of gauze, and a full bottle of Scotch. Remove your appendix. Dont suture until your work as been inspected. You have 15 minutes.

Public Speaking: Twenty-five hundred riot-crazed aboriginals are storming the classroom. Calm them. You may use any ancient language except Latin, Hebrew, or Greek.

Biology: Create life. Estimate the differences in subsequent human culture if this life form had developed 500,000 years earlier, with special attention to the probably effect, if any, on the English parliamentary system circa 1750. Prove your thesis.

Civil Engineering: This is a practical test of your design and building skills. With the boxes of toothpicks and glue present, build a platform that will support your weight when you and your platform are suspended over a vat of nitric acid.

Music: Write a full piano concerto. Orchestrate and perform it with a clarinet and drum. You will find a piano under your seat.

Psychology: Based on your knowledge of their early works, evaluate the emotional stability, degree of adjustment, and repressed frustrations of each of the following: Alexander of Aphrodisias, Ramses II, and Gregory of Nicea. Support your evaluation with quotations from each mans work, making appropriate references. It is not necessary to translate.

Chemistry: You must identify a poison sample which you will find at your lab table. All necessary equipment has been provided. There are two beakers at your desk, one of which holds the antidote. If the wrong substance is used, it causes instant death. You may begin as soon as the professor injects you with a sample of the poison. (We feel this will give you an incentive to find the correct answer.)

Sociology: Estimate the sociological problems which might be associated with the end of the world. Construct an experiment to test your theory.

Mechanical Engineering: The disassembled parts of a howitzer have been placed in a box on your desk. You will also find an instruction manual, printed in Machine Language. In ten minutes a hungry Bengal tiger will be admitted to the room. Take whatever action you feel appropriate. Be prepared to justify your actions.

Economics: Describe in four hundred words or less what you would have done to prevent the Great Depression.

Mathematics: Derive the Euler-Cauchy equations using only a straightedge and compass. Discuss in detail the role these equations had on mathematical analysis in Europe during the 1800s.

Political Science: There is a red telephone on the desk beside you. Start World War III. Report at length on its socio-political effects, if any.

Religion: Perform a miracle. Creativity will be judged.

Art: Given one eight-count box of crayons and three sheets of notebook paper, recreate the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel. Skin tones should be true to life.

Physics: Explain the nature of matter. Include in your answer an in-depth evaluation of the impact of the development of mathematics on science.

Metaphysics: Describe in detail the probably nature of life after death. Test your hypothesis.

Philosophy: Sketch the development of human thought and estimate its significance. Compare with the development of any other kind of thought.

General Knowledge: Describe in detail. Be specific.

Extra Credit: Define the universe, and give three examples.

A drunk guy in Alaska decides to go ice fishing. So he packs up his stuff and goes out onto the ice.
He starts sawing a hole in the ice, and a loud booming voice says, "YOU WILL FIND NO FISH UNDER THAT ICE!"
The drunk looks up, ignores it, and continues on. The voice repeats, "YOU WILL FIND NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."
The drunk looks up and says, "God? Is this God trying to warn me?"
The voice says "NO, IM THE MANAGER OF THIS ICE RINK."

Possible titles for Monica Lewinskys new book

1. I Suck At My Job

2. What Really Goes Down In The White House

3. How I Blew It In Washington

4. You Have to Work Hard to Find the Softer Side of the President

5. Clear and Present Boner

6. Testing the Limits of the Gag Rule

7. Going Back for Gore

8. Podium Girl

9. Secret Services to the President

10. Harass is Not Two Words: The Story of Bill Clinton

11. Deep Inside The Oval Office

12. The Congressional Study on White House Intern Positions

13. Shes Chief of MY Staff!

14. Al Gore Is In Command For The Next 30 Minutes

15. How To Beat Off the Government

16. Going Down and Moving Up

17. Members of the Presidential Cabinet

18. Me and My Big Mouth

19. How To Get Ahead in Business

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Sherbert!
Sherbert who?
Sherbert forest is where Robin Hood lived!

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Zebulon!
Zebulon who?
Zebulon to me!

Richard Nixon virus: Also known as the Tricky Dick Virus, you can wipe it out but it always makes a comeback.